


The Phoenix

by Seruna



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: F/M, Follows Plotline, OC, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-03-01 17:01:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 48,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13299258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seruna/pseuds/Seruna
Summary: Xia discovers she is a firebender, and her affinity and natural ability make her question herself and her purpose. Through coincidence and mishaps she slowly finds her way - and finds out what her true calling really is.





	1. Prologue: The Phoenix and the Avatar

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so, this is probably a shocker to some of you guys since I have written GW2 fanfiction only so far. This is a story that I have written ages ago, and I just thought "Why not? Why not upload it?"   
> I know how many Avatar the Last Airbender fanficitons are out there, but I won't lie to you: That series is a part of me and I love it, and every once in a while I come back to watch it once again. It has inspired me on numerous levels, both in stories and in my own life.   
> This story will follow the plotline, will be first-person view, and I know that adding a character to an already existing series is not exactly the epitome of creativity, but I could not help myself. If you are not into that kind of thing, don't fret. I understand. ;-)  
> Let me know what you think and be honest - I appreciate it. Even tell me if you did not like it! I need to know why :3  
> Just a warning: This is a long work, similar to the length of "Shirking Sparks" and "Stones in a Glasshouse".   
> Now, enough babbling. Enjoy!

The Avatar was wandering through the spirit world in search for knowledge, for he had encountered a problem that was beyond his wisdom. He hoped the wisdom of the spirits could help him find a new perspective and an answer to his problem.

As he wandered an angry spirit crossed his path and hissed at the Avatar.

“Another one of you humans, defiling our grounds! Begone!”

The Avatar held up his hands in defence and smiled gently at the spirit. He felt the anger and sorrow inside the spirit, knowing something had occurred that had made the spirit furious like this.

“I am not here to harm or defile anyone or anything, spirit. What has made you so angry?”

“It is none of your concern, human, and it would ease my mind to know your kind gone from our world. This is your last warning.”

“I am the Avatar, I am the bridge between the world of humans and spirits. Let me aide you if I can.”

“The Avatar.”, the spirit spat. “The Avatar has not done anything for us!”

The spirit attacked, but the Avatar was determined to never harm a spirit and did not defend himself. He hoped inwardly that the spirit would see that there was no reason to fight and that peace was possible, but the spirit was too enraged by a deep, dark fear that had nestled itself in its heart to listen. The spirit captured the Avatar and took him prisoner, jailing him behind woven bars of thorned ranks.

The Avatar in his current form could not bend the elements and not free himself from his prison, so he tried to reason with the spirit, but the spirit prevailed in it's anger.

“You ignored my warning, Avatar or not. You should have left when you had the chance. You will rot and I will not rest until all humans have left this realm!”

With that, the spirit trailed off and the Avatar sighed deeply. What was he to do? The prison was too thick to escape, the ranks of thorns trapping him in a prison of wires. There, the Avatar remained and sought help my communing with the cosmic energy, but no other spirit dared approach him in fear of the wrath of the angry spirit.

Then, one day, the Avatar heard the fluttering of wings and a small bird appeared through the thorns, it's amber eyes set on the Avatar in sadness. The tip of it's wings were small flames and it's tail was aflame, it's feathers the colour of fire and sun.

“Avatar, I come to seek your forgiveness.”, the bird whispered sadly. “I am the Phoenix and I am Loyalty and Trust. Once, such a connection was all the spirit that has caged you here desired, but now he has grown weary and angry and I have failed to safe my friend. He is lost now and because of this, you are trapped here.”

“Spirit, you have done nothing wrong.”, The Avatar soothed gently. “The angry spirit is in need of guidance and if you are his friend, then I have no doubt that you will fulfil your role as is your destiny.”

The Phoenix shook it's small head and it hung down, it's eyes set on the floor.

“I have tried everything, but over the years I have grown weak. I can not save my friend.”

“I wish to help your friend. If you would free me, we will bring peace of mind to your friend once more.”

The Phoenix's eyes stared at the Avatar with a shimmer of hope, but the flicker died away almost instantly.

“But how could you possibly escape from this prison? I am nothing but a flicker of what I used to be.”, the Phoenix said sadly.

“We draw powers from the darkest of places when we have no other choice, for there is light even in darkness. There is always hope, my friend. Will you help me?”

The Phoenix nodded. “I will give all that I am to you, Avatar, if only you safe my friend from himself.”

The Avatar stretched out his hand and the Phoenix landed on it gently, it's body so small it fit into the hand with ease. The Avatar closed his eyes and called upon the Cosmic Energy, let it flow over to the small spirit that was resting in his hand.

The Phoenix set aflame, it's body growing taller and taller and it's wings springing to the sides. The wings were the size of the Avatar, the Phoenix body squeezing into the small prison and with a flash of fire, the thorns and ranks around them were burnt away.

The Phoenix clasped it's wings close to it's body and stared down at the Avatar with glowing amber eyes, it's chest puffed out proudly. The tips of the wings were flames that flickered in the wind and the tail long and thin, at the tip a small ball of fire.

The Avatar touched the Phoenix's beak and the Phoenix bowed it's head, offering it's back to the Avatar. The Avatar climbed onto it's back and the Phoenix spread it's wings and took flight.

They saw the destruction that was like a guiding line to the angry spirit and the Phoenix shrieked, calling out to his friend. The angry spirit glared up against the sky, the Phoenix too bright for the plain eye to see and shielded it's eyes.

With the distraction in place, the Avatar bent the spirit energy from the surroundings and the golden strings formed around the angry spirit, climbed higher and higher into the air until they encased the spirit gently with it's light.

The spirit stared in awe at the light and it's body began to glow, the golden light travelling up it's legs and spine and finally reaching the head, the whole body engulfed in glowing, bright light.

The Avatar then dropped his arms and the Phoenix landed, the spirit engulfed in golden light staring at them peacefully, yet with an eternal sadness that made the Avatars chest feel tight as he dismounted.

“Spirit, why are you fighting? We have saved you. Your friend here awaits your return.”

“I can not return, Avatar.”, the spirit said sadly. “I have given myself to anger and fury, the darkness is like a splinter inside my heart. I can not steer the path ahead and know that one day, I will fall to it's influence once more.”

The Phoenix bowed his head and their foreheads touched.

“I will miss you, friend.”, the Phoenix whispered and the spirit smiled.

“And I you, my friend. Thank you for bringing me final peace.”

And with that, the golden figure scattered into a thousand shards of light that were adrift in the wind.

“My friend is gone.”, the Phoenix said sadly, it's eyes trailing after a few shimmers that were glowing in the distance.

“Friends never leave. They are always with you, here.”, The Avatar placed a gentle hand on the Phoenix chest, the feathers giving in softly. The Phoenix eyed the Avatar for a few long seconds until certainty settled in them.

“I will stay with you, Avatar. The world of spirits holds nothing more for me. I wish to protect you, who has protected and saved my friend. If your calling is to better this world, then let me be of aide to you once more.”

“I would be glad to have you by my side.”, The Avatar smiled and together, they entered the physical world. The spirit of the Phoenix was born into a human babe and was thereafter the Avatars companion in all the lives that the Avatar lived.

The Phoenix was reborn from it's ashes and together they trailed the world so seek and establish peace, until one day, the Phoenix suddenly disappeared and was not reborn, or so the legends believed.

It is said that the Phoenix was satisfied with it's duty, that it had finally joined it's friend in the eternal peace that was death. Stories turned into myths, and myths into legends and then, the Phoenix was all but forgotten.

Until now.

 


	2. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Xia meets Iroh for the first time and makes a discovery.

The world is in chaos. The nations are fighting...well what is left of them anyway. The Avatar is nothing but a tale now – nothing but a legend we are told to keep our hopes up. Maybe he never existed in the first place.

But how could we know? He supposedly vanished, after all. Over a hundred years ago, when the Fire Nation took the Air temples we feared they had extinguished the Avatar, but no such news ever came. They are still looking – apprehensively and cautious, but after one hundred years some have grown weary. At least that is what my mother tells me. And now, nobody believes the Avatar exists any-more. That the Fire-Nation did indeed kill the Avatar and have broken the cycle.

“Don't go out without your cloak.”, she says and I can only stare at her arm that she has extended to me with a black, heavy cloak dangling from it, my mind brought back to reality.

“Mom, it's warm outside.”, I protest but she does not pull back and looks at me sternly. She always does it and I hate it. It is like she is trying to hide me. Maybe she's ashamed of me. She says it is protection against the sun, that the sun will burn my skin. But I can see on my arms that the colour of my skin is slightly darker than hers. I have gotten used to it already.

I take the cloak and put it over my shoulders, the heavy dark fabric weighing me down. I step into my shoes and walk toward the door, glancing back.

She only looks and waves at me. She has not nudged me nor ruffled my hair in years, although I do miss it sometimes. I get the feeling she is afraid of me and I guess it is the fact that my skin is constantly hot and burning up. At first mom thought I had a fever, but I felt and still feel great.

That was when the distance between her and me grew and I have kept to myself, have explored the outside world as best as I am capable and allowed, but my parents have strict boundaries set for me. I am not allowed to go to the neighbouring villages and farms, even though they are a good few hours walk away.

In winter, the snow cuts us off completely and yet, we have always pulled through thanks to my dad. He is very vigilant and strict, but he's never failed to bring us through.

In winter everyone would dress in warm, furred clothes, lined with sheep's cloth and other material that contains the warmth, but I have never felt the freezing of winter seep into my bones, never have I ever shivered and I think it freaks all the people I know out, but then again the people I know are few and we live too far away from civilisation anyway for me to care.

“Be home soon, alright?”, she says and I can see her left hand twitching.

I force a smile and nod and am out the door before another word falls from her lips. She looks like she never wants to let me go, but the times she has tried to contain me inside the house have led to so much turmoil inside the house and in our family because I always found a way out that she decided to let me go – but not far.

I wonder how I'll ever be able to cope with the world. When I step outside it is like stepping out of a box, the vastness of sky and wideness of land opening up before my eyes and I turn around to stare at the house.

The house is old, a little barn at the side. We do not even own any great fields in the area and we certainly do not grow crops, so I wonder as to what we are doing here and why my parents chose such a place. It is lonely, deserted, devoid of any sign of life. Only bare scraps of land with grass dwindling in the wind and the sun burning down, the only shelter a few trees that are such a great distraction from all the void.

I set out into the nothingness. I am not really searching for anything, not really trying to find anything either, but my feet drag me out here and my body aches to move, but no matter how much I do, it never feels satisfied, never sated. Sometimes at night I am unable to sleep because my body longs to move and be active – it is a great burden of mine. Maybe not a burden, I think. If I were to simply sit inside the house all day, read the same books or sew the same dresses I would go crazy.

My father and mother have tutors visiting us from time to time that stay and teach me things about the world that surrounds us. Writing, Reading, Counting. Some of the history that has occurred. I find the world outside fascinating, so vast and wild that my feet and heart almost ache at the need to go _there_ and see for myself.

But the tutors stopped coming last season. The war with the fire-nation is coming to a close, the Earth-kingdom is slowly crumbling apart, the colonization of the fire-nation tearing the land apart piece by piece and all those able to teach have other worries than those of mine or my parents.

I guess we are lucky to have not felt the influence of the fire-nation here. Their grasp does not yet extend this far, but they are close and even though Mother denies it, she is anxious.

She has always told me the fire-nation is not something we have to fear and yet, she is afraid. There is no use for her to deny it, her eyes betray every control.

I breathe in deeply and feel as the heat circulates in my body. I feel it deep inside me, like a hot coal burning inside my chest that is set aflame with each inhale and I place a hand atop my chest. There is nothing more satisfying than the warmth my body naturally generates, nothing better than the feeling of pulsing heat reach into every fibre and seep into my fingers, licking at my skin from beneath.

I throw the hood back. I am far away from home now, my mother can not see me. Nobody can out here, anyway, and there is no reason for me to keep this hood on when it is already hot and the sun is burning down on me.

The shade of a tree relaxes my facial muscles and I sigh in relief, throw the cloak onto the ground and slump down on it. The familiar ache is back, the ache to move and be active, my feet are almost twitching with desire, but I want to enjoy the sun just a little while longer. It seems to be the sole source of heat out here in the world, the only thing that seems to make my skin burn with the comfortable heat that I produce myself.

My eyes drift closed and my mind wanders. I wonder what my future will bring, whatever it is I will be doing here... till now it seems I will inherit the house, our home, but what am I to do with it? Where am I supposed to go?

The world seems such a beautiful and vast place, spaces and fields of wide green, the huge deserts not far from here where sand blows over sand and even stories of great oceans that divide the land. I want to see it all, want to make my mark on the world somehow...but where would I begin? It is such a vast place after all.

I jump onto my feet. I go where my feet will take me, I decide and stretch a little before I walk, the pace turning into a jog before my feet crash into the ground as I start running, the familiar beat of my thumping feet on the ground urging me on as I smile brightly.

The familiar pair of stones in front of me come closer and closer and I rush undeterred toward them, my hand stretching high above as I jump to grasp the rough surface, pull myself over with the momentum and jump down the other side into sudden darkness that is the shade of the stones.

I feel the ground resonating beneath my feet and stand still for a moment before I realize that someone is beside me and I whip my head around in surprise, my feet stepping back and the cool stone surface pressing into my back.

It is a man and he sits near a long out fire, his eyes sharp and gentle at the same time. He has white hair bound at the back of his head and his robes show he is travelling through the desert a lot, the sand clear on his earth-kingdom robes.

He looks just as surprised as me.

We stare at one another until I look around cautiously, but I see no other people and I finally allow my shoulders to relax slightly. I have never met someone here before.

“H-Hello.”, I stutter and the man smiles.

“Hello, why don't you come sit here with me and join me for a cup of tea?”

_What and odd offer,_ I think and my legs move before I can halt them, but they only move slowly and cautiously. I sit across him with some distance in between so that I can watch him carefully and react if something strange happens. I try to see his belt, but his belly is covering most of it and I can not detect any weapon. He does not look like a threat either. A plump, worn old man on a journey through the desert.

“Who are you?”, I ask as he gives me a cup of steaming water. The cup is warm to the touch and I almost melt at the familiar sensation. It feels like my skin has finally found something equal other than the sun and I sniff at the liquid and a rich smell of flowers and spices fill my nose. I smile brightly and take a sip, the water tasting slightly sweet and wonderfully hot and before I can stop myself I gulp the rest of the liquid down in one swoop.

As I bring the cup down with a smile I can see his mouth open for an answer but he only stares agape at the empty cup. The heat of the liquid meets in my stomach and seems to curl together with that inner fire that resides somewhere inside my chest, a sort of oven that coals my body, curling up and purring in my chest with a hum.

Without a word of complaint he pours me another cup and seems relieved and amused.

“My name is Iroh.”, he says. “What is your name?”

“My name's...Xia.”, I say hesitantly. “What are you doing out here all alone?”

“I am in search for someone or rather...following someone.”, he says and looks far into the distance.

“Why?”, I ask immediately and he gives a heavy sigh. He looks...hurt. Did I hurt him?

“I am afraid that person will get hurt.”, he says morosely and I only nod, my cup empty again. I feel bad for prying. He smiles as I stare into the empty cup with curious eyes.

“What is it?”, I ask and nod toward the cup, meaning the tea. I have tasted tea before, but it's usually always cold and bitter, nothing like the sweet, hot fulfilling kind Iroh has given me. Iroh raises an eyebrow.

“It's tea.”, he says and looks confused. “Have you never had it before?”

“I have had tea before...but I have only known cold tea. And bitter ones. Mom doesn't like warm things, or hot things.” I pause briefly and think about the many times she jerked her hand away whenever my skin flared up and feel sad. “She really doesn't like warm things.”

“Would you like another?”

“Yes.” I say more enthusiastically and pause, realizing that I sound demanding and that it's not polite at all. “Uhm, yes, please.”

He pours more into my cup and leans back against the rock. “So, you live around here?”

My senses are alerted. I should not reveal such things to a stranger and it hits me that I should never be having this conversation with one either, but I feel more at ease than I ever have, especially with this hot stuff. But then again...my mother warns me all the time not to talk to strangers. I hate hiding things from her, but I will have to make an exception.

“Yeah, I do.”, I say reluctantly. I do not want to lie to him. I may not know his intentions, but he has been kind to me so far. I gulp the cup down again and I see him staring intently at me. I pull the cup from my lips and look at him.

“Something...wrong?”

“Does it not burn your throat?”, Iroh asks and I stare into the cup.

“No. Should it?”

“It...It's very hot, after all.”, Iroh says and looks at his own steaming cup. “I was wondering if maybe you are a fire-bender.”

I can not help but burst into laughter. “Me? A fire-bender?”, I wheeze and hold my stomach. “Oh I have never heard _that_ before.” I had heard ' _freak'_ and other words that hurt.

Iroh waits until I have cooled down again and my laughter dies in my throat when I see that he actually looks thoughtful and serious. My chest tightens.

“I am serious.”, he says and stands up slowly. “Will you do something for me?”

I get up as well and wonder what the hell this is about and I only nod dumbly. I won't do _anything_ he asks of course, but is does not hurt so see what he wants first.

“Do as I do.” He places his feet shoulder width apart and so do I, his hand interlacing atop one another in front of his chest as his knees bent and he inhales. I imitate the movement and inhale sharply, the heat suddenly circulation more strongly in my body and I feel slightly sick.

Iroh then guides his left hand to his waist, his elbow slightly bent, his palm facing down. His right arm is pulled back behind him, his elbow flexed and his hand in a fist as his torso turns to the left.

I mirror his movement and stare at him intently, then his right arm shoots forward, his fist hitting someone imaginary in front of him on chest height. I do the same and feel the heat shooting up my arm into my fist and a gush of flame shoots out as though it is overflowing heat and it sends me staggering a few steps back.

I grasp my hand protectively as though I am afraid it might fall off, but my hand is fine. No scorch marks. No burns. I stare at my hand in disbelief.

I _am_ a fire-bender.

I stare at Iroh. “What did you do?”, I ask as though it is somehow his fault, but can I really blame him? No, I cant.

“I showed you a fire-bending form. Well, technically, it was merely a stance.”

“I am a fire-bender.”, I say. I am not sure how to explain what I am feeling. I feel...stoic. A little surprised. Shocked? Yes. Shocked is a good word.

Iroh walks toward me but I am still too caught up to notice until he is right in front of me with a cup of tea extended towards me. My hand shakily grasps the cup.

“You never knew then?”

I shake my head. “My mom said-” But I stop mid-sentence. My mother. Had she known? Was that why she was afraid of heat? So I would never discover what I am?

“They knew.”, I spit out and anger flares up inside my chest. “They knew and never told me. Why did they hide this form me?” I look at Iroh expectantly, as though he _has to have_ the answer, but he only looks at me sadly.

“I don't know. All I can say is that parents will do anything to protect their children.”

I grit my teeth and another feeling sneaks into my chest. Hurt.

“The sun is setting.”, Iroh says almost absent-mindedly, but I know it is a reminder for me to go home.

“I can't go back like this. Not with...what I am.”, I say. “They _hate_ and _fear_ everything that is fire-nation or fire-bending.”

“Your parents love you regardless of what you are.”, Iroh says. “A parents love is pure and unclouded. They may have feared you finding out, but they will not fear you.”

“You don't know that. You don't know my parents.”

“Go home. There is nothing there for you to fear.”, Iroh insists. I glare into the cup as though it has personally insulted me.

“I have no choice.”, I say and feel suddenly tired. I do not want this confrontation and yet I know that, with how I am, I will not be able to hold this information back, that my parents and I will fight and I worry that it might cause a gap that no bridge can cross.

Iroh rests a hand on my shoulder and its warm and heavy.

“If you go, take one last lesson with you: Never use fire-bending in anger. Just like words spoken in anger, fire as well can not be taken back.”

I nod slowly. The cup in my hand trembles and I gulp the liquid down, the hot liquid soothing the qualms inside my chest slightly.

“Thank you.”, I mumble and Iroh only nods, then I climb up the stones, jump down again and walk over the void plains, my chest aching.

It only occurs to me a few moments later when the stones are already far behind me that I never said goodbye.

 


	3. Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Xia runs from home.

When I come home I walk inside with no answer as to how I will deal with this and my mother sticks her head around the corner. She frowns when she sees me and I know words will slip over her lips any second now.

“Where is your cloak?”, she asks and I shrug my shoulders. As if that was important right now.

“Think I lost it.”, I reply stoic and she seems angry. I really can't remember where I left it.

“I told you that that cloak is very important. Where did you leave it? If it was not night out, I would have you go and fetch it right now.”

“Why is that cloak so important?”, I say exasperated. I can't hold it in, it just gushes out and she raises an eyebrow, clearly her own temper showing and not used to mine.

“Because I say so! What has gotten into you?”

“Not what, mom, who! Guess what, the first person, the first _normal_ Person I talk to does not _lie_ to me. Why did you never tell me I was a fire-bender?!”, I yell at her. 

The silence that follows is deafening and she does not look stunned as I would have anticipated, but she looks frightened, scared. Is she scared I am going to hurt her, now that I know the truth?

My life shatters before me. Before she can answer I dash into my room and slam the door shut with so much force the sound rings through the whole house. I turn the key in the lock and I hear her footsteps, her fists thumping against the door.

“Open this door _right now!_ ”, she yells and I have my back leaned against it at her fists thumping. No. I am not going to open up. I'll leave, leave this wretched lie of a life behind. I am angry and hurt. How could she think I would _hurt_ her?! How could she lie to me like this, all these years? Does she trust me so little, after all the years of obedience and imprisonment? I won't be imprisoned any longer. 

I grab my bag and in my whirling head pack a few things I think might come in handy. The thumping has stopped and I know she is going to look for the extra key, but I keep the key inside the lock and push my night-stand in front of the door, blocking the keyhole and key. Now she can't push out the key to insert her own one.

I search through my clothes to look for my most favourite pieces, which are only a few and take a thick cloak with a hood, one my father had given me, stuffing them hastily inside. Time is of the essence and I want to escape any other confrontation with her if I can.

I hear her exasperated cry when she realizes her key does not budge the door at all and the hammering begins again, but it all comes onto my deaf ears.

“Go away!”, I yell. “You have lied to me enough. I am not having it any-more.”

“You can't leave!”, she says and she does not sound frightened, but rather she pleads and her voice is a lot more quiet. She is not screaming any-more.

“Please, let's talk about this. I will tell you everything. Let's...talk.”

I halt my actions. “Then talk.”, I say and draw closer to the door, my ears sharp.

“I- through the door?”, she asks and I nod, but realize she can't see.

“I am not coming out.”, I say determined.

“Alright. Alright.”, she sighs resigned. “You- you are a fire-bender. Always have been. But we are in the Earth kingdom. We are fighting a war against the fire nation. If they knew you were a fire-bender...they would have taken you. We had to hide you.”

“But...you said I had nothing to fear from fire-benders.”, I croak out and realize just how much I am trembling, my nerves going havoc.

“The fire nation would never hurt one of their own. But the Earth-kingdom would frown upon you. Please, honey, believe me that we only did it so we could live peacefully.”

“And what am I supposed to do now?”, I ask and feel the tears rising, a bile inside my throat. “Pretend I am not what I am? All my life you lied to me, you rejected what I am. Don't deny it!”, I yell at her through the door when I hear her gasp for breath to form an interjection.

“I recall _all_ the times your hand burned from touching my skin, I remember how reluctant you were whenever you had to touch me.”

“I did touch you. I was not afraid of you, please, you have to believe me.”, she pleads. “I could never reject you. I just...when I touched you, you were always burning and I knew someday you would know something was not right...”

She had feared this day. She had feared the day I found out about my true nature and somehow that made me all the more angry, the searing heat inside me rising to new high levels. She should have anticipated that lies would leave nothing but a hallow gap behind!

“You could have said the truth!”, I roar and feel the tears run down my face, but as soon as they have flown a few inches they evaporate into a thin mist and I inhale the salty taste, nearly chocking. “I won't continue like this. I am a fire-bender and have nothing to be ashamed of.” Despite the words, my voice shakes slightly.

“Please, if you go out there...they won't understand.”

“They won't have to.”, I say and a strange cold like an ice shard stabs through my chest. The thought of leaving and going into the outside world, a world that has been forbidden to me for so many years seems to tear me apart, now that I get to have a taste.

I can hear my mother cry, hear her pleas as I walk to my window and open it wide, stretching my leg out into the cold night air. My feet hit the ground and I run, run onto the desert plane with grass fields spreading at the sides, darkness enveloping the whole environment with a dark shadow that stretches it's wicked fingers toward me, aiming to catch me.

I turn around after having run a good few hundred meters and stare back at my former home. Lightened, so far away from any civilization, all because of me. Like this, maybe they can return to the Earth-Kingdom with ease now, without having to worry about me and I...I can figure out where I belong.

I slowly walk away and the night is dark but I am not cold. I am never cold. I know why now.

I check back at the stones, but find that Iroh has already left and I inhale the last remnants of his peaceful presence before my feet drag on, itching to move and to get away. Part of me wishes I had gone with him then, but I do not think he would have let me. If only I had been here faster, maybe I could have intercepted him.

I somehow get the feeling he would have understood, that he would have helped me – but there is no use to it now. There is no way for me to find out where he went.

It is too dark to identify any kind of direction. I stare at the sky and the stars, try to follow a certain arrangement in them that I recognize as the scion, but apart from that there is nothing there that I could use to help me navigate.

Darkness is absolute here and the cold has calmed me down. It is a soothing, calming breeze that wheezes into my face, whipping back my hair and I begin to wonder, now that my anger and fury have disappeared:

Was I too rash? Have I overreacted?

No. Something inside me screams and rebels at the thought. There is nothing back there except solitude and imprisonment, maybe even resentment and fear from my parents. Even though my parents may mean the best for me I want to see the world, want to experience it at least once and this choice is not theirs to make.

I remember all the things that made me leave: My mothers hands, recoiling when she touched me, her hand having gained a red, rosy colour. Her fearful eyes as she looked at me today. My father, who yelled at me for playing with a match when I was younger. The many years I have had to spend inside the house without ever being allowed to leave and always being scolded when I did so, and even more years of obedience that have been rewarded with nothing.

Besides the few journeys I took when I was younger even though I was not allowed, I had always done what they had wanted and wished of me. I have never questioned their absolute order, never asked myself of their purpose until last year, when Mother allowed me to walk outside, but only with a cloak. Who the hell would recognize me? And why?

Well, someone sure recognized me as a Fire-bender. Was that what the cloak was for?

I can't be sure. Maybe there is even more that my parents never told me and now I will have to either figure it out on my own or never find out about it at all. I close my eyes. I have to admit I was never truly satisfied with the bits and pieces that my parents allowed me to see of the world. I always wanted more and for their sake, I hung that up so they could feel secure.

But now I want to be free. Breathe in the air of the ocean, see the vastness of the swamps and admire the beauty of the volcanic islands that are the fire-nation.

Slowly the colour returns to the sky and I wonder if I really have been walking the whole night and only now that I pay attention to my feet do I notice that I barely even drag them through the sand. At the horizon I can see a few houses rising up and I wonder if I will find shelter there, if even just for a little while, so I will myself to walk further. I can't stop here, after all.

I take a sip of water and run my sleeve over my mouth, my lips dry as well as my throat, but I do not dare drink it all. Who knows when I will come across enough water so supply myself with? I can't take the risk. I have to ration it.

The sun is glaring up at the horizon and I watch in awe as the sun rises slowly, creeps up at the thin line that is the horizon and brings beautiful colours to the sky. Golden sunlight floods the sand and finally banishes the shadows that have been clinging to the ground.

The village is clearer now and I notice that the houses are run down, their appearance shabby. There is nobody living here anymore, so finding shelter will be easy, but there will most likely be no water. After all, why would you abandon a small village with a water supply in the middle of a desert? Well, granted, this is not the middle, not even close, but the heat feels like it.

The more the sun rises, the hotter it gets and I find myself yearning for some shade. The night was not so bad after all, even with the darkness and my tired mind playing tricks on my eyes.

Finally I set foot into the village, slip into the very first house and slump down on the ground, slip my backpack off and curl onto the ground. I am too exhausted and tired to really care anymore and simply close my eyes, drifting to sleep.

 


	4. The Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Xia meets some strange figures and Iroh again.

When I wake up I hear the distant sound of something fluttering outside. I glance up, the shadows of the house still enveloping me and I rub my sleep-heavy eyes. Slowly I sit up and hear the tapping of feet in the distance, a few steps and then an almost inaudible thud, then there is silence. For a few brief moments I wonder what in the world I am imagining and close my eyes again, nuzzling myself into the cloak and fall asleep almost immediately.

Suddenly the voice of a boy wakes me. I am so confused at first that I think my dream influenced mind imagined it when suddenly a conversation follows.

“Alright, you've caught up with me. Now, who are you and what do you want?” I am suddenly wide awake, realizing I am _not_ imagining things at all and that I am indeed listening to some stranger having a conversation. I sit upright and gaze outside through a crack in the door to see the street in front of me flooded with sunlight, but the sun seems to be setting again. I must have slept for quite some time.

“You mean you haven't guessed?”, a woman's voice says and she sounds demeaning. “You don't see the family resemblance? Here's a hint.”, and suddenly her voice slightly changes as though she is trying to imitate someone with a deeper voice.

“I must find the Avatar to restore my honour.”, is what she imitates before she speaks normally again, “It's OK, you can laugh, it's funny.”

She sounds sour, slightly disappointed that her joke did not get through and I certainly do not get it and neither does the boy, judging from his unimpressed and tired face.

He wears a strange yellowish robe, a blue arrow tattooed on his head and a staff in his hand. He is bald, but he can barely be any older than me. Besides all that what worries me most is that he looks tired, exhausted even.

“So what now?”, he responds, his face completely level, his voice dripping from his exhaustion.

“Now?”, she asks and I can basically hear her smirk. “Now, it's over. You're tired and you have no place to go. You can run, but I'll catch you.”

The boy stands up and besides his tired demeanour, he looks defiant and determined. “I am not running.”

Running? I can't see the woman, but it looks like she pursued the poor boy this far into the desolation that is literally no where and I can feel the anticipation rise inside me. Are they going to fight? And what was that about the Avatar? Is the Avatar real? Is he alive after all? More than just a tale?

“Do you _really_ want to fight me?”, she teases, but her taunt is interrupted by the sound of a strange animal and I can see it running into my picture as it slowly comes to a halt, dust and sand whirling up. _What is that about?_ , I wonder when suddenly another voice joins in. “Yes.”, the voice of another male says.

A man jumps from one of those strange bird things and now kneels there, somewhere in between the boy and woman. I can see a scar covering half of his face as he throws his hat behind him and looks to where I estimate the woman to be.

“I really do.”, the newcomer says determined.

I hear the boy breathe “Zuko.”, while the woman's voice, calm and sneering comes from my left.

“I was wondering when you'd show up, Zuzu.”

I hear the boy snicker and have no idea what the hell is going on. “Zuzu?”, the boy says, hiding his snicker behind his hand. Despite all the tension, he is still laughing?

The newcomer ignores the woman's taunts and I see him taking a weird stance, his fingers stretched to both the boy and the woman, whom I can't see yet. Are they going to fight? Here? I might get caught in the crossfire if I do not get out of here.

“Back off, Azula!”, the newcomer says. “He's mine!”

He's?

Wait, the boy?

They are  _both_ after  _that_ boy? But why? 

“I'm not going anywhere.”, the woman says and I hear clothes rustling. Man, this is weird. Weird, and confusing. So both of them are trying to take the boy as a prisoner? But why? The boy readies his staff and looks in their direction and I feel my legs itching to jump in, to do something and join him, but I stay rooted because of fear and because this is not my fight at all. I do not need to get involved.

My eyes are fixed on the boy and I study him, but at this distance besides his tired expression, the weird arrow, his staff and his clothes there is nothing special nor strange I can make out.

And then there is the Avatar stuff still lingering in my head.

The anticipation rises as they simply wait and stare for one of them to make the first move when I hear a flame blazing and coming to life. The newcomer is knocked back by a blue flame and I shiver when I see with what intensity the flame is being thrown. He tries to block it by conjuring fire himself but is knocked back while the boy turns and jumps into the air, his staff transforming into some sort of glider.

I swear I must have burned my head while walking around the desert. Heatstroke. This can not be happening.

A blue flame wall comes crashing down from above and brings the boy down to the ground and I hear him scream. My legs are twitching, but I won't move. This is not my fight. I am only a bystander, there is nothing I can do – I would not even know which side to chose! Although somehow, my empathy lies with the boy. Two against one is simply unfair.

That is when I see the woman for the first time. Her lips are turned upward in a sneer and smirk, her movements fluid and languid, her dark hair tied back into a knot that sits atop her head, her robes cleanly arranged in the colour of black and red. The fire she bends is bright blue, my veins seeming to vibrate whenever I see the pulsing flame appear. It is beautifully breathtaking to watch her bend and yet there is a dangerous tingle that runs down my spine whenever I see her cruel smirk.

The three of them fight, fire blasts are thrown around, the boy dodges into the air and seems to glide, always landing softly while he avoids any strikes from both the newcomer and the woman. The boy runs up a pair of stairs at the side of a house and all three of them disappear for an instant before I hear the newcomer scream and something crash in the house opposite.

The newcomer then crashes through the wall onto the street. He is discarded there as the woman attacks the boy again, who dodges her with such ease it is almost impossible to believe, until the boy jumps in between to buildings, dodging the flames thrown at him by jumping from side to side. The woman strikes and her flames burn straight through the house and I watch in horror as the boy looses his balance and grabs hold of the falling debris before he crashes on the ground below, trapped by a wooden bar and restricted in his movement.

The woman follows him closely and I finally make my move. If the boy is trapped like this the woman might kill him and I can not allow myself to watch that happen. I jump out from my hiding place and run at the woman from behind. I barely cast the man still lying on the street a glance, but he does not even notice me at all, then I turn my head toward the woman. I can see the flicker of something blue to my right as I jump onto the woman and hold onto her back, my legs twirling around her waist and my arms stretching in front of her torso.

She is caught off-guard and flails slightly. I can see the boy trapped beneath debris over her shoulder, the room illuminated by bright yellow flames that engulf the corners of the room, allowing no other escape except the door. The boy looks at me surprised and tries to lift the plank that is preventing his escape. I cling onto the woman for dear life and as her arm reaches back her nails scratch my cheek and I grab even harder.

She aims her elbow at my mid and I am thrown off, land on my back and see some sort of black before my eyes, but it disappears just as quickly and I push myself up, something hard pressing into my back as I let out a huffing noise.

The woman is hovering over me with a furious expression and I am rooted into place, terrified when she bends a blue flame on her fingertips. She pulls her right arm back and I lift my arm protectively when suddenly a whip of water splashes around her wrist, distracting and pulling her away. Another slap of water sounds through the little building and the plank that had stuck the boy beneath the debris is cut.

“Katara!”, he says delighted and I catch the glimpse of a girl with brown hair and blue attire as she flees the scene outside, dodging a blue fireball effectively.

The woman follows the girl and I groan at the pain and I can see the boy come up to me with a strange look on his face. He looks undecided, guarded and tired, but as soon as he is in front of me and dusted off his robes he smiles.

“Thanks.”, he says and holds out a hand which I grab and he pulls me to my feet with surprising strength. When his hand touches mine I feel a strange warmth spreading through my fingers into my arm and I stare at him a little more intense than I first intended.

Somehow, it feels like I have seen him before, that I have maybe known him somehow. Has he visited the village when I was smaller? He may be with some religious people, judging from his attire. Someone who passed through on a pilgrimage?

“No problem.”, I say, trying to place the feeling of familiarity, but there is not much more I can say at this time because the fight outside continues and he dashes outside to help his friend.

I stand inside the room for a few seconds longer, undecided. The tides have changed. Now, there is the girl, the woman named Azula, the weird man with his bird named Zuko and the boy. I do not regret saving the boys life.

The flames are turning hot now and engulfing the walls so I step outside, cautiously staring around the corner. I am part of the fight now, but I do not know what to do, much less how to fight. What will I do if someone attacks me?

But it looks like I need not worry.

The woman is cornered by the boy and girl and another guy who joined the fight. He has brown hair tied at at the back of his head, his robe similar to the girls. Katara was her name, right? Their blue robes seem strange in this environment and I get the feeling that they are from the water-tribe, which makes sense when I think about how Katara bends water, but very little sense as to what they are doing _here_ of all places.

But what stuns me the most is a man I see a little across the street, approaching the newcomer that still lies on the ground. It is Iroh.

My feet drag me towards him before I can do anything else. I hear the newcomer utter “Uncle”, as his consciousness begins to return and I simply stare at them, a little distance away. Uncle. Iroh is this guy's uncle and this is the man Iroh has been following. It all comes into place now.

“Get up!”, Iroh says sternly and reaches out a hand, which the newcomer takes. The woman is knocked down by a shifting of the earth and as though my head has not had enough excitement for one day, another girl appears who appears to be earth bending.

“I thought you guys could use a little help.”, she says with a smirk and I see that her eyes are bleached white. _She is blind_ , I realize. 

“Thanks.”, Katara says. The woman that now kneels between them looks like she is surrounded and yet she is not yielding. She blasts a little bit of fire and turns around a corner, dashing into a little alley and jumps above a few boxes.

We all follow her, although I am not sure why, but the fire inside me is calling me, trying to tell me something and I have never felt more alive than in this moment.

The woman crashes against Iroh and I briefly wonder how he managed to move so fast, but we all corner the woman instead of asking unnecessary questions. She lifts her chin at first, staring down at us defiantly.

“Well, look at this.”, she says with a sneer. “Enemies and traitors, all working together. I'm done. I know when I'm beaten.”, she lifts her hand to show us her surrender and yet there is something flickering in her eyes that alerts me. Beside me stands Iroh and beside him the newcomer.

The group if full of diversity and yet it is only a strange and fragile alliance that holds it together. They work together to face a single, common enemy.

“You got me. A princess surrenders with honour.”

A princess? Her? I study her clothes and realize that she must be the Princess of the Fire Nation. What have I done? What is going on here? What would a Princess be doing here, wide out in the open, at the end of literally nowhere?

Her eyes flicker among the group and I see mischief dancing in them. When suddenly she turns, bows down and her hand points at Iroh and a blue flame shoots forward, leashing toward him.

I move before I can think. The fire closes in and I step to the side in front of Iroh, my hand aiming to catch the blue flame and fire gushes from my fingertips, licks along my arm and the heat just seems to explode as Azulas blue flame is engulfed in a wall of yellow and orange.

I can not control the flames as they engulf all of us and for a second, the heat is strangely familiar and I feel alive, my blood boiling to the point where I want to be engulfed in flame forever.

I feel warm, hot, _powerful_. This is what being a fire-bender is? I feel the heat trickling down along my body, feel it in my very fingertips and I think for a second _what if I let it break free?_

A yell behind me brings be back to reality and I inhale sharply, the flame and the Princess suddenly gone, the only remnant the remaining heat that still lingers in the air as it dissipates into the sky.

I turn around and see that Iroh is not completely spared from the woman's attack and I feel guilt drag down my heart like a stone. There is a scorch mark on Iroh's chest and the newcomer kneels beside him, his face full of worry and anger as he watches his uncle closely, his hand on his shoulders, shaking him.

Tears fill my eyes as my conversation with Iroh plays inside my head. What have I done? I do not know what to feel. It is all a blur as I stare at Iroh, who seems to be unmoving. Did _I_ do this? I didn't...did I? My throat is dry and a knot forms itself inside my chest as I stare wide-eyes at them.

As the others approach the newcomer yells, “Get away from us!”

Katara steps forward. “Zuko, I can help.”

With a swing of his arm he blast a feeble wave of fire at them that does nothing except intimidate. I feel the feeble heat stroke my cheek.

“Leave!”, he yells and they comply, hurrying away from the scene, but my feet are rooted to the ground. I can't help but stare as Zuko looks from angry to fearful again, whispering to his uncle in a hushed voice, but Iroh has lost his consciousness.

My feet drag forward and I kneel down beside Iroh, my hand reaching for his shoulders, my sight blurring as the tears stream into my eyes, my hand shaking terribly. Iroh has his eyes closed, there is no sign of pain on his face. Does that mean he can't feel it? That he's dead?

“Don't touch him!”, Zuko snarls and I retract my hand as though I have been burned, brought back to reality that he is here too.

“I-I am so sorry.”, I whimper. But my hand stays, trembling in mid-air and I can't will myself to turn or to leave, I can never do that. I am _guilty_. _I_ did this. If only I had been stronger, had been better prepared...

Iroh gasps for air and his eyelids flicker. My hear jolts with hope and joy.

“Iroh!”, I sob and lean over, but Zuko pushes at my shoulders and I fall onto my back. I push myself onto my elbows and stare at him wide-eyed.

“Go away!”, he yells at me and I stare up at him in fright when suddenly my anger takes control and I get up, standing across from Zuko, tears filling my eyes as my voice shakes. The tears blur my vision so much I can barely even see.

“I am not going anywhere!”, I yell back at him, my voice shacking. “Iroh is my friend and I _will_ help him!”

He looks disdainfully at me but we only glare at each other as Iroh's chest slowly moves, his face distorted in pain. I am trembling all over and stare down at him, my hands shaking and I clench them to stop them, but I can't.

Zuko glares at me for a few long seconds but I am not moving. His eyes slowly turn towards Iroh and his face changes immediately. He looks as thought he feels guilty as well. Rueful.

Without a word Zuko slowly grasps around Iroh's right shoulder and I grasp Iroh's left and we slowly lift him up together. I huff at the weight and it is difficult to get him toward Zuko's riding bird, but we manage, if slowly.

We place Iroh on top of the bird, lifting him up with great effort and we both steady him from the sides as Zuko takes the reins and leads the bird forward, out of the village. I look around apprehensively. After all, Azula might jump on us any second and I can not fight her, Zuko lost against her as well.

But all remains quiet. The sun is finally setting over the horizon, the last streams of sunlight illuminating the desert planes. I have no idea which direction Zuko is intending to go to.

We do not speak the rest of the way. After I look back toward the village I realize that I left my backpack back there, with my supplies and my stuff. At first, I want to turn back, but chances are that Zuko will not wait for me and walk off, rendering me of any chance of redeeming what I have done to Iroh.

Although I can not be sure it was I who hurt Iroh, something deep inside me tells me that it is indeed _my_ fault and that even with Azulas attack, nothing could justify my recklessness. I stare up at Iroh who is unconscious and his head lulled forward.

If I … if he dies I will never forgive myself. I blink the tears away and ignore my burning eyes. We have to get Iroh to safety.

I stare at Zuko and wonder if he will try to send me away again, if he will attack me if I refuse. After all I am not much of a threat. I am wary of his presence and wary of my surroundings as well. I still halfway expect Azula to jump from behind a rock and attack us, but the night is quiet.

I see a hill forming and we walk up, my legs protesting against the strain and my feet hurting from my previous journey. When a worn old hut comes into view I realize that this must have been Zuko's destination. There is no door and no windows, the wood dry from the constant glare of the sun.

With a lot of effort, we carry Iroh inside the hut, making him a make-shift bed as best as we can. Zuko removes Iroh's robe and inspects the wound, doing all of it quietly, without ever even regarding my presence or asking for assistance.

I sit opposite to him and wait as he cleanses the outer corners of the wound. He does it with great patience and it is somewhat calming my mind to watch him.

“Will he be OK?”, I ask into the dead of the night and Zuko looks up, his bright honey coloured eyes studying me, piercing me.

“I don't know.”, he says after regarding my question and continues.

I bite my lip. “This is all my fault.”, I whimper. “I am so...so sorry.”

He is silent. He does not look up again and his hand only stops for a fraction of a second, barely even visible to me. He places the cloth away after a few minutes and begins to bandage the wound. I help him by holding Iroh in an upright position, my arms protesting against the weight, but I merely grit my teeth and hold on. Slowly we lie Iroh back down and I watch Iroh's face. It is slightly distorted in pain, but not as much as before.

Please, Universe, let him be safe.

Slowly his face relaxes and becomes peaceful as the time passes by, his mouth opens and I notice he switches from completely unconscious to sleep. I smile slightly, hope finding it's way into my heart like a soft, cool breeze in the summer heat.

Zuko shifts from my peripheral vision and I watch him sit by the window. His elbow rests on the windowsill, his chin upon his hand. He stares outside with a stoic face, as though he is deep in thought.

I lean against the wall close to Iroh and watch his breast move with every breath, watch the bandages stretch with each movement.

Slowly my eyes drift closed. They burn too much and I want to rest.

Just for a second.

 


	5. First Time For Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iroh accepts Xia as his student and she has to fight for the first time. And fails. Kinda.

When I wake up I slowly lift my head and open my eyes. At first I notice how bright it is, then I begin to hear voices that slowly reach me through my haze of sleep. When I blink and the clouded veil finally vanishes I can see Iroh is sitting up with a cup in his hand, talking to Zuko in a hushed voice. Every ounce of sleepiness is driven away immediately.

“Iroh!”, I say and push myself away from the wall, my neck hurting terribly from my head having lulled forward in my sleep. “How are you?”

“Ahh. Good morning. I am...fine, considering. Thank you.”

“She caused more harm than it helped. There is no need to _thank_ her.”, Zuko seethes, Iroh ignores him, but I look at the ground, hurt. He is right. I know he is, he does not have to shove it in my face.

“Here, have some tea. Zuko made it.”, Iroh encourages me and Zuko makes a remark under his breath, but I can not hear it. Maybe I should be glad for it.

Iroh reaches a cup toward me and offers me to come closer and I do, slowly, trying to get as much distance between Zuko and me as possible and sit down beside Iroh, Zuko opposite to me. “And don't mind my nephew.”

I take the cup and stare at it's contents, not sure what to say. They just wait and stare and I gulp it down. It tastes awful, but I appreciate the heat more than the taste anyway, but I can't help distorting my face.

I can see that Zuko looks at me with narrowed eyes and I think that, besides that he does not like me as it is, I think he hates me now. I can't look at him.

“I am surprised to see you again.”, Iroh starts and I somehow can not stand to look into his questioning eyes. “What happened?”

I open my mouth and the words are stuck in my throat.  _I ran away_ , a voice inside my head confesses, but I can not bring it over myself to say. I do not want him to judge me for that. He will scold me for turning my back on my parents and he will not think what I did was the right thing – he is an adult. Adult's always defend one another. Come to think of it, Zuko looks at least a few years older than me as well. 

“It's fine, it is not mine to pry.”, he says and I accept the offer of silence and appreciate it more than he knows. Maybe he does.

“I want to know.”, Zuko says with a strange furious eagerness that almost makes me hunch away a few inches, but I sit where I am. His demeanour is strangely intimidating and yet, I think to myself that he could not have an intention of hurting me. Right?

“We know nothing about her. She could be Azula's spy. I don't trust her.”

“Prince Zuko.”, Iroh warns and my eyes widen. Suddenly, with his title it dawns to me that if that woman was Princess Azula and this in Prince Zuko, then...

“Prince?”, I utter. “Then that woman really is -”

“My sister.”, Zuko interrupts and looks towards his uncle. “I was thinking...it will only be a matter of time until I run into Azula again.”, he begins and Iroh looks curious. “I am going to need more advanced fire-bending if I want to stand a chance against her. I know what you are going to say...She's my sister and I should be trying to get along with her.”

“No.”, Iroh says as he places his cup down which is surprisingly empty considering that I had not seen him drink. “She's crazy and she needs to go down.”

Iroh forces himself onto his feet and Zuko sits idly on the floor while I get up immediately to help him, but he only waves his hand to tell me it is unnecessary.

Once he stands he says, “It is time to resume your training.”, he says to Zuko and then, much to my surprise, he looks at me. “And time to begin yours.”

“Mine?”, I stare at him stunned.

“Yes. If you wish to learn fire-bending, that is.”

“I- Yes, of course!”, I say and get onto my feet in the blink of an eye. Excitement surges through me. Learn fire-bending? Why, this is the best day of my life! Never would I have imagined to be taught by Iroh himself!

But...maybe it is too early for Iroh to move? Maybe he should rest longer. Whatever he has in mind for me can wait. I don't want him to exert himself.

“Maybe...you should rest. For now.”, I say, my excitement immediately dampened.

“I am happy that you worry for me, but I am fine. Besides, it will be you who does the difficult parts, not me.”

I realize that I never imagined for him to accept me, that I never even had an idea of what to do after I left home. He offers training to me, a place to be and asks nothing in return, even after I have hurt him like this. I feel tears in my eyes rising again and lower my head to hide them, but I can't stop the sobs to escape from my throat and my shoulders shake.

Iroh walks toward me and places a warm, gentle hand on my shoulder. It feels nice, to have the comfort that the touch brings ease the pain in my chest.

“Why are you crying?”, he asks and the tears roll over my cheeks. I give a sniff and look at Iroh. I must look so pathetic, but he does not look judgemental at all. His eyes are open, gentle, wise. Comforting.

“I-I didn't think I'd see you again. That you would.... ” _Train me. Be alright. Accept me. I thought you might die._

Iroh nods and rubs his other hand soothingly over my back. “I can only imagine.”, he says slowly.

I look up at him again and my eyes fall onto his wound and I feel a stab in my chest.

“We all learn from our past.”, he says when he follows my gaze.

“I wish I could undo it.”, I whisper.

“That is not what the past is for.”, Iroh explains and looks at me seriously. I can see Zuko stir from the corner of my eyes. “The past is meant to remind us so we never forget the present and strive for a better future.”

I turn the words over in my head a while before I wipe away my tears. If it's true what Iroh says – and I have so far no reason not to believe him – then the present is offering me an opportunity to learn and be better.

“Then let's strive.”, I say with a weak smile and Iroh beams.

“First things first. Have you ever heard of any of the fire-bending techniques?”, he asks and I shake my head no.

“Well, let me start from the very beginning then. Zuko, this might be good for your ears as well. A little repetition never hurt anybody.”

Reluctantly, Zuko sits down again for he had tried to get up and away. He crosses his arms in front of his chest with a small pout on his face while he looks away.

“Fire is a strong and wild element, as I have told you before. Controlling it is a matter of training and discipline. Only when you master a mind of steel and a will of iron will you master fire.”

I nod eagerly, waiting for him to continue.

“The key to fire is breathing. When you inhale, you can let the heat inside you linger and spread and release it upon your exhale. You have done that before already, as you know, but know this: It will enhance your every technique if you allow your breathing to guide your bending.”

“Then, a fire-bender must be flexible. Our fighting style is rather aggressive and we need to be assess our surroundings during a fight in order to use them to our advantage. If we are careless, the fire we create will bring nothing but mindless destruction. Your goal at this time will be to learn the forms and to become more flexible. It will take a long time to complete.”

“How long?”, I ask and Iroh sighs.

“I can not say. Even Zuko has not mastered Fire-bending yet and he has trained since he was but a small boy.”

I stare at Zuko and allow myself to see him more clearly. He is indeed well trained and only now do I notice that he has strong arms, broad shoulders and chest as well as the flexibility the bending requires. He catches me staring and narrows his eyes. I look away as fast as I can and turn my attention to Iroh again.

“I will try my best.”, I say and feel Zuko's eyes pierce me. Iroh smiles and we go outside, while Iroh clutches the bandage that crosses over his chest as he moves. I rub my eyes with my sleeves, trying to remove any tear strains that are left behind.

Outside Iroh grabs a little stick and begins to draw figures in the sand, explaining how the four nations are essential exactly as they are to ensure balance in the world, how they balance one another and I feel reminded of the stories that my parents have told me about the Avatar.

“So the Avatar is real?”, I ask and I can see that their faces fall a little as though I just asked the most stupid of all questions, but Iroh is the first to recover.

“Indeed. The little boy with the tattoo on his head is the Avatar.”

Wait.

What?

That... _boy_ is the avatar?

Now that I think about it, I realize that the boy was floating and jumping through the air as though he was born in it. He must be an air-bender. That is why he had the glider, that is why he had the tattoo and his yellow robe and his ability to dodge...

But he looked so young. Wait. Did the air-benders not all get killed?

My head is whirling and I stare at the ground, trying to sort it all out. The Avatar is a young boy that is from the air-nation who supposedly disappeared one hundred years ago. Now, both Zuko and Azula both try to capture the Avatar and from what I witnessed, it looked as though Azula and Zuko are not getting along.

“But...why are people after him?”, I ask Iroh. It just won't get into my head. “If balance is so important and the world can only experience peace by helping the Avatar, why are they not helping him?”

Silence ensues and I find myself staring at Zuko's deadly eyes when our eyes meet. I shrink back intimidated and wonder if I said something wrong. But then again, he always glares at me. Maybe his eyes are incapable of any other expression.

For a few seconds there is only silence and even Iroh looks at the ground when Zuko finally speaks.

“I will capture the avatar to restore my honour.”, Zuko says, gets up and strides away, leaving us with the words heavy in the air. That sentence sounds strangely familiar and I recognize it from Azula, who had in retro perspective mocked Zuko.

They are brother and sister, both after the Avatar and yet they are working against one another. How does that work? Rivalry? Is Zuko trying to prove himself better than Azula in front of their parents or something? Is that what he means by honour?

“Do not mind my nephew.”, Iroh says and I stare after Zuko.

“He is the one you told me about, isn't he? The one who you said lost his way?”

“I fear that he might.”

Iroh looks thoughtfully after Zuko. He looks at the symbols in the sand he has drawn. I stare at them as well and wonder why Zuko reacted so strongly toward the topic and can't help but ask,

“Why does Zuko want to catch the Avatar?”

Iroh sighs heavily. “Zuko thinks that his father will restore him and his honour. He wants that he no longer carries the burden of the 'banished Prince'.”

“Banished? What did Zuko do?”

Iroh stares at the ground, hard. “Nothing wrong.”, he says after a few seconds of silence and I do not understand, but I also know he is well aware of that. I sit in silence with him until he gets up and dusts off his robe. I can see he is careful with his shoulder as he gets up.

“Let me show you the first stances.”, he says. I follow him, trying not to mind the gloomy presence of a certain angry prince in the further back.

  
  


After a few hours, Iroh turns his attention to Zuko. While Iroh shows Zuko some strange lightning move which I find really interesting – more interesting that sitting in the horse stance for over ten minutes anyway - but I repeat the different stances Iroh showed me.

Surprisingly, they all came naturally to me as I am flexible and strong enough from my own adventures at home where I climbed upon tree and stone, had run around the countryside and through the desert.

Zuko suddenly is having a heavy argument with Iroh and I halt in the middle of my training to see what is going on only to see Zuko disappear into the distance, looking determined and angry as usual.

“What happened?”, I ask Iroh as I walk toward him and notice that Iroh's eyes are following Zuko disappear.

“I hope nothing will.”, he says and sounds resigned and kind of fatigued.

“He will be fine.”, I try to soothe the man and he looks at me with a smile.

Without further a due, he makes me show him my forms. He corrects me when necessary and looks all in all pleased. My fire inside me is raging. I realized that this strange urge that I have always felt inside, the hot bed of coals that is inside my chest is something like a manifestation for my fire-bending.

It sits in my chest, warm and comforting, flickering with my emotions and burning up to what I can't describe other than a capacity. It urges me on, urging me to move around and forward and to strain my muscles further like motivational persona, my very own totem of purpose and will.

It feels stronger than ever, ready to be unleashed and it takes all my willpower to hold it back each strike, the flame scraping the limits of the capacity and I wonder if either the capacity will grow or my power to suppress the flame.

Now that I know how to let it go it seems natural to let it flow and yet letting the fire out could lead to me burning down the environment or hurt Iroh. It is yet beyond my control and Iroh has said it takes and iron will to control fire – something I clearly still lack.

Sweat forms on my forehead and I stop for a brief second, resting my hands on my knees, gulping in shallow breaths. My muscles are trembling slightly from the exertion, but it is a rather pleasant feeling. Slightly burning.

“It's harder to hold back than I thought.”, I say and look at Iroh whose eyes avert to a hill and I can see dark clouds hanging from the sky in the distance. He looks worried and then glances back at me.

“Yes, but it is the most important trait. Restraint is worth more than pure power. You can unleash a fire, but you can not reverse it's effects.”

“Then why is Zuko always angry? He always looks like he is ready to breathe fire.”, I ask without much thought.

Iroh scrutinies me for a few agonizing seconds and I wonder if I should not have asked, but he smiles weakly.

“Zuko had a difficult past and has a difficult present.”

“Don't we all?”, I mumble and Iroh chuckles.

I am not sure I want to know Zuko better, but something about him intrigues me. The fact that he is a Prince of the Fire Nation, the scar that covers half his face: the so called 'mark of the banished prince', his strange temper that is fully of fury and anger – as though he is always raging inside. I wonder if there is a calm inside that storm that is Zuko.

And then I wonder...will he ever forgive me for what I did to Iroh? Or will he remain angry and distant? I mean, not that I particularly want to be friends with him or anything, but it would be nice if he stopped his glaring. At least once in a while.

An hour later, the storm that had been nothing in the distance but dark clouds approaches full force. Rain starts pouring down as soon as the clouds have overhung the sky and Iroh and I seek shelter, while Iroh's eyes are trained at the distance. Out there is Zuko, far out there, somewhere. Battling something I do not have a hope to understand.

Not that I need to. I have my own battles to fight. My own battles to win. Leaving my parents behind is still hard on me and I hear my mother cry inside my ears at night and wonder : Was I too harsh on her?

I would never have met the Avatar, would never have met Iroh again if I had stayed. I would have hidden away the rest of my life from the world and would have had no choice but to stay down.

My eyes close slowly and I allow myself to drift to sleep. There is no point in thinking it over, I will never get an answer like this. I realize that talking to Iroh might help, but I am also afraid of what he might say. Zuko returns in the dead of the night, completely drenched and wakes the both of us up as he slumps down in a corner.

“Where have you been?”, Iroh asks.

“Why does the universe hate me uncle?”, Zuko asks defeatedly and I pretend to be asleep still. “There was no lightning. Nothing.”

“Do not be discouraged, Zuko. I hope for your sake that you will never have to experience the real thing.”

Zuko only growls something and then everything is quiet and I drift back to sleep. Zuko was out in the storm, aiming to get hit by lightning so he could bend it? What a stupid idea.

  
  


We stay for a few days, mostly because of my training, but also because of Iroh's injury. Iroh takes his time with my training and I feel myself growing stronger...growing more in control of the fire that is inside my chest.

Zuko usually only glares from his position as we train with his arms folded in front of his chest. He practices with Iroh then and again, but Iroh's focus is clear and I think Zuko feels...neglected?

As Zuko stares at us from the distance and I squat in the horse stance I watch Iroh. He rubs his shoulder absent-mindedly and I know it is because of the injury. The thought that I am responsible for that injury has been torturing me for a while now and it has been in my dreams as well, reminding me just how scary and how uncontrollable fire-bending can be.

In a way that has helped me to utilize more willpower to prevent the fire from bursting forth, a dark reminder of what it did the last time.

“Iroh.”, I say and extend my legs from the horse stance. I can't really look at him, but I need to know. It has been gnawing at me and I feel a stab of regret whenever I see his injury. “Did...I do that?”

He doesn't ask what I mean. He knows that I mean his wound. “I am not sure.”, he answers truthfully and a sting inside my chest appears. “But your intention is what counts. To me, at least. A direct hit from Azula would have most likely killed me. Then again, if I had not been distracted by you and the Earth-bending girl...well. The past is in the past.”

“I'm sorry. If I had had more control...”

“The if's of the past won't stop haunting you if you do not let them go.”, Iroh says and I feel his strong hand on my shoulder. “Let go of your guilt.”

I look up at him and look into his wise, clear eyes. I feel tears rising again, but this time I fight them and stand normal, then I close my eyes.

_Let go of your guilt,_ I tell myself. 

_Iroh's injury is something I might have caused, but what is most important is that I train now to never make that mistake again. Iroh doesn't hold a grudge. He forgives me. I need to forgive myself now. Forgive myself._

It is harder than I thought and when I finally feel the weight lifting from my chest it is like a stone has been removed. I open my eyes and feel the flame inside my chest flicker higher, as though the guilt had put a stopper on the flame.

“Good. Very good.” Iroh smiles and warmth spreads through my body. I smile back at him and squat back into the horse stance, focussing my mind and close my eyes.

We never speak of the incident again.

  
  


After a week we pack our things and begin to travel. I am not sure where we are going, but Zuko and Iroh avoid the Fire-nation purposely, most likely because of Zuko's banishment. Did Iroh stand beside his nephew when it happened? Had he truly discarded his whole nation for one man that was so full of hate and anger?

Iroh must love Zuko dearly as family. Unlike Azula who did not seem to be even capable of such a thing, but I would have thought the same of Zuko if I had not seen him together with Iroh. Maybe I am wrong.

Zuko is still grumpy and barely talks to me. I think that despite the fact that Iroh and I talked, Zuko and I still have not come closer or reached steady ground at all. He does not glare at me any-more I have noticed and I wonder why. Did Iroh have a talk with Zuko? I hope not. The problem that Zuko has with me is something I hope we can talk about ourselves at some point.

But maybe that is impossible. After all, Zuko does not seem to be very forgiving. At least the glaring has stopped.

Iroh sits on Zuko's riding bird, while Zuko and I walk besides Iroh on the sides. There is not much of a conversation and I can see from Zuko's eyes that he looks more distraught than usual, and that is saying something since I have only known him for a week.

From all the training my muscles feel slightly sore and I have a hard time memorizing all the stances, but Iroh keeps reminding me that I should do what feels most natural, not overthink things. Iroh wanted Zuko and me to spar, but Zuko refused to help in my training, which made us drift even further apart.

Iroh gives me a seemingly small task as we walk: He gives me a leaf. With a tiny flame he singes it's edges and gives it to me and I watch the fire consume the leaf slowly.

“Fire consumes. But you can also hold it back. Take the leaf and hold the fire at bay.”

It is much harder than I want to admit and I am gritting my teeth as I try to squeeze the flame away. It is strangely infuriating. How can it be so hard to keep fire at bay when it is so easy to unleash it? It's just frustrating! With a pained groan the leaf seems to suddenly combust and I hold nothing but ash in my hand. I hear Iroh chuckling.

“I can't do it.”, I whine.

“Keep practising.”, Iroh says cheerfully, plucks another leaf from a nearby tree and I repeat the process. We walk a while and this time I am more successful, then Iroh is groaning in pain and we come to a halt. He jumps down and settles himself on a rock nearby, rubbing his shoulder vigorously.

“Are you alright?”, I ask, the leaf drifting to the ground as I watch Iroh.

“Fine. I need a moment.”

I grab the reins of the riding bird when it turns its head to the side, alerted. Zuko immediately tenses and brings himself into a fighting stance and I whip my head around, looking for the source of their alertness.

Iroh mutters annoyed, “What now?”

I hear rustling in the nearby bushes and frown when a group of men appear on strangely large lizards used as mounts. The men look like ruffians and I feel tense and frightened while Zuko places himself in front of me protectively. I am glad that he is there, but as the men walk out further into the open I notice that they are surrounding us. Even Zuko can not hope to have a chance.

This can't be good. I have no idea how to fight and these men look...intimidating. My heart almost leaps out of my chest and I tense.

“Colonel Mongkey, what a pleasant surprise.”, Iroh says and looks like he is greeting an old friend, while I can not say that the others look quite as friendly. Fear grips me like iron shackles and I am rooted on the spot, my eyes darting to their weapons that are holstered on their bodies.

“If you're surprised we're here, then the Dragon of the West has lost a few steps.”, one man says and they pull out their weapons. Oh no. They are not looking for a fight, are they? The fingers around the reins loosen as I try to remember a stance appropriate for a situation such as this: Desperate, surrounded, outnumbered and outmatched. Is there even such a thing?

“You know these guys?”, Zuko asks unbelieving and I can hardly believe it myself. Did Iroh make them mad at some point?

“Sure. Colonel Mongkey and the Rough Rhinos are legendary. Each one is a different kind of weapon specialist. They are also a very capable singing group.”

I am not sure whether that is a joke or entirely truthful. Not that it matters because their violent intent is quite clear even without the weapons and the fight that will happen is only getting stalled. I know that if we fight...

I will most certainly loose.

“We're not here to give a concert!”, the man says. So they _do_ sing? “We're here to apprehend fugitives.”

“Would you like some tea first?”, Iroh throws back. “I'd love some. What about you, Qai Chi? I make you as...a Jasmine man.” I am not entirely sure if Iroh is taking this situations not seriously or if he is trying to lighten the mood, either way they never stop staring down at us with harsh and angered eyes. Maybe Iroh is trying to get more time to asses the situation? “Am I right?”, Iroh asks, and the man finally snaps.

“Enough stalling! Round them up!” I take a step back and feel helpless. How can I possibly fight them?!

A chain comes flying towards us and before I can react Iroh jumps up from where he has been sitting and kicks the chain away with his foot with surprising strength and agility. Zuko pushes me out of the way of an arrow while Iroh quickly charges forward into the fray.

I topple to the side and catch my balance, glancing around in panic. The men around us are glaring down at us and some of them move toward Iroh who is – I actually don't know what he is doing. I am whipping my head around, trying to avoid any imminent danger, but I can barely take in anything here at all as the chaos around us unfolds and I have lost track of Iroh among the field.

The chain Iroh kicked away now swings towards a lizard and curls around its leg. The lizard panics and begins to run, pulling the one who is holding the chain with him and I see them disappear into the bushes at the side. That's two down, I guess.

When my head whirls back I see the archer point his arrow at me and I want to blast fire at him when Zuko jumps in front of me and deflects it with his fire-bending and shoots a sharp, small bolt of flame as an instant response through the bow and the bow snaps, leaving it's owner with a dumbfounded face at his destroyed weapon of choice.

I stare at Zuko's back, amazed. Zuko looks completely in control and not panicked at all, unlike me. I am freaking out here.

The men around us are slowly but surely sent into disarray as Iroh and Zuko attack them. The lizards are panicking due to the flames that Iroh is causing and I can see Zuko cast a quick glance at me and when I look at the ground I realize that my hands, which I have held up, ready to strike, are shaking like leaves in a winter breeze.

“Stay here.”, Zuko says and I can't read his tone. Maybe he's angry as usual, but I am too distracted and too frightened, trying to get my body back under my own control, but even as my fingers clench my fists shake and I growl at myself when suddenly a movement from the corner of my eyes catches my attention.

I look up and the man named Monkey-something sits on his lizard still and stares at me, a strange grin on his face. My eyes dart to Zuko and Iroh, but they are both too busy fighting and I want to yell, but no sound escapes my throat and the fighting noises are too loud anyway.

The man looks as though he has been in combat many times, an experience I can't hope to live up to, an experience that even my recent luck can not top off. All I have is the little training Iroh has given me and the instincts that I am blessed with, which, right now, are telling me to run.

Then why are my legs not moving?!

He strikes through the air and a bolt of fire stirs towards me and I glide my hand over the flame, feeling the heat on my palm and I realize that I am too stunned that I actually deflect the fire blast into the ground. Well, OK. That went...well. I look up and can see him smirk.

He must sense or see or smell my fear and jumps down from his lizard, standing a few meters in front of me with his broad and strong shoulders and I feel intimidated, taking a step back.

My eyes dart to the side, but there is no sign of help from Iroh nor Zuko. Oh, by the universe I am done for.

As I watch the general I open my mouth, but he moves toward me and strikes at me. I duck away, but his other fist comes from below and hits me in my stomach and I am pushed back, a yelp escaping from my lips. As I fall I kick out my leg, sending a blast of fire against him and – miraculously – hit his chest and send him tumbling back a few steps before I crash onto the ground and groan in pain. I immediately will myself up on my elbows and can see him stare at his chest, then his eyes glare at me furiously.

Well, shit.

I notice that breathing has become painful and I grasp my stomach, feeling the pain thump beneath the skin and lean onto me side, extend my leg toward him and sent a blast of his way with my kick, the motion sending pain through my side and I collapse onto the ground as my muscles give in.

From the corners of my eyes I see his arm simply swings through my flame and he steps closer, pulls out a long sword and I can only stare at the weapon, petrified as my hands press into the ground, my arms shaking and my body not moving even though I am ordering it to.

But the man stands still, looks to his side and is sent side-way when a lizard is sent crashing into him. Perplexed I stare at the lizards feet that are a few inches in front of me and crane up my neck to look up. I see Zuko staring down from the beast, his eyes fixed on me, searching for an injury.

Without a word he reaches out a hand and I push myself up, my body finally reacting to my commands again and I take it thankfully. He pulls me up with ease and I slide into a seat in front of him as he takes the reins and when his arm brushes mine, it feels as though a lightning strike hit me and I shrink together, a pain shooting up from my stomach as I do so.

“Are you alright?”, Zuko asks and after a few seconds I nod, but I know it is not very convincing. Heck, it hurts. I can barely contain the pained groans and I grit my teeth.

“Yeah, fine.”, I say through gritted teeth and hold a hand over my stomach. This is gonna be a bad bruise. As I look around I see Iroh jumping on the riding-bird and he flees down the path.

Zuko stirs the beast with ease and I try to glance over his shoulder and I can see that the rhino-somethings are in disarray and are too busy sorting the chaos we've caused.

Well, Iroh and Zuko caused.

The Colonel Mongkey is getting up from the ground and I am happy with every piece of distance that we gain. When I finally look onto the road I feel the fear vibrating in my bones still. This is the first fight I have ever been in and I failed miserably.

I was completely defenceless, completely helpless against _one_ of them. My hands are shaking and I clench them hard enough that I can see the white of my bones.

I can hardly believe how calmly they dealt with the situation. Aren't they afraid?

When we catch up to Iroh he smiles brightly. I guess Iroh never was afraid. Just how many battles has he fought?

“It is so good to see old friends.”, he says cheerfully and I can not help but wonder if he fell on his head at some point.

“Too bad you not have any old friends that do not want to attack you.”, Zuko says with some spite and somehow I can't help but agree. Iroh is suddenly lost in thought.

“Hum, old friends that don't want to attack me?”, he wonders as we ride through the small passage ahead, leaving the weird Rhino-group behind in the dusty plane.

 


	6. Old Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Turns out there are old friends that do not want to kill Iroh.

The journey takes us out further into the desert again into a more sandy region. The characters are just as the region: Shady, dirty, shallow. After our encounter with the Rhino-group I feel all my confidence and fighting spirit dwindle away. I do not have the confidence at all to face anyone at this time and I feel like I am nothing but a nuisance to Iroh and Zuko like this.

The bruise on my stomach is evidence of my failure. It is a large imprint of a fist, the blueish colour surrounding it a clear indication that I escaped with _just_ a bruise. That man could have easily killed me, without even flinching. 

Suddenly I feel something press against my head and I look up. I can see Zuko press a hat onto my head and he pulls it down over my face, a shade for the sun and the staring, wondering eyes of strangers.

Ever since our battle it seems Zuko is a tad calmer as well and this side shows that he is protective over me. I realize that he saved me and feel bad for not having thanked him, especially because I evidently had no chance to begin with.

Zuko is turning away and I grab Zuko's arm and feel the tingling again and wonder if the anger that he constantly has simply burns through his veins at all times and I simply am a conductor. He turns around and looks back at me, slightly surprised. I can feel his muscles tense beneath my hand and wonder if he was expecting an attack.

“Thanks. For- you know.”, I stutter. He relaxes and he raises an eyebrow. “For saving me.”

There is a short pause. “It's nothing.”, he says and he really sounds calm, not angry at all. Maybe that fight was good for him. Maybe he was able to let off some steam.

Iroh waits for us and his eyes switch between us and rest on me.

“How is the bruise?”

I look on the blouse covering my stomach and lift it slightly, revealing the red and blue linings and circles that have formed. Iroh grimaces.

“I am sorry you have to go through that.”, he says.

I shake my head. “No, it was not your fault. I...was not ready. I'm pretty sure I got away easy.”

“The world is dark like that.”, Iroh mumbles. His eyes scan over the area and I let the blouse fall back into place. The place is dark, night is settling in and it looks like Iroh is looking for a certain shop.

“Ah, over there.”, he says and then he strides on with even, steady steps.

Zuko and I have tried to get him to tell us what we are doing here and who it is we are meeting, but Iroh has been elusive all evening and all that is left now is for us to walk apprehensively behind him.

Iroh walks into a shop and I glance at the bystanders and villagers. They are wearing worn out-clothes, the dust on the windowsills is thick and the air is humid, even though night is descending upon us. The so called door is nothing but a blanket hung in front of the shop and as we enter the stench of sweat, iron and alcohol rises into my nose which I try not to wrinkle in disgust.

I wonder what Iroh could possibly want from here as my eyes scan the area. These are all ruffians, like those we saw earlier today. Mean faces, glinting, greedy eyes, empty glasses. They are all waiting for an opportunity.

A shiver runs along my spine and I draw a little step closer to Zuko, my arm brushing his. I don't want to fight again. When a man looks at me and his eyes seem to pierce me I feel strangely sick and terrified and before I can help it my hand grabs Zuko's sleeve.

Zuko stares at me, but he does not pull his arm away. I am glad, although I am ashamed by my weakness. Much to my surprise, Zuko puts his hand on my back and presses me gently forward and I feel more protected.

We follow Iroh through the crowded bar, the people here leaning against the walls, the bar, the tables, the mean-looking eyes staring at us from every dark corner.

Iroh sits down at a table and we join him at the empty table, sitting down in the chairs. As soon as we have settled Zuko bends forward slightly.

“No one here is going to help us. These people just look like filthy wanderers.”, he says and has his angry face on again. I guess his patience has never been tested like this before.

“So do we.”, Iroh says with a beaming smile as he glances through the shop.

“Iroh, I really do not feel comfortable around here. Do we have to stay?”, I murmur and Iroh looks at me.

“We won't stay long.” He looks at me and must have seen or sensed my fear. “It is natural to be afraid. Fear teaches us caution. Being cautious on a battlefield is not something to be ashamed of.”

“It's not... If it was only fear, I might have run. But I was frozen, Iroh. I really...couldn't do anything.”

Iroh looks sad for a moment, then he looks at me encouragingly. “We live in an era where not having to fight is luxury. I hope it were different, but we have to accept the way things are. You will figure it out in due time. For now, listen to your instincts and let them guide you.”

I nod slowly and Iroh looks around again.

“Ah. This is interesting. I think I found our friend.”

He is pointing towards a bald, tall man, sitting alone at a table with a game in front of him I remember seeing before.

“You brought us here to gamble on Pi Shou?”, Zuko protests but Iroh continues to smile.

“I don't think this is a gamble.”, he answers mysteriously and Zuko and I exchange a glance. We are both confused and have no other choice but to follow Iroh to the table. As we move I can feel eyes following us and it takes all my will-power not to turn around.

As he approaches the table he asks politely,”May I have this game?”

“The guest has the first move.”, the stranger says and extends a hand to show Iroh that he is welcome to sit. Zuko and I sit down as well and I can't help it. My head turns around as I look around until Zuko exchanges a glance with me, telling me to stop.

I train my eyes on the pi-shou,board and ignore the sensation at the back of my head.

Without hesitation, Iroh takes one piece from the side and places it down into the middle.

“I see you favour the White Lotus gambit. Not many still cling to the ancient ways.”, the man says. I study him more closely. Arms tucked into his tunic, his robe showing he is from a wealthier stand than we are.

Well, at least than me. Zuko and Iroh are both royals of the fire-nation. I study the man more intensely. Clearly Earth-Kingdom citizen, judging from his appearance. His eyes are sharp and his words precise.

“Those who do, can always find a friend.”, the both clasp their hands together, bow politely and then look up.

“Then let us play.”, the stranger says. They place down piece after piece, each consecutive and exact as though they had trained to do so for many years. Slowly, an image begins to form and I realize that they are drawing a lotus on the gaming board.

“Welcome, brother.”, the stranger finally says as the last piece is placed. “The White Lotus opens wide to those who know her secrets.”

Zuko beside me loses his temper.

“What are you old gas-bags talking about?”, he asks venomously.

“I always tried to tell you,” Iroh smirks, “Pi Shou is more than just a game.”

Suddenly, a man behind us addresses us in a loud voice and I almost jump and around to find two men standing in front me. One of them is tall, thickly built with muscles rippling under his skin. The other looks more petite and wears a white-green robe, his beard and hair well kept. Both are clearly Earth-Kingdom citizens, while I am absolutely sure that the bulky guy is an earth-bender.

I knew it. Trouble. I stare up into the man's eyes and they are intent and set on us as though we are a prize.

“It's over!”, the broad man yells. “You fugitives are coming with me!” Oh dear. My heart drums inside my chest and I clench my fist, this time ready to at least strike a blow or attempt a kick, but before either of us can utter a word the stranger jumps into the picture with renowned vigour.

“I knew it!”, he says as he points at us. “You are criminals with a mighty bounty on your head!”

I almost gasp at the accusation and gape at him. Was he not supposed to be a friend?!

Zuko shares my opinion. “I thought you said he would help?”, he asks Iroh, but Iroh has lost nothing of his calm.

“He is.”, he says and places a calming hand on Zuko's shoulder. “Just watch.”

The stranger turns to the two Bounty hunters. “You think you are going capture them and collect all that gold?”

That seems to be the word of the hour as everyone in the whole tavern suddenly is wide awake and standing up, staring at us. “Gold?”, someone asks and I feel a shiver down my spine. _How is this helping?_ , I ask myself. Like this we will get right in the middle of bounty hunters!

As soon as the two bounty hunters are attacked though, Iroh swiftly runs away and Zuko pulls my arm. If he had not, I would have simply stood agape and stunned and I almost topple over my feet as we rush outside, the fight covering our escape.

We followed the stranger that Iroh talked to at the bar and he leads us to a strange house. When he closes the door behind us we find ourselves in a shop full of plants and flowers, the damp air striking me. The desert is not a good place for me already because it is always hot on the outside and it is almost boiling in the inside of me as well.

Not because I am angry. As of right now, I am relieved that we really did get away once again. How are these people after us? Oh, Iroh and Zuko. Right.

“It is an honour to welcome such a high ranking member of the Order of The White Lotus.”, the stranger says and bows. I realize he is talking to Iroh and can only barely make the connections between all the strange events that have occurred to us today. I feel taxed and Zuko does not look pleased either.

“Being a Grandmaster you must know so many secrets.”, the stranger says and walks passed us.

Meanwhile Zuko has lost nothing of his charm. “Now that you played Pi Shou are you going to do some flower arranging? Or someone in this club going to offer some real help?”, his temper was getting through and his patience had reached its limit it seems.

Maybe we _should_ have fought those guys at the tavern. Zuko could have let out some of his steam there. 

“You must forgive my nephew.”, Iroh says, ignoring Zuko's taunts and rants. “He is not an Initiate and has little appreciation for the cryptic arts.”

Zuko only glares while the stranger knocks on the back door and we wait until a little hole in the door is opened and a male voice asks,

“Who knocks at the garden gate?”

“One who has eaten the fruit and tasted it's mysteries.”, Iroh replies.

What is this White Lotus? How come Iroh is a grandmaster and even his nephew never noticed? There is so much more to Iroh that I want to know.

The door opens and a warm light shines down on us. They enter and Zuko and I follow, but the door is shut in front of us and I barely halt before running into the door.

“I'm afraid it's members only.”, Iroh says through the little hole that suddenly opens in the very middle of the door. “Wait out here.” I can see Zuko pout and he crosses his arms in front of his chest. I wait in front of the door for a couple of minutes but I get tired of waiting around.

I walk around the room and feel exhausted. Maybe I can find a small corner to curl up in and sleep, even just a little. As I bend down to look at a small plant that has beautiful purple leafs I hiss at the pain that shoots through my mid and I hold my stomach, rubbing it vigorously, straightening again. Standing straight helps lessen the pain.

A few seconds pass until the pain ebbs away and I rub the aching skin soothingly, then I hear Zuko's voice behind me.

“I'll train with you.”

I turn around and look at him, but he is not looking at me and for a second I think I imagined it, that with all that has happened I am too fatigued and escape into day-dreams now.

“Train?”, I ask dumb-founded and Zuko pushes his hat a tad lower so I can not see his face.

“You need to learn to defend yourself.”, he says and I open my mouth but no word will come out. “My uncle and I can not protect you forever.”

I gulp down the knot forming in my throat. “I-I guess you're right.”

Zuko takes off his hat and places it somewhere to the side onto a pot of plants, then he stands a few feet in front of me.

“During your training with my uncle I noticed that you clearly favour your right side. You need to utilize your left side as well. Strikes, kicks, balance. If the enemy knows what side you prefer, you are open to his attacks.”

“Alright.”, I say and am not sure what to do now.

“Focus. If you were to strike me right now, how would you do it?”

I strike and notice immediately what he means. My right arm is extended, my hand closed in a fist and my body shifted forward and to the right.

I sink back and stand again, staring at my hands. I mirror the movement with my left side and it feels...alien. Strange. I repeat a few times and see Zuko watching me as he leans against a pillar. I try the kicks as well and notice my balance is so much worse on my left leg.

As I kick with my right leg, trying to balance on my left, I keep losing my balance and groan in frustration, glaring at my leg as though it was somehow its fault.

“You'll get there.”, Zuko says and I look up at him. He looks...calm. His face is relaxed, a soft smile tugging at the corner of his lips and I wonder what continues to make him so angry and makes him frown. I can also see a sort of worry in his eyes and I realize he is doing this so I do not get hurt again.

“Thank you, Prince Zuko.”

The smile fades and he looks as though he has been pierced by a blade and all the comfort and the warmth I felt suddenly turns to cold. “Prince.”, he murmurs and looks away, drifting away from reality deep into his thoughts.

“I didn't-”

We are interrupted as the door creaks open and Iroh returns to us with a smile. “I have some news for you two. We are going to Ba-sing-Sei.”

 


	7. Ba-Sing-Se

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new city, a new home, and new discoveries.

Ba-Sing-Se? The great capital of the earth kingdom? How are we supposed to get there?

I still look at Zuko. I did not intend to hurt him and I want to tell him that, but he has cast a veil in between us that I can not penetrate. I sigh inwardly. How can I continue to mess everything up?

“Why would we go to the Earth-kingdom capital?”, Zuko asks. He does not sound angry for once, only confused and he mirrors my stance. Going into Ba-Sing-Se will be difficult, especially since we are all fire-benders. We will not be liked among them.

“Ba-Sing-Se is filled with refugees.”; the stranger explains. “No one will notice three more.” I see his eyes glancing at me briefly before they return to Iroh.

“We can hide in plain sight there and it's the safest place in the world from the fire-nation. Even _I_ couldn't break through to the city.”, he explains and I wonder briefly why he tried and how that came to pass, but my question never leaves my lips as someone enters the front door without knocking. 

The sun streams in through the door and I groan. We have been up all night. No wonder I am so tired.

“I have the passports for our guests, but there are two men out on the street looking for them.”, the man says as he enters. Iroh and Zuko check the door and exchange worried glances, but the stranger comes up to us with a smile.

“I have an idea.”, he says and points toward three huge vases, a beautiful flower blooming out from the top of each. I am not sure what his plan is but his smile sure does not agree with me.

And indeed, he makes us hide inside the vases, puts some dirt on top and replaces the flower as well. I sure hope we are hidden enough since it is dark and moist and I can smell the earth surrounding me, but I have enough air to breathe freely, even if the air is turning hot.

I can feel the earth in my air, crawling beneath my blouse and itching on my back. Perfect. Just perfect. I can't even close my eyes to sleep because it is narrow and uncomfortable and – wait, how did Iroh fit in that vase?

A rumbling beneath my feet tells me we are moving and I can not see where, I can barely even hear anything. It is completely dark. Opening my eyes does nothing except bring dirt into my eyes that I cannot rub away without rubbing more in.

Besides the rumbling beneath me there is no sound and I listen to my breathing, sweat forming on my forehead and my heartbeat elevating. I close my eyes and try to calm myself, tell myself that it will be over soon and feel the flame that lingers deep inside my chest lurch out as though it is trying to reach into my arms, my fingers pulsing with warmth.

The pulses are frequent and strong for a few strokes, then they slowly decline. They become slow pulses, the warmth spreading ever so slowly into every fibre of my body and I realize that the flame is intending me to concentrate on the rhythm to calm down.

Wait, the flame _intends?_ It feels... as though it has a mind of its own. Like I am not the one who is doing it. Maybe I am doing in unconsciously. Then again, the flame reacts. When I am angry it flares up, reaching a capacity that is close to breaching a breaking point and I am afraid of what will happened once that point is reached. Maybe I'll get burned from the inside and that is why Iroh wants to teach me restraint.

But restraint seems to make it even worse. It is as though something aims to break free, fists thrown against a cage. The pulse quickens again and I try a few breathing techniques that Iroh taught me. It works. My muscles, even with the currently uncomfortable position, relax more and the pressure in my chest lessens. I hope we reach Ba-Sing-Se soon.

The flame flickers again as though excited, a camp-fire flickering from side to side in a strong wind. I wonder why the flame is excited. Maybe I'll find out once we reach the city. First of all we have to get into the city anyway and I still wonder if we will come across trouble again.

We come to a halt and I expect freedom for a few agonizing seconds, then the dirt is removed from my head and I gasp for some fresh air. I climb out if the vase and shake off all the dirt that I can see and comb with my fingers through my hair, tangling my fingers in them before I give up with a frustrated sigh. When I finally look around I notice Zuko and Iroh with similar problems, flapping their clothes to rid themselves of the earth that travelled down their backs.

The room we are in is dark and the man that transported us informs us that we are somewhere called the Full-Moon-Bay. I can hear the gushing of water in the distance, but the cries of people are louder. Must be a lot of people.

“Be careful on your journey.”, the man says and leaves again. It must have taken a great deal of effort to pull three people through the desert to this point and I can see from the position of the sun that it must have been at least two hours of travel. Iroh has our new passports and I see mine has a new name on it. Lin. I like that.

The full-moo-bay is a place of transportation to Ba-Sing-Se. There are refugees seeking a new home here, wanting to get away from the war the fire-nation is causing. The suffering on their faces tell many different stories of suffering, families so thin that their clothes look completely oversized.

How can one nation do all this? All this suffering and for what? To prove power? I feel almost ashamed to possess the bending from the nation that is causing all this and I pity all these men and women and children. Some are simply sitting on the dirty floor, children are crying in their mothers arms and I can smell food somewhere distant.

Iroh leads the way through all these people and we stand and wait behind a long queue of people that leads to a counter. I glance around and notice guards as well. Would they not recognize Iroh or Zuko, especially since they are Fire-nation royalty? A person like Zuko is hard to miss with such a scar.

What would happen if Zuko and Iroh were captured? I am sure the fire-nation has no need for me, I would land in prison which is not that much of a comforting thought, but it might end lethal for Iroh and Zuko. We can not afford to be suspicious or get detected.

The queue grows shorter and finally we reach a desk where we show our passports and are sent to a ship without much ado, which is a great relief to me. Here I though she would ask us all sorts of questions, but she must be tired of doing this all day just as much as these refugees are tired of the war.

We are led through a heavily guarded area with a narrow ramp that leads up toward a ship. I have never been on a ship before. As I walk onto the sturdy wood on the deck I hear the waves crashing against the sides of the ship and look over the sides. Water. So much water.

I barely notice that Zuko and Iroh have gone ahead and catch up with them. The ship is loaded with a great diversity of people and I feel strange among all these men and women. After all, I am not really a refugee, am I?

Actually, I am somewhat of a traitor, I suppose, helping the banished prince and his uncle, but I could care a monkeys arse for that. I doubt anyone will ever know or anyone will ever ask.

We stand near the railing and glance out onto the water. It takes another half an hour before the ship is loaded full of people and sails out of the bay, which is actually a cave, out into the far and wide ocean. I feel sick thinking about all the water that is surrounding me.

Suddenly, Iroh pulls me out of my thoughts when he speaks.

“Who would have thought after all these years I'd return to the scene of my military disgrace....as a tourist!”, from somewhere beside him he pulls a hat with flowers and his smile is back on and all seriousness is forgotten. I chuckle a little while Zuko's face does not seem more angry, but rather annoyed.

“Look around.”, he says, “ We're not tourists, we're refugees.”, he takes his bowl and slurps some of its contents down and I can see his face turn into disgust as he spits out his food into the sea. “Ugh!, I'm sick of eating rotten food!”, he exclaims. “Sleeping in the dirt, I'm tired of living like this.”

I can hear a strange bitterness in his voice and I know he is thinking of his life as a prince when suddenly a voice from behind us interrupts us.

“Aren't we all?”, a boy says from the shadows and comes out to us. He has ruffled hair, some weird corn in his mouth and he introduces himself, “My name's Jet, and these are my freedom fighters: Smellerbee and Longshot.” Both referred characters nod in our direction and I am sure there is something they want. They look like they mean business, but when I tense I feel Iroh's hand on my shoulder, telling me to relax.

“Hello.”, Zuko says level and looks away, out onto the sea, clearly showing his disinterest to these strangers while Iroh and I seem to be the by standers of this conversation.

“Here's the deal,” says Jet and I admire him for his straight-forwardness. That also makes me wary. “I hear the captain's eating like a king while all us refugees feed off his scraps. Doesn't seem fair, does it?”

He makes a good point I suppose, but turning this ride into a mutiny will not help us enter Ba-Sing-Se and can only mean trouble. We should definitely stay away from trouble.

“What sort of king is he eating like?”, Iroh asks Jet.

“The fat, happy kind.”, Jet replies and Iroh looks envious for only a few seconds. “You wanna help us liberate some food?”, Jet asks and I almost hold my breath. I thought I was not really addressed, but I realize Jet means me as well when he turns to look at me and our eyes meet.

Zuko still has his back turned to him and I feel slightly uncomfortable making a decision like this. His eyes are boring into mine, completely diligent and unwavering.

A few seconds pass by and I open my mouth, but Zuko answers first, “I'm in.”

I am kind of relieved and scared at the same time. Relived because those eyes are finally off of me and scared because that means we will be stealing food from the very people we need to get to Ba-Sing-Se and it looks like from Jet's smile that he directs both at me and Zuko that I am in the soup now as well.

As the night creeps on, Jet's plan finally comes into motion. There are guards patrolling the ship and as I join Zuko he gives me a glare. “You should not be here.”, he whispers.

“Why not? I want to help.”, I say with a raised eyebrow. Jet arrives shortly after.

“You will only be in the way.”, Zuko snarls and I am too stunned to react at first, then I open my mouth to hiss something back, but Jet's hand on my shoulder holds me back and I feel my fire snarling up inside me.

“Calm down guys, don't fight. Let's go”, he says and I stick my tongue out at Zuko, then we all follow Jet as quietly as we can. I'll show that arrogant Prince just what I am made of.

We move up the deck and avoid the guards quietly, always remaining in the shadows. When we reach the kitchens doors, Zuko places a bar between the wall and lock and breaks it open with force. For a few seconds I am afraid the sound will attract unwanted attention, but as I stand guard nothing happens.

There is a strange thrill to all of this, the thrill of being caught at any second and my heart is pounding heavily in my chest. I hear Zuko and Jet round up the supplements inside and hear footsteps approaching.

“Guards coming!”, I whisper into the room and I hear them hurrying my way. We move towards the railing with Zuko and Jet carrying two sacks full of supplies and wait for Longshot to shoot his arrow. I feel kind of uncomfortable standing in his direction of fire and manage to only shrink away slightly as the arrow hits the railing, a rope attached to it.

The supplies are sent down first, then we follow. I hang onto the rope and glide down. I hear them tap gently onto the deck and aim for it myself when the rope suddenly rips from the arrow and I fall down.

I know I can't scream, so I grit my teeth and await the landing, but all that happens is that I fall into something soft and hard at the same time. I give a huff of relief and see that Zuko caught me and I give him a huge smile.

“Thanks.”, I whisper, but he only glares at me and I realize he thinks that I was nothing but a nuisance in this operation. He lets me down and my smile dies and I look onto the ground, the pressure inside my chest building up and I clench my fists, aiming to control my temper, my lips pressed into a tight line.

That damned arrow was not my fault. Why does Zuko have to be so infuriating? Can't he see I'm trying? It's not easy trying to live up to an impossible standard.

Slowly we sneak away with the supplies and Jet begins to deliver them among the people as soon as we are back, but I can barely find happiness at the sight of the refugees. I am still angry at Zuko for being back to his grumpy self again. Can't he be nice, once?

Jet and his freedom fighters are stuck to us like glue afterwards and I can't find a moment alone for myself. I give up at some point when it's night and realize just how tired I am, not having slept yesterday as well and now seeing all these people huddled into thin blankets and the kid's cries finally silent.

“So, Smellerbee, that's an unusual name for a young man.”, Iroh says, his intention clearly to start a conversation.

“Maybe it's because I'm not a man. I'm a girl.”, she says. I did not see that coming and before Iroh can utter an apology she storms off.

“Oh, now I see, it's a beautiful name for a lovely girl.”, Iroh tries to soothe as he says while she leaves, but she does not stop and I can't help but hide a chuckle. Longshot gets up and catches up to her, and although I do not see his lips move, they seem to have some sort of conversation with one another. But my eyes find Jet's again when he comes toward us.

Up until now he has been delivering food across the deck and I admire him for that, he even rejected my help and told me to rest because I looked tired. I really am, but I can't sleep. I keep thinking that these people are only a few years older than me, they have had even more difficult pasts. Much more difficult than mine, anyway.

How do the freedom fighters manage to fight for something that is so largely out of their control? They are but small pebbles in an avalanche, what can they possibly achieve? A sense for justice? Maybe they are all just looking for a singular purpose in life, something that makes them shine above the rest.

I feel I can't do that. Somehow I lack the confidence to believe that I can fight for what I think is right. That it is something I am not born for. Every fight I have been involved in (granted, it was only ever one real fight) has left me frightened and intimidated. I never want to hurt someone for real – and people like Jet show me that we can do good with things like this, where people are not hurt, but actually receive help.

I get the feeling that I will need a tougher skin for this, that if I am to survive in this world that I need to fight for myself and my goals. I can't just hide behind Zuko and Iroh. I need to win my own battles. I can't run from my fights like I ran from my parents.

My flame seems to agree and rises steadily as I inhale and shrinks when I exhale. It is calming to know that in all this madness I have something I can depend on that I can use if things get dire – something that will help me to fight for what's right.

Once I find out what that is, anyway.

As Jet sits down I watch him closely. He has no visible scar, just his two strange swords and a piece of corn plucked into the corner of his mouth. His brown hair is standing to all sides, slightly unkept and his eyes glimmer with confidence and strength. He is truly a leader.

“From what I heard,” he begins, “People eat like this _every_ night in Ba-Sing-Se. I can't wait to set my eyes on that shiny wall.” His eyes meet mine shortly and I quickly glance into my bowl, not wanting to meet his eyes. 

“It is a magnificent sight.”, Iroh says.

“So you've been there before?”

“Once.”, Iroh says elusively. “When I was a...different man.” For once, Iroh looks serious and hurt, as though his past is haunting him.

“I've done some things in my past that I am not proud of.”, Jet confesses. “But that's why I am going to Ba-sing-se. For a new beginning. A second chance.”

I keep my eyes trained on my bowl but I can feel his eyes on me. I feel very uncomfortable and hot, there is a flush rising inside my cheeks and I curse my body for reacting in such a way. I am thinking too much. Way too much.

“That's very noble of you.”, Iroh comments and sounds sincere. I look up at him and I can see Zuko's eyes trained hard on Jet and for some reason he looks angry, a fury flickering behind his eyes, but when he meets my eyes it's all gone and he looks away, his arms folded in front of his chest.

He does that a lot.

“I believe people can change their lives if they want to. I believe in second chances.”

There is no more conversation and after all the excitement I finally decide to try to take a nap, cuddle myself against the railing and listen to the waves crashing against the ship, lulling me to sleep slowly.

  
  


I sleep very uncomfortably and when I hear Zuko's step disappearing I get up and rub my eyes, watching his silhouette disappearing to the front of the deck. Iroh is fast asleep and I notice that Jet's eyes are following Zuko and he follows him, which alerts me.

I get onto my feet and follow the both of them, hiding behind a cabin on the deck in the shadows. I still have the sleep clouding my mind and feel terribly tired, but Jet looked so determined...it worries me.

“When I saw your scar I knew exactly who you were.”, I hear Jet and I am sure he is speaking to Zuko and I feel myself tense. If Jet knows that Zuko is the Prince of the fire-nation, then Jet can not be trusted with this knowledge. Oh dear.

“You're an outcast. Like me.”, Jet says and I barely hold back my sigh of relief. “And us outcasts have to stick together. We have to watch each others backs. Because no one else will.”

It kind of hurts to hear a human being say that. There is so much emotion and reminiscence in what Jet said that I feel my heart ache. Anger, fear, loss, betrayal. It is all tangled up.

“I've realized lately that being on your own isn't always the best path.”, Zuko says and my heart skips a beat. Iroh would certainly love to hear this and I know it would bring a genuine smile on Iroh's lips, not the goofy one he puts on to make Zuko smile.

The walls of Ba-Sing-Se come into few and I realize that their conversation is over and I hurry along back as silently as I can, returning to where I slept and where Iroh is still fast asleep. I feel slightly bad for eavesdropping, but hearing Zuko appreciate our company is somehow one of the best feelings that I have had in all these dry and confounding days.

I hear Zuko's steps as I pretend to be asleep and hear rustling nearby, opening one eye and find myself staring at Zuko, who is crouched beside me. My heart skips a beat and I sit up, too perplexed to pretend to be sleepy.

“Eavesdropping is not a valued trait.”, he says and my cheeks flush red.

“How...?”, I ask, but Zuko only raises an eyebrow and I drop my head. “I-I'm sorry.”, I mutter quietly, not intending to wake Iroh. “I thought when Jet followed you...I was worried.”

“You'd stand no chance against him.”, he says and I find great offence in that, but he looks only a little angry and scowls when I want to protest.

“Please, you are barely a beginner at what you do. Have you seen him? He wields his blades with confidence and he sprouts with experience. You have no chance against him. Do not bother to worry about me. I can handle myself.”

I am not sure if he's angry or just teaching me to observe people better, but either way I feel a spark of rebellion inside me.

“I am not weak.”, I hiss and Zuko's eyes squint at me. _I just wanted to make sure everything was alright._

“We'll see.”, he says and the conversation is terminated as he leaves me fuming. I cross my arms in front of my chest and pout until Iroh wakes up, who seems well rested.

How dare that damned Prince accuse me like this! My flame flickers and seems to agree and damn, I want nothing better than to evaporate something: The wood, the water around me and better yet, that damned prince.

“Good morning.”, Iroh says cheerfully and smiles his usual smile. I look at him and realize my anger is showing before I can even attempt to quench it. “What's wrong?”

“Ugh. Just Zuko.”, I grumble and fold my arms in front of my chest, glaring at the ground in front of me.

“Speaking of which, where is my nephew?”

I turn my head around and search through the crowds, but I can neither see Zuko, nor Jet, nor any of the freedom fighters. “I actually don't know.”, I mutter. With our latest encounter I hope he jumps from the boat anyway. And that he can't swim.

“No matter, he can't get lost on this ship.”, Iroh jokes. He stretches some more and I can't help it and ask,

“Iroh, I was...wondering. This flame. The bending. Where does your flame lead you?”

He blinks a few seconds before he looks confused. “What are you talking about?”

I flush a little. “Well, you know. The flame.” I touch generally over my chest. “It flickers. And it's...how do I put this...excited to go to Ba-Sing-Se. Is yours too?”

“It's excited.”, Iroh repeats, but it sounds more like a question than an answer. This is really awkward. He shakes his head. “No, I am afraid such a thing has not occurred to me.”

“Then...your flame just sits there?”, I ask.

He stares at me in silence for a few seconds. “There is no flame.”, he says after a while. “I can feel the chi and I can direct it, but there is no direct flame. Heat, perhaps. Do you mean heat?”

I shake my head and feel very sick. “I-...no. A flame. Like it sits right here in my chest, right between my lungs.”

Iroh leans back and sits cross-legged, his forehead frowned in thought, his fingers guiding through his beard. “Strange. Strange indeed.”, he murmurs.

“It's not normal?”, I ask and I almost do not want to hear the answer.

“Bending is very subjective. I can not tell you what is normal and what is not. I am sure that you need not worry and that whatever your....flame shares with you can not be meant as a bad sign for you.”

“So I should trust it?”, I ask hesitantly. “Is it honest?”

“Do you feel like it is?”

I blink at him in confusion and Iroh shakes his head. “It's alright. Don't overthink it too much, I am sure there is nothing wrong with you.”

After what he said I feel like I am not so sure any-more.

  
  


The ship finally arrives and we enter Ba-sing-se with a lot of anticipation, Iroh carrying our passports towards a queue of people that all want to get in. It takes another hour for our turn and finally the woman at the desk asks for our passports.

“So”, she says and sounds clearly annoyed already. “Mister Lee, Mashy and Miss Shao, is it?”

“Actually,” Iroh intervenes with a smile, “It's pronounced Moushy.”

The woman snaps back, “You telling me how to do my job?” Iroh shakes his head.

“Ah, no no. But may I just say you are like a flower in bloom. Your beauty is intoxicating.”

Stunned I stare at Iroh and let the words he just said seep in, but somehow my brain won't comprehend that Iroh is... Is Iroh really flirting? And...it's working?

“Mhm, you are pretty easy on the eyes yourself, handsome.”, she says and gives him a wink. She makes a sound like a cat and I am sure I must have hit my head during my sleep. “Welcome to Ba-sing-Se.” She stamps the passports and shoves them toward Iroh with a smile.

Iroh smiles widely back, takes the passports and turns to us. Zuko grabs his passport form Iroh's hands with an annoyed face. “I'm gonna forget I saw that.”, he mutters.

We move towards the tubes and wait there on a bench and I try to stretch my legs. It has been a while since we have all been comfortable and I lean back, memories of my family pushing themselves forward in my mind, but I push them back with force.

The topic of my flame is more recent anyway and it's exited in my chest. I wonder why. What's so great about the city? But it's hard not to get pulled in and swayed along.

“Finest tea in Ba-sing-se!”, a man suddenly yells across the whole station as he pushes his cart along. Iroh is immediately wide awake. He waves at the man.

“Jasmine please!”, he says. The man pours Iroh a cup and Iroh looks like a happy child that received something sweets until he tastes the tea. His face distorts into a grimace and he spits out part of his tea. “Coldest tea in Ba-Sing-Se is more like it.”, he says and I feel something shift beside me as Jet and the others inch closer again.

It seems they are not going to leave us alone and Jet's eyes are directed at Iroh at his remark.

“What a disgrace.”, Iroh says.

“Hey, can I talk to you two for a second?”, Jet asks and I give a nervous nod, following him. I hear Zuko doing the same, only he gives an exasperated sigh.

“We have a much better chance of making it in the city if we stick together.”, Jet says after we have moved for a few seconds and he turns around to face us. Is he recruiting us now? Making us leave Iroh? Is he nuts? “You guys wanna join the freedom fighters?”

Zuko speaks before I can. “Thanks, but I do not think you want us in your gang.”

“Come on, we made a great team stealing that Captain's food.”, Jet tries to convince. “Think of all the good we could do for these refugees.” He smiles and I know he means well, but we can not abandon Iroh.

“I said no.”, Zuko says finally and grabs my arm before I can even speak and pulls me along. The same electric feeling I always get rushes up my arm and it pulses through me like a heartbeat a few times, the flame inside my chest spurred on with each pulse, flickering higher.

“Have it your way.”, Jet says and I give him a smile and wave and he waves back.

Zuko does not look at me and I am still angry at him for what he said, so I pull my hand out of his grasp with more force than was probably necessary. Zuko only looks at me briefly, but his face is emotionless and he carries on. He probably knows that I am still angry and doesn't want to apologize at all.

When we return to Iroh's side, Zuko suddenly slaps the tea-cup from his hands. I stare agape at the cup that clatters to the floor. Did I make him this angry? He doesn't have to let it out on Iroh! I want to ask Zuko what the hell he is thinking but he speaks before I can.

“What are you doing fire-bending your tea?”, he hisses lowly, barely a whisper. “For a wise old man that was a pretty stupid move.”

I look at the tea and realize Zuko is right. Iroh fire-bend his tea. It was steaming when we came back.

“I know you are not supposed to cry over spilled tea, but it's just so sad.” Iroh pouts and I stare at the little puddle on the floor while Zuko folds his arms in front of his chests and sinks down onto the bank again. He seems to be fuming and I sit beside him, leaving a few inches between us. At least it was not me that made him burst out like that.

When the train finally arrives we are glad to move on to the train and move inside, sitting next to a couple that holds a newborn baby.

“What a handsome baby.”, Iroh says and tickles the little kid on the cheek and I smile. The woman smiles as well.

“Thank you.”, she says, then the train sets into motion and I can see the woman stare lovingly at her child. In all these hard times it is truly amazing that she was able to overcome them. Well, maybe not overcome them, but at least she did not lose herself in all the war and chaos outside and it is these people I realize that ensure that the war is not yet lost.

The vast area in between the walls in fascinating and I stare outside as the vast land of sand and few droplets of green pass by. The sky over our heads is clear and the sun bright and I wonder just what good it is we do here. After all, we are doing nothing but run away from a Nation and I am still not sure why Iroh wants to go to Ba-sing-se, the city where, if we are found out, we are most certainly not safe in.

The train stops and we are directed towards a little apartment that is usually too small for three people, but neither of us complains. It is a lot nicer than I would have thought and Iroh decides to go outside.

“I will try to find us some jobs.”, he says and is out the door before we can stop him. To avoid the awkward silence inside, we go outside towards the market and I get the feeling I am only dragging Zuko along, since he looks dissatisfied at everything and everyone.

The market is full of people and it is obvious from just a single glance what people live here: It's the refugees. They are all perched up here and even though the accommodations are enough, there won't be enough jobs for all of them and I wonder just how Iroh intends to find one for us.

“Oh look.”, I say as I approach a shop full of masks. They display a great variety of masks, but a certain one catches my eye, a story my mother used to tell me a lot when I was a child. “Do you know the story of the Blue spirit?”, I ask and see something flicker behind Zuko's eyes and he averts his gaze.

“I do.”, he says and I know this is what Zuko does when he is hiding something. He tries to cover it as disinterest, but I know him better.

“What is it?”, I ask seriously and Zuko raises and eyebrow.

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean.”, I say annoyed and I know his temper is just as short as mine in this regard.

“No, I do not.”, he says and I fold my arms in front of my chest and look away.

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

We are interrupted by a cheerful Iroh who is carrying a vase in his hand that is full of beautiful flowers and I raise an eyebrow. Zuko only glares.

“I just want out own place to look nice.”, Iroh says as he looks at the vase wit ha satisfied smile. “In case someone brings home a lady-friend.” He nudges Zuko gently with and elbow and winks at him and I feel my face flush. Of course. Zuko is looks like an adult and of course there is that aspect to him as well, even though I have a hard time seeing it.

“This city is a prison.”, Zuko responds coolly. “I don't want to make a life here.”

“Life happens wherever you are. Whether you make it or not. Now come on. I found us some new jobs and we start this afternoon.”

“How did you manage that?”, I ask in astonishment. Iroh laughs.

“If you know where to look, you will most certainly find.” Iroh is refreshing like that. He gives cryptic answers and advice and yet I never feel like he is only making fun of us. I think he truly means the words he says and that he knows their deeper meaning which he chooses for us to find ourselves.

We follow Iroh and well, I should not be surprised, but the jobs he has found us is a job in a tea shop. Before we enter however, Iroh looks over to Zuko and me and halts when he sees me. For a few seconds he only stares, then he searches his pocket with his hand and pulls out a hairpin. 

I can only stare at the instrument and see him coming up with a comb as well. Without asking permission he walks around me and begins combing my hair, which leaves goosebumps and a strange feeling on my skin. I feel the knots in my hair slowly loosen as the comb goes through smoothly and after about two minutes Iroh seems satisfied. I can hear him humming and glance at Zuko who has his arms folded in front of his chest and watches with narrowed eyebrows.

Iroh then takes my hair and I feel it being turned and twisted, the strange sensation of something gently nudging my head and then, all the pressure seems gone.

“There we go.”, he says and smiles.

“Uhm, thank you.”, I say and blush a little. I want to see what it looks like, but I can't. Iroh gives me the comb and places it in my hand. The comb is beautiful, white pins with a little piece of jade on top.

“Here. I want you to have this, as a gift for your great company.”

“My company?”, I ask. I didn't think....

“I just had the feeling that, with all the fuss my nephew makes, you were left out. This is a present from both of us.”

I glance at Zuko who only stares, his face betraying no emotion. It is hard to believe Zuko had anything to do with it at all and Iroh wants me to put Zuko back in the good books and I decide maybe I should, for Iroh's sake at least.

“Thank you.”, I repeat and blink the tears in my eyes away.

We enter the small house that looks nothing as fancy as it could, but it is moderately good equipped and looks like they have a steady stream of costumers.

After introducing ourselves the shop-keeper musters every one of us, then hands us a piece of clothing that we are supposed to wear on top of our regular clothes.

“Well,” he says, “You certainly look like official tea servers. How do you feel?”

“Ridiculous.”, Zuko blurts out.

“Uhhh.”, Iroh cuts in and I see he is still struggling with his attire. “Does this possibly come in a larger size?”

“I am have some extra string in the back, Have some tea while you wait.” He fills up three cups and gives them to us, then he disappears. He holds himself upright and smiles when serving, which I think is part of the business.

Iroh takes a sip and his face contorts into disgust once again. “Ugggh! This tea is nothing more than hot-leaf-juice!”

“Uncle,” Zuko cuts in, “That's what _all_ tea is!” I burst out laughing.

“How could a member of my own family say something so horrible?”, Iroh exclaims. “We'll have to make some major changes around here!”, he declares and grabs the hot pot, walks to the window and throws its contents out onto the street.

I do wonder though how tea can be anything else than hot-leaf-juice.

All day we serve tea to a few costumers, smiling politely as we do so. Iroh seems right in his element and brews the tea all by himself and I can see the smiles on the costumers faces growing with each cup. I do take a few cups myself and I have to admit there is nothing better than the tea Iroh makes.

As we wait for costumers Iroh hands us a cup and I thank him, gulping the hot liquid down. The liquid is hot as it travels and I can feel it enter my stomach, leaving behind a warm path through my body, similar to when Zuko touches me. Only that Zuko's touch is like electricity and tea is like a molten lava river.

I wonder briefly why that is and stare at Zukos free hand, the impulse to try it out growing stronger, but I fight it and jump into action as soon as a costumer enters.

The evening passes by and I have to admit the job we have is peaceful and somewhat rewarding, considering the amount of work we really do. When we go back to our apartment Zuko is clearly annoyed while Iroh is generally in good spirits.

I am most certainly more relaxed than I was before. If each day is going to be like this, then my life will be peaceful. Uneventful, but at least peaceful.

The flame inside me flickers and I know it disagrees. It is still weird referring to the flame as 'it' even though it is me. I think that living peacefully is something I could do, but I remember the days at home, the itching in my feet and the urge to go out. I realize now that the urge to go out and explore was also caused by the flame – the flame that led me to Iroh and now here.

Ugh. I have to stop thinking like this. It's not like there is something inside me instructing me, like I am a machine and something's ordering me around. My flame responds simply to...something. I respond to something. There. That explains it. Well, maybe not as well as I would like.

Zuko lies down on a make-shift bed and closes his eyes. He still has his brows slightly furrowed and I wonder if he looks like that even in his sleep. He'll get wrinkles when he gets older.

“Would you like some tea?”, Iroh asks.

“We've been working in a tea-shop all day. I'm _sick_ of tea.”, Zuko says. 

“Sick of tea? That's like being sick of breathing!”, Iroh exclaims.

“I'd still like some.”, I say. The tea helps me calm down my mind, it eases the pulses of my flame and it tastes good. All bonus points for why to like tea, despite the fact that it hydrates well and is good on the stomach. Iroh smiles and bows down to the cupboard in search for something when he finally comes up.

“Have you seen are spark-rocks to heat up the water?”, he asks.

“No, sorry. Did you forget them at the store?”, I ask and Iroh shakes his head and leaves through our door. For a brief second I wonder where he has gone when I hear him knocking on our neighbour's door and hear their voices faintly in the hallway until Iroh comes back with the spark-rocks in hand and a gleaming smile.

“I borrowed our neighbours.”, he says. “Such kind people.” He begins to make a fire and as I watch the flame my chest begins to pulse again. Watching a flame from so close is...deafening. Everything else seems to disappear. I watch as the flame lunges upwards toward the tea-pod and stare mesmerized at the blue base and the orange and yellow colour at the top.

As I inhale the flame stretches just a little higher and as I exhale, it drops again. I watch in fascination and only realize that Iroh is speaking to me when Zuko pulls at me arm and I feel that electric shock again.

I gasp and pull my hand away, staring at Zuko and rub my arm. I still do not know what it is, but my conclusion is that Zuko is giving me shocks on purpose and I have reached my limit, thinking that it is no longer funny. My flame spikes higher again and it takes all of my effort not to burst into flame, quite literally, as the hot flame inside my chest licks at my chest from the inside, making me burn internally.

“You think it's hilarious, right?”, I hiss at him and Zuko frowns while Iroh stands close by. “Giving me shocks like that is fun, huh? Well guess what, it isn't, so how about you stop.”

I get up before either of them can stop me, grab the door handle and leave outside, banging the door shut behind me. From the corner of my eye I can see the metal door handle glowering as though someone put a flame beneath it for multiple minutes.

After walking down the streets for a few minutes and the night air cooling me down slightly I realize I have lost my temper over nothing and feel ashamed of it. I am not even really sure why. It is not like the shock Zuko gives me hurts – it feels more like an imprint. I can always feel the imprint of his hand hours afterwards and feel that glowering pathway flowing from the point of touch towards my chest where it simply ignites the flame again. The flame pulses then, like a heartbeat and I am glad it was only the temper I lost.

The flame slowly dies down again and I feel hot and bothered. It is not right that I lost my temper so fast. At least I did not bend. Not much, anyway. The door-handle will live, I'm sure.

And how come I was so mesmerized by the flame? How come I could control it like that? I stand still near a fountain and clench and unclench my fingers. I need to learn to control it better. I can't expose us to danger like this. If anyone had seen – if someone knew what we were....

It feels very uncomfortable and I feel so stupid. I am not sure I can face either Iroh or Zuko, but I can't wander around all night. I just hope Zuko stops doing it, because it does not help the pressure in my chest at all and with each moment, the pressure grows. The flame seems to spike whenever the electricity cruises through my body and it feels like something aims to break free and I can barely contain it.

I wonder...will I explode or implode? It feels like a mixture of both.

I stand still for a few minutes and exhale with resignation. There is no use in any of this. I need to go back. Iroh can help me deal with this, can help me grasp and learn to discipline myself and to control it.

As I turn there is a sudden change in my chest. The flame flickers in warning and I immediately search for any attacker and barely duck away as something flies past my head and a 'thwack' announces that a little knife is stuck in the ground, the only silence in the dead of the night.

For a few moments nothing happens and I glance around, my hands elevated, ready to strike and in my head I scream that by all that I hold dear I should _not_ fire-bend and yet it would be so much easier to see...fire would be so easy to use.

I hear steps from the shadows and I can see a figure approaching and squint my eyes at the silhouette.

“Jet!”, I exclaim and let my hands fall. “Did you throw this?”

“Yeah,” he chuckles. “Sorry. Just wanted to check your reflexes.”

I raise an eyebrow and feel strangely relieved, yet anxious. I kneel down and pluck the knife from the ground and hand it to him. He takes it with a smile and his fingers linger on mine too long for my taste. Maybe he is coming on to me? But why?

“What are you doing out here?”, he asks casually and he slowly begins to walk and I have no choice but to tag along. No need to be rude, after all.

“Talking a walk.”, I say evasively. “And you?”

“I was looking for you, since, you know, we lost each other after the train.”

“Yeah, that was...unfortunate.”

“I know you are strongly tied to both that old man and Lee, but I thought I should ask you directly. You know I am always looking for people to make a difference. We could do that. I know you have potential in you and I'd like you to join my freedom fighters.”

I pretended to think about it, but my answer is clear already. “I'm sorry Jet, but I can't.”

“Why? I don't understand. We think alike, we can change things.”, he tries to persuade me and I shake my head. He is standing still now, his eyes trained hard on me.

“I can't leave them. They are my family, Jet. They are all I have.” I realize that what I say is not just an argument to get away from Jet, but rather the truth. Iroh is like a wise old father, while Zuko is...well, not like a brother, but I guess something close to that kind of relation. It is strange to think of it that way.

“The freedom fighters can be your family.”

“Jet...”

“Think about it. We could help all these people, we could make changes around here, make sure that justice is met. You have seen the state of this part of the city, they way we are shoved aside. I know that the upper rings look nothing like this. They are wealthy, pompous, happy. While we have to fight for every penny.”

“Jet, we are safe here. There is a war raging outside those walls and this is the only place people can go. Of course it is loaded with people and of course resources have to be managed in a completely different way. But we can't just go out there and force something on them. We are asking for _their_ protection.”

Jet shakes his head. “They are  _using_ us in our misery for low labours. We are merchants, artificers, workers. Nobody here is wealthy nor does anyone ever leave this place. There will never be a change if we do not force it.” Suddenly he grabs my arm to emphasize his point and I feel his fingers dig into my skin. I tense and I want to shove him away, but fight the urge. Jet would not hurt me, at least that is what I tell myself to keep me from fisting his stomach. There is a spike in my chest and I fight the urge, clenching my fingers into a fist and holding my breath.

“The people deserve someone to fight for them, a hope that things might change and things will get better. We are that hope. Imagine, if the freedom fighters were bigger, stronger, their influence could reach even higher up – can't you see? We have to grasp our own justice because _they_ will never deliver it.”

“Jet-”, I try to interject breathlessly, feeling more and more uncomfortable.

But before I can utter another word I hear a familiar pattern of footsteps and a voice breaks through the night.

“She said _no_ , Jet.”, Zuko says and I can hardly belief how relieved I suddenly am. Jet's grip loosens on my arm and I take a step back, rubbing my arm. I feel the air turning just a little shade warmer as Zuko enters with his presence.

“I'm sorry Jet. I understand your cause, but I do not think this is the answer.”, I say truthfully and Jet's eyes are like steel as his eyes pierce mine.

“Fine. Have it your way.” Jet glances at Zuko, then he turns and leaves into the darkness of the streets. Zuko approaches me, his eyes trained on Jet and when he finally disappeared his eyes look at me.

“You OK?”, he asks and his eyes scan my arm since I am still rubbing it.

“Oh, yeah. He has a strong grip is all.”, I smile and can still feel the tension in my shoulders and back. “Thanks for pitching it.” I can't look at him and wonder why he is even here – Iroh probably made him look for me. He saved me. Again. Am I really unable to do anything by myself?

I remember how he said that I would have no chance against Jet.

“Let's go back.”, Zuko says and puts a hand on my shoulder. I can feel the imprint of his warm hand even through the fabric and feel the electric pulse, but I suppress any sound that wants to escape my throat and press my lips into a tight line. I want to tell him that he needs to stop when I notice he does not even really look at me, he is looking somewhere else, somewhere into the darkness where Jet disappeared and his mind is too focused to be concentrating on his hand.

He is not doing it. Not on purpose nor unintentionally. I look at the ground beneath my feet as he leads me back to the apartment. “Look, I'm sorry for earlier. I just lost my temper.”, I mumble.

“It's fine.”, Zuko says. “Don't worry about it.” He seems calm and composed and it suits him much better than the annoyance and anger he usually displays. It is refreshing to see him like this.

I like him better like this.

The thought shoots through my head and I suppress anything that I could have implied by it immediately. But it keeps resurfacing, like an echo and a strange warmth spreads through my chest when I look at Zuko and I refuse to think it. Refuse to accept what my mind is clearly thinking.

When we enter the apartment Iroh is relieved to see me and I apologize to him a lot, telling him that I have no idea what got into me.

“It's just... I guess it's all the stress. New apartment, new life...”

“It's alright.”, Iroh says. “I guess temper is just is in our nature.”, he says with a smile. After a few more cups of tea we go to bed and wake refreshed in the morning. The work begins early today and Iroh shows me how he did my hair. I practice a little before I get it right and check in the mirror. I never really looked at myself this way and it is strange to see me now.

I am wearing a green-white earth-bending robe, I have dark brown hair that seems to have a few strands of red in between. My eyes are the colour of ember and I inch closer to the mirror to look more closely. Eyes are beautiful, I decide. I will have to study those of others more.

The flame inside me flickers gently as I study mine as though it is pleased. If it was a cat, I'd describe it as a purr. I can't help but wonder...when Jet 'checked my reflexes' it warned me. As though it is reflecting my instincts. Like the hairs on my neck that stand up when I feel threatened or intimidated.

It's strange...too strange. I can not place my finger on what it is, if it's me, something else...but I decided that whatever it is, it will not hurt me. It's been there, urging me to move ever since I was a kid and when I first bend fire, it came to life with a flicker. I brought it to live then.

Now, it's a part of me and I close my eyes, feel the heat rush into my fingertips and into my legs, my feet and toes. I feel warm and comfortable. It's...calming. My hand atop my chest I can feel my heart beat beneath my ribs and I enjoy the darkness behind my eyelids as I search for the flame.

For a few seconds I doubt that there is anything to discover at all when I feel a small tug inside me, as though something small and gentle tugs at my hand and I feel after that touch, lean more into the darkness, press into the sensation that something _is there_.

There is darkness and then, slowly, a thin path in front of me appears even though my eyes are still closed. The path seems covered in fog before it slowly clears and I can see it sways from side to side, drifting further and further into the distance like a silver lining. As I urge forward I can see something at the end and feel a presence, something...waiting. Patient and old and wise. I take a step forward and feel weightless. As I look up I see the flicker of a flame, flaming wings and then -

“Lin?”, I hear Iroh yell from downstairs and I am brought back to reality from my trance. I can see my eyes and stare for a second. What was that? What just happened?

“Coming.”, I call and hurry away, my mind whirling.

The whole day is rather uneventful and we simply serve tea without an incident at all. It gives me time to think over what happened, but I can't make heads and tails of it. I must have fallen into some sort of meditative state and seen strange things that probably mean nothing, but maybe I should talk to Iroh about them, although it feels really personal and I imagine it to be a rather embarrassing conversation to explain things that happened in my mind alone.

The costumers seem happy with Iroh's recipe and the shop-keeper likes it as well. The changes have attracted new interested faces and the shop is a little more full than yesterday.

When I stand behind the bar during my break Zuko is preparing tea in front of me. My elbows are resting on the bar and my head in my hands while I watch him and I focus on his eyes, studying them more closely.

His eyes have the colour of honey and I inch a little closer to identify the pattern in his iris when he looks up with a frown. Our eyes meet and I am still staring, only now do I realize how strangely intimate it all seems. I push myself back and feel my cheeks growing hot. No, not now!

“Something on my face?”, Zuko asks and I shake my head.

“N-no. Not at all.”, I stutter.

He frowns some more and finishes his preparations, then he moves away to serve the tea. My heart is pounding in my chest. His eyes are brighter than mine and his eyes have little sparkles of amber in them as well.

I shake my head. _Stop it._

News seem to spread and the days pass by. The shop gets a good reputation and the amount of costumers grow each day, much to Iroh's delight. As a matter of fact I think Iroh is the one most happy about these developments.

I have been battling with myself whether I should speak to Iroh about my most recent discovery, but I am afraid he will think I have completely lost my mind. But the image keeps replaying in my head and my flame won't stop flickering, it's almost painful as though the image is of great importance.

But I don't dare trying – whatever it was that I did – again.

I am standing behind the bar arguing with myself when a man suddenly exclaims happily,

“This is the best tea in the city!”

“The secret ingredient is love.”, Iroh says. I smile and give Zuko a glance. Zuko only rolls his eyes at his uncle, but I can see his mouth turn upward slightly as he turns.

The shopkeeper comes up to Iroh and whispers as he scans through the crowd, “I think you are due for a raise.”, he says and Iroh beams at him. Then, the door is slammed open and I can see Jet standing there. I almost drop the pot that I am carrying in my hand and stare bewildered at his angry face.

“I'm tired of waiting!”, he exclaims and points at us. “These three are fire-benders!”

The...what now? I know I am, but how could  _he_ know? What do we do? We look at one another with questioning glances. Best play dumb I guess.

Jet pulls his swords and the costumers leave a certain radius around Jet. I am furious and step forward, opening my mouth to protest, but there is no need since Jet is not finished yet.

“I saw the old men fire-bend his tea!”

“He works in a tea-shop.”, one costumer says with a furrowed brow.

“He's a fire-bender, I'm telling you!”, Jet repeats, but nobody aids him.

“Drop your swords, boy. Nice and easy.” The hair on my neck stands up and I watch as the scene unfolds in front of me.

Jet comes closer, clearly ignoring the remarks of the men. “You will have to defend yourself, then everyone will know. Go ahead. Show them what you can do.”, Jet dares.

I take another step forward, but Zukos strong hand pushes my shoulder back and I have to take a step back to not lose my balance as the electricity runs down my arm, almost numbing me. He grabs a sword from one of the men who had told Jet to drop his swords and says, “You want a show, I'll give you a show.”

“Lee, don't...”, I plead helplessly. But he does not listen at all. I clench my fist to suppress the spike of flame inside my chest.

Zuko pulls a table with his foot and kicks it towards Jet who jumps across it, dodging it effectively. He jumps onto a table behind him and waits patiently for Jet. Jet cut the table in half between Zuko's feet and he sways to one side, losing his balance only briefly before regaining it and even balancing on one half of the table, dodging Jet's strikes with his blade.

It hurts to just watch and I want to interfere, but Iroh holds me back with a quick glance. _Don't_. I look back at Zuko and plead to the universe or anyone who is in charge of things – please _do not let Zuko get hurt._

When Jet aims once again at Zuko's feet, he jumps upward and slashes in Jet's direction who jumps back. Then he dashes at Zuko and he strikes from both sides, closing in on Jet, but Jet blocks the blades at his sides with his and drags them apart, kicking out at Zuko.

Zuko retracts and dodges to the side, but Jet delivers a kick again and this time hits his target, sending Zuko against the door. The door does not hold and I inhale sharply when the door breaks and Zuko crashes outside. Jet jumps after Zuko and the fight continues outside with much ferocity.

Zuko jumps to his feet and blocks an attack by Jet with the blades. “You must be getting tired of using those swords. Why don't you go ahead and fire-bend at me?”

I know he is baiting Zuko and I am sure if he edges Zuko enough, Zuko will do as Jet wants. At least that is how I imagine Zuko to act and I stand apprehensively in the doorway beside Iroh. We are depending on Zuko and Iroh looks worried, but I am not sure who he is worried for.

Zuko looks like he is determined and I can't help but admire his fighting spirit. That he is defending himself and us like this.

“Please son, you're confused! You don't know what you're doing!”, Iroh says pleadingly.

“Bet you wish he would help you out with a fire blast right now!”, Jet snarls at Zuko.

When Jet strikes at Zukos feet, Zuko traps his blade on the ground. “You're the one who needs help!” He looks stern and somehow less tense than I imagined him to be and I think that this might actually work out for us – that Zuko will not lose his temper and fire-bend.

I am itching to get in the fight and help, but Iroh's hand on my arm holds me back, even though it looks like he is only concerned and holding on to me. Zuko's words jump back into my head. _You are no match against Jet._

I drop my head and clench my fist. Am I supposed to let it go like this? Will it always remain like this? Me being protected?

_I hate it._

Zuko strikes at Jet's torso and Jet bends backwards while the blade flings above his head, cutting the piece of corn he always had in his mouth in half. Never would I have imagined Zuko to be so proficient with these broadswords and with every passing second I become less and less worried for Zuko.

Jet jumps back onto a well. “You see that? The fire nation is trying to silence me! It'll never happen.” Jet kicks out at Zuko and Zuko dodges. With a growl, Zuko delivers a strike but it is blocked and the both of them stare venomously at one another. Then, Zuko turns and suddenly, they are back-to-back, delivering strikes around their bodies and above their shoulders to surprise the opponent, but the clashing of metal is evidence enough that they are both great swordsmen and neither can get the better of the other.

The wave of people that have been spectating suddenly parts and two men appear in black-green robes, their hands tugged into their robes.

“Drop your weapons!”, they order. Both Zuko and Jet part and Jet points at Zuko.

“Arrest them, they're fire-benders!”, he exclaims.

Iroh jumps in and steps forward. “This poor boy is confused. We're just simple refugees.”

The shop-keeper also jumps in and points at Jet. “This young man wrecked my tea-shop and assaulted my employees.”

The guards have our backs as well. “It's true sir, we saw the whole thing. This crazy kid attacked the finest tea-maker in the city.”

Iroh blushes at that comment. “Oho, that's very sweet.”, he says with a smile.

The two men in their dark robes surround Jet and order, “Come with us, son.”

Jet attacks them and I hold my breath as the fight is subdued and short-lived: Jet's hands are turned behind his back and bound there and he groans.

“You don't understand!”, he tries vehemently as he is carried away down the street. “They're fire-nation. You have to believe me!” But it is no use. They carry him away without a word and we watch in silence as they take him away.

I walk over to Zuko and grasp his arm, his gaze meeting mine. My arm is immediately tingling, but I ignore it. “Are you hurt?”, I ask and I can hardly believe that my voice stuttered for a syllable.

“I'm fine.”, he says and closes his eyes for a second, then he gives the guard his swords back and we return slowly to the tea-shop, the peace that had settled now disturbed. The split table needs to be replaced and the door as well – How did Jet know we are fire-benders? And why did he think he could out us? What was he thinking? Was his agenda to get us to join his Freedom-fighters just a trick?

I do not want to think what will happen to him now. Surely he will be retained in a prison cell and I wonder if he will be alright. The day ends there, the shop-keeper is busy arranging the repairs and sends us home. On the way I notice I always throw worried glances in Zuko's direction and I can see he gets annoyed, but it's hard to stop.

He just fought a sword fight after all. With real weapons. He could have gotten hurt and yet, it seems all natural to him. I wonder if one day I will learn to be as calm like that.

 


	8. Conclusions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Xia realizes what she feels toward Zuko and looses control for the first time. Iroh finally notices her powers - and comes across a revelation.

When the repairs are finally complete and the shop opens again, we work as usual and I have convinced Zuko to show me some 'moves' with the broadsword after our shift. Today is the day we are supposed to start, but it never happens.

A girl enters and Zuko stiffens. He serves her tea and after a while moved toward his uncle. “Uncle, we have a problem.”, he says as he puts down a tray and looks over his shoulder. I scoot a little closer to listen to what he is saying. “One of the costumers is on to us.”, he whispers.

I look around and see the young girl who is eyeing Zuko intensively. “Don't look now.”, Zuko tells his uncle, “But there is a girl over there. She knows we're fire-nation.”

When his uncle looks Zuko grabs his arm and turns him around.”Didn't I say don't look?!”, he snarls furiously under his breath.

“You are right Zuko.”, Iroh says. “I have seen that girl in here quite a lot. Seems to me she has quite a little crush on you.”

“What?”, Zuko says surprised.

The cup in my hand clatters as I drop it onto the tray and I look apologetically at Iroh. “Sorry, sorry.” Zuko glares at me and his eyes tell me  _You seriously need to stop eavesdropping!_

And suddenly, the girl is at the counter. “Thank you for the tea.”, she says with a smile and her eyes are all on Zuko. Of course. Now that I know, it is obvious to me as well that she likes Zuko.

But somewhere, somehow, I don't like it. Not that the girl does not seem nice. I simply do not like the fact that she has a crush on Zuko – and as I turn that thought over, I know exactly why, even though I try to deny the fact. She is beautiful, with two long braids over her shoulder and gentle, dark eyes.

She pays and drops the money into Zuko's hand, but Zuko turns around too fast for any eye-contact. He seems unaccustomed to these types of interactions.

“What's your name?”, the girl asks and I should really be getting to the table to serve more tea, but my legs won't move as I pretend I am busy arranging the cups. This girl sure is persistent.

“My name's Lee.”, Zuko says and finally turns toward the girl. “My uncle and I just moved here.”

“Hi Lee, my name's Jen. Thank you and...well...uhm...I was wondering if you would like to go out sometime.”

I freeze completely and can see the completely stunned face of Zuko and if I was not so stunned myself, I would laugh at his expression. Gladly, Iroh is here to...well, not safe the day, but he jumps in, at least.

“He'd love to!”, Iroh says and the girl beams.

“Great! I'll meet you in front of the shop at sundown.” With her beaming smile she leaves and Zuko still stands perplexed while his uncle taps him on the shoulder.

I don't know why, but the fire inside my chest pulses strangely and I want it to stop because it hurts and I stare at the cups in front of me, trying very hard not to think of anything and control the trembling of my hands.

_Flicker._

  
  


Zuko leaves at sundown and I know exactly where he is going. I tell him to have fun and watch him walk out the door, but my smile fades as soon as the door is closed. Iroh is almost jumping from glee and and can understand why, but I can't understand why I am not.

I pour myself a cup of tea, having learned how to do so from Iroh and lean against the bar. Iroh sees my face and he looks worried.

“What is it Lin?”, he asks and it is the first time I hear my name being said, well the name given to me.

“I-I don't know. I'm just not feeling well.”, I say and Iroh shakes his head.

“You are training too hard. I see you in the morning and after the shifts, you know.” He takes a cup of his own and with patience that only he possesses does he pull me down to a table and sits down for a talk. “Your forms are really coming along. But rest is just as important as training.”

“I-It's not the training.”, I confess. I take the chance and finally get it off of my chest. “It's something that happened a few days ago... I was looking into the mirror and then closed my eyes and concentrated on my inner flame when...”

I trail of and try to find words to describe it.

“There...was this path. And I could walk on it. And at the end was something waiting for me. It was large and it had flaming wings, but I could not see what it was.”

“Was is a dream, perhaps?”, he asks and takes a sip from his cup. He doesn't sound like he is making fun at all. It is a sincere question.

I shake my head. “No, more like a trance. Meditation perhaps.”

“A meditative state, then.”, Iroh concludes and sets the cup down. “So, what did you see?”

“Well, just the path, the flaming wings, everything else was dark. I sensed this...presence. And it was waiting.”

“Hummm.”, Iroh makes and leans back, furrowing his forehead into a frown. “That's very, very strange.”, he admits.

I stare into my cup. “It...it wasn't scary.”, I confess. “It was peaceful and thrilling. Like meeting an old friend.” I smile a little. That fits the feeling perfectly.

Iroh is watching me intently and when I meet his eyes it is the first time that I feel unnerved by Iroh.

“I don't know what it means.”, Iroh says before I can ask. “I have heard of something like that before... but I can not recall where. I will give it some thought.”

I nod and try to remove the voice inside my head that tells me something's seriously wrong with me. _Flicker._

The flicker hurts this time, like a stinging pain inside my chest and and grasp the cup a tad harder.

“Then, there is this other thing.”, I say. If I am talking about problems, I might as well finally address what I have been afraid to admit for some time.

“It's about Zuko.”

For a few seconds silence envelops us and I can see understanding glimmer behind Iroh's eyes.

“Yes, I've noticed.”, Iroh confesses after a while. I notice I have not touched my tea and I only take a sip, feeling the liquid in my mouth and letting it run down my throat, but the flame in my chest is nothing but an aching pulse and can't be quenched.

“How are you?”, he asks and as I feel inside me I can feel the ache appear again.

“It hurts.”, I say straight-forward. “My chest pulses and it hurts.”

“I think that is your heart.”, Iroh says after a few seconds as he returns with a newly brewed tea-pot.

“Why would it hurt?”, I wonder to myself, but the answer is in my head even though I do not want to hear it. The answer Iroh provides makes my chest even tighter.

“Because Zuko is out with Jen.”, Iroh says with a level voice and I can only stare at my hands. “You can't change that. But you can decide to be active – do something about it. About yourself. Too many times in my life have I been passive and waited, only to let an opportunity slip by.”

I know he is right. I hate that he is right. In this case, at least.

“But what should I do? Interrupt them? That would be rude. And Jen is nice. She does not deserve that treatment.”

“I can not tell you what to do. I can only give you the advice of at least trying.”

I stare into my cup and see my face: Worried, pain stricken even. I can see the pain in my very eyes and I do not like it. I get up from the table and take a deep breath.

“I'm going.”, I say determined. Iroh nods.

“Take care.”

It is dark out already and I realize too late that I have no idea where in the city they are, so I simply wander around and ignore all the other people. My eyes trick me and it seems I can see Zuko everywhere, see the scar pop up and see a laughing girl clinging to his arm, but it never is them – I curse myself for my imagination and keep walking. The sun sets, night sets in the and the people retreat into their homes. I must have missed them.

Slightly broken hearted I walk toward a plaza that lies in complete darkness and silence when I suddenly I hear a girl's laughter. I can hear the fountain in the middle of the plaza rush, but all is dark and I can barely see them, but somehow I know it must be _them_.

“I can't believe it, they aren't lit.”, the girls voice says from far across and I realize she means the lanterns that are standing around the fountain.

“Close your eyes.”, Zuko says and my heart skips a beat. No. Stop it. You can't interfere. It's his decision. “And don't peak.” I see Zuko step out onto the plaza and hide behind a pair of stacked boxes, feeling like a coward, but I can't face him right now. I stare over the boxes, hidden from plain sight and I wonder if he can hear the throbbing of my heart, if he can hear my ragged breathing.

With a few quick thrusts of his fingers he shoots little flames into the lanterns and suddenly the plaza comes to life. I stare in awe at the beautiful picture, keeping myself hidden in the darkness of the streets.

I can see the girl with her hands in front of her face and when Zuko tells her she can look, she looks in awe and amazement at the lights in front of her.

“Oh, wow!”, she says. “What happened. How did they light up? What did you...?” But she never finishes the question and I can see Zuko smirk from here. My heart skips a beat and I clench my hand into a fist. Stop it. _Stop it_. **Flicker.**

_You should not be here. This is private. Between them. This is not your place. You will only get hurt._

I ignore the voice. I don't want to listen. I know it would be better if I did not know, but...I am too curious.

It gets worse. They stand side by side and the girl grasps his hand and stares at him, making Zuko turn toward her. Before she can get closer, Zuko snaps an envelope between them. “I brought you something.”

I almost let out a huff of laughter at his bad timing. “It's a coupon for a free cup of tea.“

“This is so sweet.”, she says and grasps his hands. I wish I had her confidence. Zuko retreats a few steps and scratches his head.

“Don't thank me. It was my uncle's idea.”, he says nervously. “He thinks you are our most valuable costumer.”

“Your uncle is a good teacher.”, she says with a smile as she looks at the envelop that is now in her hands. “I have something for you too.”, she says and I wonder what it could be when her hands find Zuko's cheek an she turns him to face her. “Now it is your turn to close your eyes.”

My heart aches. It seems to bleed from the inside and yet I can not stop watching and see what happens. Inside me my hope is screaming that he still might reject her, but the hope dwindles away when he closes his eyes and I see her leaning in, balancing onto her toes as her lips reach for his and meet their target.

I see Zuko open his eyes briefly and see he is astonished, then his eyes flick and I think he sees me, but I turn around and leave. It's horrible. It's so painful I want to rip my heart out and leave it here on the street where someone else can deal with it.

The flame inside my chest feels like an inferno now and I can feel it raging inside me, reaching into every fibre of me and burning in my veins. It wants to burst out and I have a hard time breathing, can barely hold it back as I lean against a wall. I will myself to keep moving, to move away and to get as much distance between me and them as best as I can.

The street is dark. There is no other sound except for my heartbeat the the rushing of blood in my ear. I feel sick. For a brief second I look around and see a block – a large storage department made from iron.

Without much thought I topple inside and close the door and notice there is nothing inside before I fall against the door and close my eyes and the scene unfolds in front of my eyes.

Jen kissing Zuko.

_**Flicker.** _

The flame inside my chest seems to spring forth, the capacity full and all my power to suppress it only puts more pressure on it and it surges out. I fall onto my knees and huff heavily and feel the flames lick on my skin, feel it enveloping my whole body and the heat is soothing and exhilarating at the same time. And yet every pulse hurts.

I feel the tears and just as I release them they evaporate and I bow my head down onto my forearms and can't control anything any more. I don't _want_ to any-more. The emotions burst forth and I feel and hear myself sob, it's very distant in my ears. My back seems to burn and I clench my hands into fists.

The flame inside me is raging wildly, completely free and out of my control. I let it. I can't hold it back. All resistance is futile. All discipline forgotten.

Fiery whips form on my back and the flames leash out and I feel as though this was what I needed all long. To let my inner flame out, to let the instinct of it take over and ignite.

My arms are trembling when I push myself onto my knees and I can see the whips whipping even in front of me, the flames clashing onto the ground and walls, expanding as far as they can. There are scorch marks everywhere now...on the ground, the walls, the ceiling.

Now that the pressure is less, now that the fire rages around me I notice how beautiful it is. But also how scary. The flames do not hurt me. They flicker beside me like small whips and they slowly become less aggressive as I stare up at the ceiling, feeling hallow.

“Lin!”, a voice calls and I freeze in shock. The fire stills and I feel the whips on my back, feel them still as well and I turn around to see Iroh. I am still on my knees and he looks at me pitifully, with a pleading look in his eyes.

He comes closer and I almost panic, fall onto my back and crouch away.

“No, stay away, I can't control it!”, I say desperately and the flames whip again, seething like snakes and I still see him come closer. I close my eyes. I do not ever ever ever want to hurt Iroh. Never. I hold my breath. Count the seconds. I have hurt him before. I don't want to do it again. Never again.

_Stop it. Stop. I said STOP._

Two strong arms pull me into and embrace and I grasp around Iroh's back with mine and I shiver terribly, feeling suddenly cold and burnt-out. Iroh forms soothing circles on my back as the flames disappear and I feel the pressure inside my chest reaching a new low; it simply seems to collapse inside my chest.

“It's alright. I'm fine.”, he says soothingly and I calm down slowly. “Come.”, he says gently and pulls me onto my feet. “You need some tea.”

I do not disagree.

When we enter our apartment Zuko is not back yet and every thought of him makes make chest tighter, so I ignore every evidence of his presence, which is easy with him not being home yet.

Iroh sits me down and makes some tea, something that must be an automatism by now. I feel strangely relieved and heavy at the same time, but the burning sensation is gone only to be swapped by a hallow feeling in my chest that open wide like a crevice.

He puts a cup of tea in my hand and sits me down on the futon. “Tell me what happened.”, he says with a gentle voice and it pours out of me before I can stop it.

“I was wandering through the city looking for...him and...well, I found them. They were at the fountain and...they kissed. I just...I couldn't get myself to intervene and I...I ran away. It was just....” My hand reaches for my tunic atop my heart and clenches. “It hurt. Alot. I couldn't hold it in any longer and I did not want to hurt anyone. So I just...I couldn't control it any more.”

Iroh nods slowly. “I think I have neglected that problem of yours, but now I may know what the matter is.”, he says and puts his cup down. “I think the reason the forms and fire-bending come so easy to you is not only because you are a prodigy...it's because you are something I never imagined to really exist.”

I wait in apprehension for him to finally continue and he looks very seriously at me.

“Lin, I believe you are the Phoenix.”

My brain stops for a second as it tries to identify what that is supposed to be when I remember the very first conversation we've ever had.

“The phoenix is a being of immense power. It was a legend long ago, but since the Phoenix disappeared from existence, the legend died as well.”

“What does that mean?”, I ask confused. “What am I then? A---monster?”

“No, no!”, Iroh says. “Of course not. It only means that you are, besides the Avatar, the greatest fire-bender there is. That is why fire-bending comes so natural to you, that is why even without training you have a strong instinct for the flame, even if you have not realized it. I was testing your limits, see what would happen and I apologize for that. I never thought the outcome to be so disastrous.”

“Then...what does it mean?”, I repeat. “What does it mean for me? What do I do with...this?”, I signal generally over my body.

“Legend says that the Phoenix stands by the Avatar's side and is their most loyal companion. Upon death, the Phoenix is reborn in his own ashes and therefore, the Phoenix can always protect and aide the Avatar throughout their reincarnation.”

“I...the Avatar.”, I say. “Me? Helping the Avatar?” I am completely overwhelmed by the idea.

Establishing peace, ending the war, bringing down the fire-nation and their hunger for power. Those are all such big goals, such big things to achieve that I feel puny. How can _I_ possibly help? I can't even fight! My last fight was a disaster and I could not even protect myself. I was helpless.

Zuko had to protect me.

Zuko.

It hits me like an earth-bended rock.

Standing beside the Avatar, bringing harmony and peace and ending the war...it means I will have to go against Zuko. Fight him, maybe. Zuko is intending to capture the Avatar after all. It is his way of redemption to go back to his home – back to the fire-nation.

I feel tears rising in my eyes and I can do nothing to stop them.

“Not only do I... but I have to _fight_ him too?”, I ask shaking and I feel the words almost chocking in my throat.

“It's never easy.”, he whispers under his breath. “Life plays tricks like that.”

“What should I _do_?”, I ask between hiccuped sobs. “I can't just abandon you...I owe you so much. I don't know how to handle this.”

“You won't have to.”, Iroh says. “I am sure an opportunity will present itself where the time comes for you to find your destiny.”

“I am very bad at being patient.”, I choke out a laugh and Iroh smiles, but it fades into a determined expression.”I will teach you fire-bending more intensively from now on. We may be in Ba-Sing-Se, but if you want to stand a chance, you need more training.”

Stand a chance?

A chance against Zuko. Against Azula. Against all of the Fire-Nation.

I look at Iroh bitterly and he does not look pleased either. I know he is hoping that Zuko will drop the 'capturing the Avatar' stuff and live differently, but Zuko is obsessed.

There is no way it will work. He and I are meant to clash and the flame inside me flickers with a sort of soothing feeling, as though it tries to calm me down from the inside, licking the pieces in my chest that feel like broken glass.

“Are you...sure?”, I ask defeatedly and weak. I am not sure I have it in me to fight this anymore – maybe I have no other choice but to accept what I am meant to do, for the better of everyone and the world we all share.

Even if it means not sharing it with Zuko.

Iroh nods. “I have no doubt. You exceed in all the aspect of fire-bending, you bend it naturally and your fire is not controlled by rage of fury. Your fire is the warmth and light of your very soul and your very being. The fire-bending I saw back in the storage hall... I have never seen anything like it.”

For a few seconds we are quiet and I stare into the cup, staring into the reflection of my complexion. I look tired, the tears slowly drying at the corners of my eyes and my eyes are dull, all light in them faded.

“I think I need to rest.”, I say and get up slowly, leaving the cup full and steaming on the table.

“Xia.”, Iroh says and I halt in my step, my hand barely on the door handle, but I can't make myself pull it to draw a veil between Iroh and me, A veil that will distance us.

“I am here for you. Anytime.”

I feel tears rising and will my voice not to shake as I nod my head. “Thank you.”

I step into my room, close the door and slide down onto the wooden floor, tears streaming down my face as my chest seems to shatter into pieces once again. My flame flickers inside me, soothing, relaxing and yet it feel like it is trying to soothe a weeping mother that has lost her child.

Whatever destiny is, it is one thing: Cruel. If not completely heartless. Why does it play tricks like this? I never wanted things to turn complicated. What does it really mean for me to be the Phoenix? Does it really mean that my life will be dedicated to the Avatar, or am I somehow free to choose my own destiny?

But then again, what other path is there? I too want to help if I can, even if I am frightened. I want to better the world, to restore balance and peace between the nations, even though it will be impossible with the absence of the air-benders. A whole culture wiped out for greed and hunger for power.

I fuel the sadness with a boiling hatred that consumes every fibre and seems to set me aflame, my hands glowering as the flame tickles my finger tips and I stare at the flames, the only light in the darkness of my room.

Maybe this _is_ what I am meant to do. My destiny is something I can chose freely and if I can, I choose to better the world. To help the Avatar is the only logical consequence.

The flame dies in my palm as I close my fingers around it and darkness envelops me.

Zuko and I are not meant to be. I know that now, but it hurts. I close my eyes and let my head fall back onto the door with an almost inaudible thud. My eyes are burning from crying and I feel suddenly drained and exhausted.

My last thought is of Zuko, imagining him walking down that plaza with _me_ , a dream that enters my head and festers into the darkest corner of my head like a cancer.

I slowly drift asleep with my head producing many pleasant images of a future that could have been, situations and occasions that would allow for my fantasies to become reality. Dreams are nice.

  
  


Zuko returns late that night and I wake up from an awkward, neck-paining position still sitting against the door. I hear him come in an mumble a Hello to Iroh.

Iroh offers him tea and asks, “How was your night, Prince Zuko?”, but Zuko simply slumps down into his bed. He slams his door shut and for a few seconds nothing happens and silence settles in until the door creaks open and I hear him say,

“It was nice.” The door closes and my heart clenches painfully. Of course. I breathe in deeply, controlling the tears. I should try to be happy for him at least, if I can not be happy for myself.

When I crawl into bed and pull the cover over my eyes I find no pleasant dreams waiting for me.

 


	9. The Avatar's Bison

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Xia learns to cope - somewhat, and Zuko is thrown back into his obsession with the Avatar.

I jerk awake with a start from a nightmare and feel my breath catch in my throat as I feel the tears on my cheeks. I pull my knees toward me chest an bury my chest, the bitter taste of blood and dark, heavy images from my nightmare weighing on my mind.

I can't sleep like this. I do not want to do this to myself. I decide to get up and sneak out, wearing my training gear and walk down the apartment into the back garden that no one ever really uses, especially not in the dead of night.

I practice the forms and imagine an enemy, imagine attacks and I retaliate. I strike and kick, whirl around and when the sun rises at the horizon I am covered in sweat and I feel fatigued. But my mind weighs a ton and my heart is shredded. I straighten as the sunlight strikes my eyes and I shield my eyes from the sudden invasion of light that glistens at the horizon.

The sun rises. A new day begins. No rest for the weary, I suppose. But I am not weary. I am lost. I am a mess. I return to the apartment and wash up. On my way I can see Iroh in the kitchen and he looks at me with sad eyes, but he does not stop me. I try to ignore his eyes, but I can't.

“You were out?”, Zuko asks me as I pass by.

I ignore him and slam the bathroom door shut.

“What's with her?”, Zuko asks and I can hear him through the door. Iroh answers something but I can't hear with all the cooking noises from the kitchen and the boiling kettle.

I stand still for several seconds until I feel the flame inside my chest flicker gently, pulling me out of my trance and I place a hand on my chest.

“Phoenix, eh?”, I whisper to myself and decide that a cold shower is in order. Usually I heat the water with a little bit of fire-bending since there is no window here and no one can see, but my skin is burning as it is and I feel the trickling of cold water run down my skin, cooling me down.

My skin is burning less now. It used to be that an liquid would evaporate on my skin, be it tears or water. Bathing always was troublesome and a bathtub was needed to get me clean. Now, I feel more in control of that and I wonder if it is somehow connected to the fact that I finally know what I am... _who_ I am.

After a good thirty minutes I get out of the bathroom and imagine this is what people must feel like when they are truly cold. I shiver and sit down at the table, my hair still wet and hanging down in strands.

I used to be shy around Zuko, never letting him see me when I was anything but my best, but now...it does not matter any-more.

I can feel Zuko throwing me more scrutinizing looks during breakfast than ever during our entire journey. He does not ask anything, but I can see the question even from the corner of my eyes but I can't look at him.

I have seen his honey-coloured eyes in my dreams and nightmares, both cases are unpleasant. The dreams because they cast the illusion of a wishful reality and nightmares because they use my fear against me.

After breakfast and Iroh trying to lighten the mood and move down to the tea shop and as always the costumers are happy with us, even though I smile a forceful smile. At some point I am serving tea to an old couple and they tell me they have been married for sixty years and I congratulate them and wish them happiness, but I can't feel the usual giddyness that I usually felt.

If feels cold and void where that feeling used to be.

I turn around with the tablet in hand to return to the counter when I suddenly clash together with someone.

“Oh!”, I gasp as I catch and balance the tray in my hands and stare bewildered at the suddenly in-front-of-me-standing Zuko. I open my mouth to say something, but shut it immediately and turn away.

I can't look at him. Can't talk to him.

He says nothing and walks by and it feels weird. Us not talking, not even a little. I shake my head and push the thoughts away. Just as I move behind the bar I see two men approach Iroh as he is serving a table near the entrance.

“So you're the genius behind this incredible brew. The whole city is buzzing about you. I hope Pao pays you well?”, he ask with a raised eyebrow.

“Good tea is it's own reward.”, Iroh says diligently and I admire him for it.

“But it doesn't have to be the only reward.”, the stranger says and I see now from his robes and the jewellery on his fingers that he must be rather wealthy. “How would you like to have your own teashop?”

I almost burst out with happiness, the sudden information completely clouding my dark thoughts. Even with my current predicament, I would never not feel happy for Iroh.

“My own teashop?”, Iroh says dazzled. “This is a dream come true!”

The shopkeeper intervenes. “What's going on here? Are you trying to poach my tea-maker?!”

“Sorry pal, but that's business for you, am I right?”

The shop-owner becomes desperate. “Mushy, if you stay, I-I'll make you assistant manager. Wait! Senior assistant manager!”

The other guy quirks in. “I'll provide you with a new apartment in the upper ring. The teashop is yours to do whatever you want. Complete creative freedom.”

“I even get to name the shop?”, Iroh asks and I can hear how stunned he is and walk slowly to his side, smiling brightly at him.

“Of course!”

“Senior executive assistant manager?”, the shop keeper tries, but Iroh is sold. Iroh gives the shop keeper the pot and smiles at the gentleman, giving him a polite bow to tell them that they have a deal. I share Iroh's happiness and give Iroh a hearty hug which he returns.

“I am so happy for you, I-Moushy.” Iroh smiles at me and his eyes travel over my shoulder to Zuko.

“I'll try to contain my joy.”, he says with his annoyed voice and walks away from us through the tables toward the door and outside. He closes the door behind him with a slam. I frown at his behaviour and give Iroh a worried look, then I follow Zuko outside even though every fibre inside me wants to stay away.

I see him leaning against the wall just outside with a parchment in his hand that shows a giant animal and I read that the...Avatar is looking for his Bison?

Iroh's words come into my head and this might be where it all comes together. The flame – Ba-Sing-Se and now the Bison. It all makes sense now. But I can see that Zuko is already planning something and that behind that stoic mask of his a plan to apprehend the Avatar is coming into effect.

“Lee.”, I say even though it is not his name. I want to distract him, want to break him out of his trance, but he is too far gone. He looks at me only briefly, then he looks up high in the sky, searching for something. He does not mind me as he runs around the house and begins to climb atop the building and I can only watch worriedly as he looks for something in the sky, his eyes determined.

My heart aches.

It has begun. We are drifting apart, bit by bit.

  
  


I am sitting with Iroh inside our apartment, packing our things while Iroh searches for a name for the shop. I share his excitement and glee and am glad destiny has favoured him in such a way, but the events with the Avatar's Bison sour my mind and I know Zuko will not let this go.

It reminds me of my own...I do not want to call it destiny. Destiny sounds like something has been decided for you a long time ago and you follow that path because you have no other choice – I refuse to have my choice being taken away. I choose to aid the Avatar because it is the rigth thing to do.

After a while Zuko shows up. Iroh tells him immediately about the names for the tea shop and asks for Zuko's opinion, but I can see his mind is set on something else. He pulls out the parchment and shows it to Iroh.

“The Avatar is here in Ba-sing-se.” My chest burns aflame again and I now know why: My place is by the Avatar's side. Just...why does Zuko have to be my enemy on this?! I stare at my hands, not daring to look at Zuko.

“And he's lost his Bison.”, Zuko says and Iroh takes the parchment with a frowned brow.

“We have a chance for a new life here. If you start stirring up trouble, we could lose all the good things that are happening.”

_Yes, please, drop it Zuko,_ I beg inwardly and realize that my hands are clutching hard enough for the white of bone to show.

“Good things that are happening for _you_.”, Zuko clarifies with a sneer. “Have you ever thought that I want more from life than a nice apartment and a job serving tea?”

The air is now thick and I know a conflict is unavoidable at this point. “There is nothing wrong with a life of peace and prosperity. I suggest you think about what it is that you want from your life. And why.”

There is no hesitation when Zuko says, “I want my destiny.”

“What that means is up to _you_.”, Iroh throws back.

  
  


That night I hear Zuko exit his room and leave through the front door as quietly as he can, Iroh snoring peacefully nearby. I have not slept peacefully since the day I lost control and I am easily stirred awake by his familiar foot-pattern.

I open my door just a crack and watch as Zuko disappears outside with a dark outfit on and he wears a mask of blue and white that is strapped around his head.  _The blue spirit_ , I think and am suddenly wide awake.

Why is Zuko dressed like that? What is his intention? Where is he going?

Without a second thought I follow him outside in a hurry and keep the distance as wide as possible. It is hard to follow his movements since he is moving fast and agile and I am trying not to get detected. A road opens up before us, one of the trade main roads I suppose, and an Earth-Kingdom-Agent walks down the road.

I barely halt in the shadows of an alley and see as Zuko runs past one of those guys dressed in black-green and bumps him on the way, but I wait at the street corner and watch as the man follows Zuko into an alley, clearly lured.

I am not sure what Zuko's intention is, but as soon as they have both disappeared around the corner I slowly make my way over there, my eyes darting to the sides to make sure there are no more agents nearby that could surprise me.

As I draw closer to the alley I can hear the clatter of wood and then swords meeting.

“If you do not want to end up like him, you'll do what I say.”, I hear Zuko say, barely a whisper in the wind, but there is no response. A little bit of shuffling and Zuko is moving away.

I turn into the alley as soon as he turns the next corner and my heart drops to my knees when a hand grasps my shoulder and pulls me back. I hold out my arm, shove the arm away and aim a kick with my left leg, but my leg is held tightly in the air by a strong, broad hand.

I realize my mistake and relax. “Iroh!”, I huff relieved.

“Shh!”, he says and slowly the both of us follow Zuko and the man down to a lake, where the earth-bender reveals a pair of stairs that lead into a complex underground. His figure disappears together with his hostage into the darkness and both Iroh and I hurry to keep up. The entrance remains open even when we pass and I am glad for it – I am not sure how we would get out of here later.

We follow them through a labyrinth of tunnels and caves. The sole light source are glimmering crystals that emit a strange green and blue light, illuminating pathways and darkened corners.

Where are we? What is Zuko doing down here? And where is that Agent leading him? Finally they come to a halt and Iroh holds me back behind a wall, shacking his head.

“It's in there.”, the man says and then suddenly there is a loud 'thwak' and a groan, then the slumping of a body onto the ground. I can hear an iron door being opened as it creaks and then for a few seconds there is nothing until a loud groan and roar of an animal vibrates through the tunnel.

Oh no. Zuko is after the Avatar's bison, isn't he?

I look at Iroh and he nods, then we dash towards the door.

I hear his voice as we approach. “You are mine now!”, but Iroh steps in and interrupts him.

We slip in and close the door behind us. The Bison is alright and eyes all of us suspiciously, It is scared and scarred, I can see from the way it is cowering and I feel a pang of pity. The Avatar's bison. Who knew just how gigantic these beasts were? And why is it _here_ of all places?

“Uncle? Xia?”

“So, the blue spirit. I wonder who could be behind that mask?”, Iroh says like someone trying to solve a puzzle and I wonder where he gets the sudden calm from, because I am too tense to even utter a word. What is it that Zuko is trying to do?

Zuko sighs and removes the mask. “What are you doing here?”, he asks exasperated.

“I was just about to ask you the same thing.”, Iroh says and I feel a chill run along my spine. “What do you plan to do now that you found the Avatar's Bison? Keep it locked in our new apartment? Should I go put on a pot of tea for him?!”

I can hear Iroh is angry and I have never experienced that before. It is a strange feeling to hear his voice in such a tone. I shiver involuntarily.

“First I have to get it out of here.”, Zuko says.

“And then what?!”, Iroh yells. “You never think these things through! This is exactly what happened when you captured the Avatar at the North Pole! You had him and then you had nowhere to go!”

“I would have figured something out!”, Zuko snarls back.

“No!”, Iroh interjects. “If his friends hadn't found you, you would have frozen to death!”

“Ugh! I know my own destiny, uncle!”

“Is it your own destiny, or is it a destiny someone else has tried to force on you?”, Iroh asks.

“Stop it, uncle! I have to do this.”

“I'm begging you, Prince Zuko. It's time for you to look inward and begin asking yourself the big questions: Who are you? And what do _you_ want?”

I can not let Zuko hurt the Bison. I walk slowly toward the Bison and gently stretch out a hand toward it, keeping eye contact with it's huge, glassy eyes. It eyes me suspiciously and doesn't move. It is stiff and scared, I know, but I smile.

“It will be alright.”, I whisper, but I am interrupted by Zuko who suddenly screams behind me and both the Bison and I jerk back. His swords clatter to the ground.

For a few seconds there is silence and nothing moves. Zuko is paralysed on the spot and then he grabs his swords and moves towards the beast with newfound determination.

I move forward, but Iroh stops me. “Iroh, let me go!”, I say as I fight against him and Iroh looks at me with stern, knowing eyes. Zuko stands beside the bison, swings his sword and -

shatters the shackles. I stop fighting Iroh and he lets me go as we watch Zuko free the Bison. I am relieved and surprised. I really thought he would...

The Bison takes flight immediately and disappears in the hole above and is gone while Zuko, Iroh and I simply stare after it. It is free. Will it find it's way to the Avatar? I hope so. I truly do.

We exit the place with surprisingly no effort at all and at the top of the lake Zuko carries his mask still, then he drops it into the water. It flows for a few seconds before sinking into the water, disappearing from sight.

We do not speak. There is nothing to be said and Zuko is still fighting with himself. But this is not a fight we can help with, this is a fight of his own and I am simply glad he chose to do the right thing – that he let the bison go.

Maybe, just maybe there is still hope.

For him.

For the world.

 


	10. Sickness of Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zuko changes, Xia realizes her destiny, and two paths depart.

After we reach our Apartment Iroh makes tea as usual and I sit on my futon while Zuko looks into nothing. “You did the right thing.”, Iroh says gently. “Letting the Avatar's Bison go free.”

Zuko's shoulder are hanging down and his sword scratches on the floor. He looks tired. “I don't feel right.”, he confesses. To my horror he sways and collapses onto the floor. I catch his shoulders barely and his body weight pulls me down and the both of us crash onto the ground. I sit upright and am glad to see his head is safely tucked against my chest and I check for signs what could be wrong.

“Zuko!”, Iroh exclaims and I try to turn him onto his back. His face is distorted, there is sweat on his forehead and he groans. I feel his forehead and notice he has a fever as well. Seeing Zuko so defenceless and sick scares me. I examine his face closely and can see every little detail of his scar that is covering the left side of his face, can see the clear linings of his eyebrows and the structure of his hair.

My heart beats strongly and I recognize the butterflies in my stomach. _I know_ , I tell myself annoyed. I do not want to be constantly reminded, but this is the first and most likely the only time he and I will ever be close like this.

_You are using the sickness as an excuse!_ , my conscience complains and I throw that voice somewhere far back into my head. I try to banish any other thoughts except those to help Zuko from my head and Iroh helps me bring him to a bed.

We throw blanket after blanket on him until he stops freezing and rub a cool towel onto his forehead every few minutes to cool down his fever. We are both not moving from his side and I can see Iroh is just as worried as me.

Zuko turns multiple times in his bed and looks like he is in pain and he groans, but there is not much more we can do. After a few hours Zuko seems awake and complains that he is thirsty. Iroh prepared a bucket of clean water for him to drink and I take the bucket with the giant spoon and put it against his lips. Zuko opens his mouth and gulps it down, then, with much more strength that I imagined he had, he pulls down my hand and drinks all of it in one gulp.

He turns around for the bucket of water, grabs the whole thing and brings it to his lips, drinking and spilling most of it. After it is empty, he throws it across the room and I almost jump. He lies back down without a word and coughs, then he closes his eyes and falls back asleep.

All Iroh can do now is pull the blanket back up and we wait at Zuko's side patiently. My mind is completely blank as I draw my fingers through his hair while my other hand gently moves the cloth on his forehead. I am selfish like this. But I don't want to waste this chance and Iroh does not complain at all. He seems both calm and worried, a strange combination for a situation like this.

He seems to know what this is about and yet he fears the outcome. A strange feeling of certainty without exact knowledge. I do not dare ask Iroh what is going on because I might wake Zuko, however after even more hours of sleep Zuko regains his consciousness again and opens his eyes slowly.

He looks up at me and out eyes meet. I do not dare utter a word, my hand still tangled in his hair, rubbing is soothingly, but now that he looks my hand is stilled. I fear that he might reject me, that he will slap my hands away but he doesn't.

Instead, he closes his eyes briefly and turns his head slightly to look at Iroh. He opens his mouth and his voice sounds hoarse when he asks wearily,

“What's happening?”

“Your critical decision. What you did beneath that lake it was in such conflict with your image of yourself, that you are now at war within your own mind and body.”

“What's that mean?”, Zuko mumbles.

“You are going through a metamorphosis, my nephew.”, Iroh says almost lovingly and I can see that he cares deeply. “It will not be a pleasant experience. But when you come out of it, you will be the beautiful prince you were always meant to be.”

Zuko falls back asleep. I wait for a few minutes until I continue, but my eyes are finally falling shut as well. We have been sitting here all day, caring for Zuko and night is already creeping against our windows. 

After a few more hours, even Iroh and I seem to have fallen asleep, because the next time Zuko awakens he wakes me with a scream and I can see he sits upright, but I see no imminent danger as my head whips around. He touches his scar and seems to relax.

I shake Iroh awake and Iroh stretches with a loud hearty yawn.

“How are you feeling?”, he asks, but Zuko is quiet and only stares in the direction of his legs, motionless. Iroh gets up and signs me to follow him.

“Let's make some dinner.”, he says and we retreat into the kitchen. I cast some glances at Zuko now and then and only see him get up slowly, then he walks into the bath and disappears for a few minutes. Whatever it is Iroh is cooking, it smells really weird and I barely contain a comment, but I do throw a few suspicious looks in the pot.

“It's not as bad as it smells.”, Iroh assures me.

Zuko returns from the bath fully dressed and yawns heartily. “What's that smell?”, he asks and I watch him closely, just in case he drops down again.

“It's Yuk. I am sure you wouldn't like it. Xia doesn't.”

Zuko folds his arms behind his back, bends over the pot and smells diligently. “Actually, it smells delicious.”, he says and grabs a bowl from the side, offering it to Iroh.”I'd love a bowl, uncle.”

Both Iroh and I exchange a glance of bewilderment and Iroh complies, but the both of us do not quite believe what we are seeing and watch him closely.

“Now that you fever is gone you seem...different somehow.”, Iroh says with a frowned eyebrow.

“It's a new day. New apartment, new furniture and today is the grand opening of your new tea-shop. Things are looking up uncle.”

He says all of this without a sneer, without sarcasm and without laughing evilly. He means it. I can hardly believe the Zuko in front of my eyes and wonder just what happened to him. Zuko moves toward the little table in front of the window and stares outside, the bowl of Yuk in his hand and he looks content and peaceful.

“I was wondering if you could show me a different hair style, Iroh.”, I say after a long pause to break the awkward silence and Iroh smiles brightly at me.

“Of course. I still know a few.” I don't ask how he knows them at all.

After eating the Yuk, which in my opinion tasted terrible, Iroh shows me a few more forms of fire-bending. Iroh is a lot harsher now and my muscles are strained, but I am pulling through. Zuko is not with us.

“You are doing really well.”, Iroh says. “I have rarely seen such raw talent since...Azula.”

“The Princess?”, I ask and remember the women with the mean smirk, the demeaning sneers and her most impressive ability to fire-bend a blue flame. Iroh nods.

“I have also noticed that your instincts are strong about your fire-bending.”, he says. “I implore you now to think too much in battle – let your instincts guide you.”

“I will.”, I say and feel the air growing heavy. It feels like we are saying good-bye like this and it makes my heart ache. I look at the ground.

“Iroh, I want to thank you.”, I say. “You have shown me so much kindness and shared your wisdom with me. If...when I...” I sigh heavily.

“I understand.”, Iroh says and smiles brightly. “It makes me proud to see that you accept your path like this. That you understand what you need to do.”

“Thank you.”, I say and barely hold back the tears. We embrace and I am afraid – afraid of the future and the time we will say good-bye.

  
  


Afterwards, Iroh shows me a rather difficult knot that sits atop my hair and I struggle with it for a few minutes until I give up and slam the hairpin down.

“No knots for me.”, I decide and Zuko peeks in.

“It suited you.”, Zuko says.

I almost throw my brush at him and feel my face turn red, while Iroh only smiles widely. I decide for the most simple knot Iroh showed me and am satisfied as it is, smiling at the hair-pin and the comb Iroh gifted me. I place down the comb and follow the two of them out.

The grand opening is a great success. I have never seen Iroh more radiant than today and I can even see Zuko smile. Sometimes, when I see those two talk to each other privately, I wonder if my presence is an intrusion upon their relationship.

After all, I simply stumbled into their duo and I remember Zuko's reluctance to accept me until Iroh was training me. It feels like I was...different back then.

“Who thought when we came to this city as refugees that I'd end up owning my own tea-shop? Follow your passion Zuko. And life will reward you.”

“Congratulations uncle.”, Zuko says and I am too far away to really be a part of the conversation, so I only listen as I serve out tea to a nearby table.

“I am very thankful.”, Iroh says gently.

“You deserve it. The Jasmine Dragon will be the best tea-Shop in the city!”, Zuko encourages and it warms my heart to hear it and I can't even contain my smile.

“No. I am thankful because you decided to share this special day with me.”, Iroh says and I excuse myself from the table slowly, retreating behind the bar. “It means more than you know.”

Zuko hugs him tightly and then bursts out, “Now, let's make these people some tea.”

As he turns and brushes past me I can see a smile on his face and he nods towards me. This Zuko is cheerful, energetic, kind. Somehow, it does not feel right.

“Yes, let's make some tea!”, Iroh agrees and we all get back to work.

The day is successful and fruitful and in the evening, a messenger arrives with a message to Iroh.

“A massage from the royal palace.”, the messenger says and bows, then he is gone and excitedly, both Zuko and I curl around Iroh to read the message, but Iroh holds it too close to his face for us to peek.

“I- I can't believe it!”, Iroh says and he sounds pleasantly surprised.

“What is it uncle?”, Zuko asks and I try to peek, but I can't read the letter from my angle.

“Great news! We've been invited to serve tea to the _Earth King_!” Iroh storms off happily and Zuko smiles after him while it takes a few seconds for that to seep through to me.

Why? Why would the Earth king drink tea from a newly opened teashop? But I can't bear to ask this question seeing these two so happy and I smile as well, continuing with my cleaning.

When I join Iroh upstairs I find him hovering over the letter from the royal letter with a broad smile on his face. I beam at him and join him, reading the message myself as well.

“I am so happy for you Iroh.”, I say after reading it. He smiles brightly at me.

“I am most happy that the both of you have decided to share this joy with me.”, he says and I can see tears glistening in his eyes. I can not resist the impulse and hug him.

“Of course. Family sticks together. Real family does.”, I croak as the words of wisdom escape my mouth without a second thought and his arms tighten around me.

“They do.”, he says over my shoulder. “We do.”

Family. They are family to me now. Iroh and Zuko – the both of them. I feel at home and happy and content and all other unpleasant thoughts that had been plaguing me leave me instantly.

I help Iroh prepare a little box with tea the next morning with fresh energy and he is humming all morning. The flame inside my chest flickers in excitement.

We are transported to the palace by a carriage and as we exit I can see the vastness of the palace in front of me. It is truly glorious and to think that Iroh once tried to obliterate this city – it must have been an impossible task.

“How many times I imagined myself here.”, Iroh says and he looks up at the palace in admiration and awe. “At the threshold of the palace... But I always thought I would be here as a conqueror. Instead, we are the earth kings new guests, here to serve him tea. Destiny is a funny thing.”

“It sure is uncle.”, Zuko agrees and I look at him, try to find an ounce of untruthfulness or sarcasm, but there is nothing there, not in his posture, not his voice, not his eyes. He is...sincere.

“Prince Zuko.”, I say and Zuko looks at me. I remember how he used to glare and scowl at me, but now all there is in his eyes is question and I feel relieved. “I'm glad you're feeling better.”, I say because what I intentionally wanted to say gets stuck in my throat somewhere. “Iroh and I were really worried about you...”

“I'm fine.”, he says with a smile. “You need not worry any more.”

There. That. I nod at him and I feel his hand on my shoulder. “Thank you for caring for me.”, he says and the familiar electricity runs down my arm at his touch, something I can already anticipate and yet it always makes my heart jump uncontrollably for a few seconds. My face flushes and I nod.

“It was my pleasure, Prince Zuko.”, I say and his hand leaves my shoulder, only leaving the feeling of his hand and the burning path that the electricity seems to burn through my body into my heart. I have thought that I had buried the feelings, overcome them somehow, but now I realize they are still here, simply waiting patiently for a weak point where they can resurface.

I don't want to feel that again. But seeing Zuko like this gives me hope – a hope I can't quench.

We walk toward the heavy palace doors when suddenly Zuko stops and looks at me with a thoughtful glance.

“Something wrong?”, I ask.

“You should not call me Prince.”, he says lost in thought and stares at his hands, a memory flashing over his eyes that I can't understand. “I am no Prince. I am just...Zuko.”

I gently take his hand, the urge to pull him back from his deep thought too much to bear. He jolts a little at my touch and his eyes are finally on me and I smile up to him.

“We are family.”, I say and for a second I think it might sound strange and he might reject the idea – he is of royal blood after all and being associated with me – a lowly earth-kingdom citizen – might just upset him.

But he surprises me again.

“Yes.”, he says and smiles, his hand grasping mine. “We are. Family.”

I feel the tears in my eyes and a sniff escapes my throat. After I left my parents I never expected to find something quite like a home – people to call a family.

Iroh gently rubs my back to calm me down.

“Come now.”, he says with a gentle smile. “Don't cry now, we have a king to impress.”

“With more than hot tears, anyway.”, Zuko jokes and I choke out a laugh, then I follow them inside and we are awaited by a servant that guides us into a small room where we sit on cushions and Iroh places down the little package he prepared on the great marvellous table that decorates the middle of the room.

I sit in between Iroh and Zuko and stare around the room. Lots of green and gold, mixed and hurled together to show visitors of the wealth and prosperity of the earth-kingdom. It is both awe-inspiring and unnerving to think just how much time it must have cost to build this palace.

A few minutes pass by and I realize there is no window here and no way to tell the time at all. The windows are barred and light seeps through, but I can not see the sun from our point of view and still I am sure that at least half an hour must have passed by now.

I begin to fidget with my sleeves and stare at the carvings on them. They are gold linings, most likely fabric coloured to look like gold, entangling in a both a distinctive and elusive carving that creeps up toward the shoulder slightly, then looses itself in the green fabric of the robe.

It actually is a very good piece of clothing, I have to admit. Then again, Iroh chose it for this occasion and I find it fitting with our surroundings perfectly. Speaking of surroundings,

“Why is nobody coming?”, I ask and Iroh shrugs.

“Maybe the Earth-king overslept?”, he offers.

As though we said some sort of code-word the door suddenly slams open and I jolt in my sitting position, almost getting a heart attack.

Then agents enter, the same once we have seen take Jet away, but there are even more here. All of them are wearing strange hats and dark robes embroidered with the green of the Earth-empire, the postures straight and haughty, their eyes hidden beneath their hats and their hands behind their backs.

The hair on my neck is standing up now and I retreat my hand under the table, clenching it in anticipation. My fingers touch Zuko's hand briefly and I almost jump at the contact and he looks at me with a raised brow. I lean toward him as more of the agents enter and the room seems to suddenly turn very, very cold.

“I don't like this. Something's not right.” Zuko nods and much to my surprise takes my hand and squeezes it gently to reassure me. My heart pounds heavily in my chest now and I stare at the entrance. There are no more agents coming and I almost expect the Earth-king to pop up before us, but what happens makes the pounding in my chest stop and my mind draw a blank instead.

I see Azula striding into the room, that malicious smirk of her lips clearly showing her cat-like nature to catch and play – her scheme falling into place.

“It's tea time.”, Azula says as she walks in, then she stands behind the agents. She too is wearing an Earth-kingdom uniform and the agents have us surrounded now. We walked right into a trap, I realize. My eyes scan for an opening, but I can not see any.

How did we get into this? Where is the Earth-King if Azula is here? And why are the Earth-Kingdom agents working together with her?

“Azula!”, Zuko exclaims and gets up and his hand leaves mine. I can't deny it. The way Azula smirks... I am terrified. If she planned this then there is no way for us to escape – and even if we do – there is no way for us to get out of Ba-Sing-Se.

“Have you met the Dai Li?”, she asks as she twirls a strand of her hair around her finger, signalling boredom. She is only playing. Stalling. A cat playing with the mouse. “They're earth-benders, but they have a killer instinct that's so fire-bender. I just love it.”

Iroh is calm beside me and takes a cup of tea. When did he find the time to pour that?! I stare at the cup as though he pulled it out of his non-existing hat like a hat-trick and I can not believe how calm he is. He glances toward me and I can almost hear him say,

“ _Do not be afraid.”_

I nod. I won't be. Not this time. If there is going to be a fight – I will not be the third wheel this time. I will protect my family. Iroh's lips tug up at the corners, but it is gone in the blink of an eye and the way he looks – the determination and the calm of the storm – I know he is planning something.

“Did I ever tell you how I got the nickname “The Dragon of the West”?”, he asks and gets up from where he sat. I follow suit and stand in between Zuko and Iroh and I feel safe. I hope that this time I can protect _them_ too.

As I move and look up my eyes meet Azulas and her eyes squint at me as she recognizes me from our previous encounter – our only other encounter.

“I'm not interested in a lengthy anecdote, uncle.”, she says bored.

“It's more of a demonstration, really.”, Iroh says. Zuko smirks, then he pushes me behind Iroh and sandwiches me between them while I hear fire being bend somewhere behind me, my back pressing in Iroh's and the temperature suddenly rises hotly. Iroh turns in a circle while we keep standing behind his back. The Dai Li are kept at bay by the flame that Iroh is bending and I hear yelps of surprise.

In the sudden chaos of flames and heat, Zuko rips himself free from our formation and blasts fire against the wall and bursts through, the stone crumbling down to the ground into a pile of rubble. He runs toward the exit and we hurry outside. Iroh is still breathing fire as he exits and I can not believe or even imagine how he does that. Zuko is running at full speed and I follow him, my panicked heart beating loudly, but I dare hope that we might get away, that we just might make it out of Azulas clutches once again.

As we run Iroh passes by me and catches up to Zuko and I hear movements behind me as the Dai Li follow us. Heavy, thudding footsteps on the carpet-damped stone. I turn the corner in front of me sharply and only see two earth-hands collide with the wall, missing me narrowly and I raise my arms in reflex, but I keep dashing after Iroh and Zuko.

I can see Iroh blasts lightning at the wall that is a dead-end and I shield my face from the dust briefly before I see him jump down against the sudden light from the outside that glimmers through the dust. I step onto a piece of rubble, stare down and see he landed on bush of grass.

Relieved and adrenalin pumping in my veins I flex my legs and want to jump after, but I see Zuko standing there, unmoving and I stop my body in it's tracks in the last second, catching my momentum on the remains of the wall. I walk toward him and grab his arm.

“Come on!”, I urge him and look toward our escape route again, down into the wide garden of the Earth-Palace where Iroh stands but as I pull Zuko pulls his arm out of mine and my arm tingles. My heart sinks.

“You will be fine!”, Iroh yells from down there. But when I see Zuko's face I realize he is not going to jump: His eyes are staring down defiantly and he looks determined.

“No.”, he says finally. “I'm tired of running. It's time I faced Azula.” He turns around and I try to stop him.

“Zuko, don't be ridiculous, we need to go!”, I say pleadingly and the Dai Li are passing through the dust and I can see their silhouettes in the shadows.

“Then go!”, he almost growls and I wonder if the old Zuko is back, if maybe all the transformation was for nothing-

_We are. Family._

“I'm not leaving you behind!”, I yell and Zuko looks surprised, but there is no more time for words as the Dai Li come into view as the dust settles and Azula stands proudly in front of them, like a general of a small elite force.

_I am not afraid,_ I tell myself and follow Zuko as he takes a few steps toward them, a few meters separating us from the Dai Li forces and Azula. 

“You are so dramatic.”, she says to Zuko with a hint of a smirk. “What? Are you going to challenge me to an Agni kai?”, she teases.

“Yes!”, Zuko says. “I challenge you!”

“No thanks.”, Azula declines with a wave of her hand. The Dai Li move and I barely dodge an earth hand that forms into a fist as it flies outside. Zuko blasts fire at her, but she is shielded by the agents behind her and they form an attack on us.

I can see them move and dodge their earth-hands and blast fire at one's hat. It catches fire and he throws the hat away in panic when he realizes. Another jumps toward me and tries to grab my arm and I grab his instead, pulling him into my lifting knee. He stumbles backward and I hear Zuko behind me groaning in frustration.

I look behind me and see he is immobilized on the ground by these weird earth-hands and feel the ground beneath my feet come upwards and trap my feet. I lose my balance briefly, flailing my arms to regain my balance and dodge a rock thrown at me by bending backwards and break my feet free with the momentum and fire-bending beneath my soles.

My hands catch the ground behind me and I kick high up, swing my legs back and land them on the ground, my knee gently touching the ground. But just as I land my arm is suddenly shooting to the side and an earth-hand traps my arm to the wall, squeezing my arm tightly.

I grit my teeth and try to break free, but another earth-hand slaps against my other arm and now I am kneeling on the ground, my arms bent in front of me as I am trapped to the wall by the earth-hands and I try to glance at Zuko.

Zuko is trapped by earth that surrounds his feet and his arms are bound by earth-hands. Oh no.

I hear steps coming closer and look up into Azulas cold, dark eyes.

“Feisty.”, she says and tips her head to the side as she scrutinizes me. “I have seen you before. Ah yes, you helped the Avatar.” She looks back to Zuko and then to me. As my eyes dart to Zuko to follow her gaze I see her eyes open and her mouth quirks into a wide, evil smirk.

“I see.”, she says and I feel my blood run cold. How can she...?

“You see what you want to.”, I spit before I can think of anything else and Azula does not loose even a little of her posture, nothing of her aura as she looms over me like the moon on a solar eclipse.

“Xia-”, Zuko intervenes and he sounds like he is struggling, but I do not dare avert my eyes again. If Azula can see how I care... she will use it against me.

“I like that fighting spirit.”, she grins. “It will be much more fun to break it.”

I press my lips tightly together to stop any response sputtering from my lips and Azula looks triumphant and I want nothing more than to see her eyes widening just a fraction in surprise because of something she had not planned for.

With a hand sign, the Dai Li come toward us and three each collect us from our trapped positions. I do not even struggle. There is no point, then when my hands are tied like this. I feel strong, dead-lock grips on my arms and shoulders, squeezing me tightly and reminding me of the situation I am in.

We have been captured. I do not fear for myself that much, of course I am afraid, but Zuko is in a much worse position than I am. As we are dragged through the corridors Azula just disappears and I lose sight of her, feeling a pang of regret for not having fought harder with my words, at least.

And why is she letting us live? What does she gain?

My eyes open wide. Iroh. He will surely come to save us. Her goal is to deliver both Zuko and Iroh to the fire-lord to collect the honour of capturing them. But then Zuko suddenly drags me out of my mind,

“That was stupid.”, Zuko says to me with a hint of anger. Why is _he_ angry? He got us into this situation in the first place!

“Oh, master tactician. Look where we ended up because of _you_.”, I say sarcastically.

“You should have jumped.”, he says and looks away. He wanted to face Azula alone. I understand that I was in the way of something that Zuko wishes for dearly: A way to get back at his sister in a fair, even fight. But that is not how Azula fights. Azula fights dirty.

“So should you.”

“Why are you so stubborn?”, he asks frustrated.

“I couldn't leave you behind.”, I say truthfully with my head hanging down.

Silence.

We do not talk after that and are brought several storages down. The corridors are more narrow, more like tunnels really that lead deep down into the palace, intertwining into the darkness. There are strange lamps illuminating corners with a green ghastly light and I can hear chanting somewhere in the distance.

Where are they taking us? A prison?

There are no more windows. I am sure we are underground, judging from the cool temperature down here. The only light is emitted by those strange lamps and I suppress a shiver. There exists another Dai Li place, right beneath the palace?

We turn a corner and are squeezed into a small room that is barely anything but a cave where one of the earth-benders kicks his foot against the ground and the ground parts slightly with a loud rattling noise. A wide gap opens up that gnashes at us and I fight against the strong hands that shove me toward the hole that is nothing but a gaping abyss.

A strong shove, I lose my balance and I fall, yelping as I suddenly glide down a sort of rock-slide. I slam into the side of a curve and suddenly, dazzling light almost blinds me as I crash onto a hard ground with a pained huff.

My whole body seems bruised and my ears are ringing, but I am pretty sure I am alive. I get onto my knees and stare at my hand, flex my fingers to check – yep, I am alive. I hear rumbling behind me, a short yell and see Zuko falling from a gap a little over my head and I can't jump out of the way in time:

He crashes right on top of me and I groan as my body slams into the ground. Zuko gets up a bit too slowly for my taste but my chest hurts too much to complain at the moment. I am lying on my back and stare at our prison from the ground until I suddenly realize we are not alone and I recognize the girl even upside down.

“What?”, she says surprised and stares down at me and to Zuko. I slowly turn around and Zuko reaches out a hand toward me. I grab it thankfully and rub my ribs vigorously.

“Are you hurt?”, he asks low enough only for me to hear and I can't really answer because I am not sure. It does hurt pretty badly, but then again a bruise is not really serious.

“I'm fine.”, I say and look at Katara, the water-bender that is part of the Avatar's group. I can't help it, but I envy her. Helping the world like she does...how much responsibility she must bear, how hard it must be to keep hope alive in these dark times...But what is she even doing here? Should she not be with the Avatar?

“Zuko? Why did they throw _you_ in here?”, she asks angrily and looks from me to him, clearly not quite understanding the situation. I frown and hold out my hands to show her I am not hostile, but she throws me a dangerous glare and I step back again.

“Oh wait, let me guess. It's a trap. So that when Aang show's up to help me you can finally have him in your little fire-nation clutches.”, she sneers and her eyes squint into a furious line.

“No, no that's not...”, I start and lift my hands, taking a step forward, but she glares at me with such an intensity that my mouth is shut that very instant.

“You're a terrible person! You know that?”, she yells at Zuko and I stare at her in bewilderment. Where is all her anger coming from? “Always following us, hunting the Avatar, trying to capture the world's last hope for peace! But what do you care?”, Katara rages on and I can't find a single opening to call out for her to stop. She is too enraged. “You're the fire-lord's son. Spreading war and violence and hatred is in your blood. “

“You don't know what you're talking about.”, Zuko intervenes and I feel the air thick between them. I do not know how many encounters they have had before, but it seems like Zuko was close enough to cause harm to them – to be a real enemy to the Avatar.

“I don't?!”, she's really angry now. “How dare you! You have no idea what this war has put me through, me personally!”, she crumbles down onto her knees, her back turned to Zuko and I really want to stop her outburst and comfort her, but she's not done and I can hear it in her voice that she starts crying.

“The fire nation took my mother away from me.”, she sobs and I feel my heart clench in sympathy. I want to comfort her, but I am not sure she would let me in her state so all I do is stare at a point between my feet.

After a few seconds of silence where only sobs fill the cave, Zuko mumbles, “I'm sorry.” and I am too stunned to say anything, only watch as though I am not even there. “That's something we have in common.”

Wait, what? Zuko lost his mother to the fire-nation? How is that possible?

Katara seems surprised by this as well and her sobs stop. They both get up and Katara stares at the ground ,wiping away the last remains of her tears.

“I'm sorry I yelled at you.”, she says.

“It doesn't matter.”

“It's just that...for so long now whenever I would imagine the face of the enemy...it was your face.”

“My face.”, Zuko repeats quietly. “I see.” He touches his scar.

“No, no, that's not what I meant.”, Katara back-paddles and goes closer to him.

“It's OK. I used to think this scar marked me. The mark of the banished prince, cursed to chase the Avatar forever. But lately...” Suddenly, he looks at me and I feel rooted on the spot. “I've realized something: I am free to determine my own destiny.”

I look at him stunned. Is he really saying this? That he is not intending to hunt the Avatar any more? Did he really come to that conclusion? His eyes avert again and I feel a flush flow into my cheeks. If this is really happening, maybe I can dare to hope? That I and Zuko can be allies instead of enemies?

_Please._

“Even if I'll never be free of my mark.”

“Maybe you could be rid of it.”, Katara says.

“What do you mean?”, I intervene and Katara looks at me gently, her hand travelling to her neck where I can see a necklace and a pendant.

“I have healing abilities.”, she confesses.

“That's amazing.”, I breathe out and Katara blushes.

“It's nothing special, really.”

“It's a scar.”, Zuko explains. “It can't be healed.”

From her robe, she pulls out a small blue vile and holds it out. “This is water from the spirit oasis from the north pole. It has special properties so I've been saving it for something important.”

She moves closer to Zuko and and I can feel the implication in the air. If she can rid Zuko of his mark, rid him of the burden that it is...

“I don't know if it would work, but...”

“Zuko..”, I breathe and grasp his arm. He looks at me with undetermined eyes and I can see he is fighting again and I smile to reassure him. He gives me a short nod and then looks at Katara and closes his eyes.

I step back and Katara touches the scar carefully, but any further process is interrupted by the wall suddenly being smashed open and dust whirls up. Splinters of crystals fly around and I can barely make out the form of Iroh and the young boy, the Avatar, in the dust after lowering my arms.

My heart leaps when I see the Avatar and the flame inside my chest flickers happily. I understand now.

Katara exclaims “Aang!”, and jumps into his arms, hugging him tightly.

The boy gives us a searching look over Katara's shoulder and I see his eyes linger on me. When he pulls away, he stares for a while longer.

“You're that girl from the desert.”, he says slowly. “You saved me.”

“It was nothing”, I say and can see Iroh smiling kindly in my direction. I can not see Zuko because he is behind me. Iroh then proceeds to hug Zuko tightly and gives me a tight hug after.

“I am glad you two are alright.”, he says.

“They just captured us, nothing more.”, I explain.

“Uncle, I don't understand, what are you doing with the Avatar?”, Zuko says angrily and I can not believe that he is on it again. I look at Aang and feel...strange. This is the moment, isn't it? The opportunity that Iroh said would open up before me.

I feel light-headed and overwhelmed.

“Saving you, that's what.”, is what Aang answers.

To my surprise, Zuko takes a step toward Aang with malicious intent and Iroh holds him back and I feel my arm wanting to stretch to stop Zuko myself. My instincts are already trained for this I realize. _Trust your instincts._

“Zuko, it's time we talked.”, Iroh says and I take a deep breath.

“Iroh...”, I start and he looks at me knowingly, nodding towards me.

“Go.”, he says. My heart leaps. This is it.

“Go?”, Zuko exclaims. “Go where? Where are you going?”

“Zuko...”, I say pleadingly, trying to calm him down. He is angry and I never wanted to tell him like this. But then again...was there ever hope for this to end peacefully? I take a deep breath.

“I- I am going with the Avatar.”, I say and try to sound confident, but seeing Aang look at me with surprised eyes makes me waver. “If he accepts my help.”

The few seconds of stunned silence almost make my knees weak and my head seems to swim.

“I don't know...”, Aang says unsure. He musters me closely and I feel tiny. My heart leaps in my chest. The flame comes to live, yearning. My head is throwing out ideas to convince him.

“I am a fire-bender. I can teach you what I know until we find you a master.”, I offer and Aang lightens up a little.

“The others will have to agree.”, he says slowly and looks at Katara.

“You - what?!”, I hear Zuko exclaim behind me and don't dare look back. I am scared of the betrayed eyes I will see. Scared of the fury he will direct at me.

“I'm fine with it. Let's go”, Katara says urgently and they wait for me to join them.

“Xia!”, Zuko yells and I look back one last time and see Iroh holding him back. Zuko looks furious. I open my mouth to speak and my chest tightens painfully.

“I-I'm sorry Zuko. Iroh. Good-bye.” Iroh nods and Zuko only glares.

I enter the tunnel and darkness envelops me.

“Xia!”

 


	11. Betrayal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Xia joins the Avatar and Zuko make a final decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the turning point for everything. I remember rewriting this a couple of times trying to get the depth of emotions right. This was truly heart-breaking to write, and the music I listened to during writing was even more so.

I create a fire in the palm of my hand and the both of them are thankful for the light. Aang reaches out his hand and I drop a bit of flame in his hand, instructing him how to keep it alive.

“Imagine you are directing your blood into your fingers, focus on the heat and breathe. Each inhale should bring new life to the flame.”

He is so small and looks like a child and I can barely believe the responsibility he is dealing with. The whole world rests on his small shoulders. He must be a few years younger than me, Katara is most likely around my age. It is hard to believe that they have fought against the Fire-nation successfully.

He holds the flame and cherishes it with great care. I want to smile, but my chest tightens.

I feel like I betrayed Zuko, feel like I left him and Iroh behind, even though I _know_ that Iroh thinks I am doing the right thing. I bite my lip and hold back the tears that are trying to pour from my eyes and I blink them away hurriedly and wipe my eyes with my sleeves.

“So, your name is...?”, Katara asks.

“My name's Xia.”, I say and try to sound as level as possible.

“The others will be waiting for us.”, Katara explains. “We will need their opinion as well.”

“Others?”

“Toph and Sokka. And Momo and Appa as well, of course.”

“Alright then.”, I say and feel doubtful. “I did not really prepare an application form though...”

Aang chuckles. “Don't worry. I remember you. You saved my life from Azula back in the desert. Thanks for that. I doubt anyone can argue with that.”

“It was nothing.”, I say with a smile, but the picture of Iroh holding Zuko jumps back into my head and my smile disappears.

“Something wrong?”, Katara asks and I notice she is studying me closely.

“I worry about Zuko and Iroh.”, I confess. “I never meant for Zuko to find out like this. I just wish it could have gone...differently.”

“It's not easy, switching sides.”, Aang mutters. “But why are you here? I don't quite understand.”

I look around and see the tunnel ending a few meters up ahead. We are still in Ba-Sing-Se and not safe yet and I glance at Aang.

“It's...a little difficult to explain right now. I will explain everything once we are safe. Is that alright?”

Aang nods. “Sure.”

“We have got to find Sokka and Toph.”, Katara says after she looks around and Aang nods. A giant room with pillars holding the ceiling and crystals covering the sides opens up before me and I shield my eyes only briefly before I get used to the sudden light.

With the ground clear beneath us we break into a run when I feel fire bending behind me, the flame inside me flickering in warning, the air suddenly hot and the rush of fire vibrating in my ears.

I turn around, press my foot back to break my speed and clash my hands into the blue flames in front of me. Blue flames. Azula. The flames burst against one another and then dissipate to my sides.

Katara beside me jumps into action as well and uses the water that is gliding peacefully on the side and creates a wave, bringing it down on Azula. Azula evaporates the water with her fire with ease and mist settles around the room.

For a few seconds all is quiet until Azula jumps through the cloud and shoots bolts of fire at us. While Aang and Katara water-bend a shield in front of them I shoot a bolt of fire at Azula but miss. Azula lands on an earth-pillar and I see Aang earth-bend, breaking the pillar down.

Azula is forced to jump down and gasps surprised. She lands between Katara and Aang, her fingers pointed at them while my fist is extended at her.

She looks from one person to another for a few seconds, then, a fire blasts soars from my left and I jump back in the last second. The fire hits the ground where I stood and I land smoothly, looking for the source.

To my surprise, I can see Zuko and smile. He came after all. But where is Iroh? Now that I think about it, where did Azula come from?

“Zuko.”, I breathe and his eyes wander from Azula to me. His hand is directed at Azula and I feel triumph inside of me. Azula has no chance now. If we can capture her we might have leverage against the fire-nation....

But then Zuko fire-bends at Aang and I jump in front of him without thinking, my arms spreading to the side and the flames disperse into thin air.

All I can do is stare at Zuko's hands that are still extended at Aang. My brain takes some time to process what has happened and I realize that Zuko is aiming – _aiming –_ at Aang on purpose. That he aimed at _me_ on purpose.

I feel my hands trembling as I look at him and I hear a voice inside my head screaming that there must be an explanation, that this is all not real and Zuko is actually on my side, but when Zuko's hand extends toward me and a flash of bright flame shoots in my direction my body moves on it's own while my mind is still fuzzy and whirling.

I deflect the flame into the ground and dust shoots up. I can barely feel the hot fire beneath my hand and stare at it on the ground, but my mind is too hazy to understand. Sounds erupt around us as Aang and Katara begin to fight Azula while Zuko and I battle one another. A flame hits me barely against my shoulder and I topple back onto the ground with a gasp.

As my body hits the ground and I stare at the ceiling my mind finally clicks and I feel tears rising in my eyes. I push myself up onto my elbows and stare at Zuko who is watching me tentatively while I hear rocks and water crashing behind me.

But I can't look away. I stare up at Zuko who comes closer toward me as he looks down at me. His eyes are set and dark, they are so cold that a shiver runs down my spine.

“Why?”, I whisper and feel anger rising as the tears roll down freely. I can't control my voice when I yell, “Why?! You said you could determine your own destiny!”

I push myself up and barely feel a stinging pain flash through my arm, but I ignore it as I glare at him. “This-”, I gesture toward Azula and the others fighting, “This can't be what you want!”

I take a step toward him and grab him by his tunic that stretches across his chest and I look at him. My hands are trembling again and I grit my teeth, looking for an answer in his eyes. I can taste salt as the corners of my lips. His hands grip into my arms an he stares at me with worn eyes.

I can see the conflict flicker in them, the brief rebellion of will and want – desire and emotion mingling in them.

“Zuko-”, I begin to beg, but determination suddenly sets in his eyes like a shield.

He grabs my arms hard and I feel the electricity surge through me, but I can't move a muscle as he pulls me closer, my feet barely touching the ground and I am lifted slightly and his eyes are narrowed. My hands fall from his robes and my fingertips feel numb.

“The Avatar is my destiny.”, he says in a low voice.

I close my eyes and I clench my hands. I want to give up, feel overwhelmed with everything and it feels as though I am loosing my footing and the world turns upside down. How can he give up like this? How can he let this go? How can choose this over the Avatar and the World?!

Behind the veil of darkness that my eyelids cast over my eyes I see flames burning up. I can see it with my mind and the voice inside me calls as the flame flickers,

“ _Let go. I will handle this.”_

I struggle for just an instant longer in my mind, try to wrap my mind around some answer, but I can not find any at all. All I can find is hurt and pain, the great distinct feeling of hollowness eating me up inside. With a little shiver I give up all my control and let go.

The heat suddenly breaks free form my chest and I feel a flame engulf my whole body. It burns all of my emotions away and only leaves a searing in my veins that calls for action.

There is just fire and warmth. I open my eyes and pull my arms free. I can barely register his surprised face as I bounce onto my feet and push my knee upwards, hitting him in the stomach. He stumbles back but regains his balance and he attacks with a bright flame that shoots from his fist.

I duck down and want to attack him again, but a bright blue flame shoots between us and it catches me off-guard, throwing me onto my back once more. I see Azula jump in front of Zuko and she seems tense with apprehension. I brace myself up on my elbows and look at the both of them.

“Deal with _them_.”, Azula says and I hear the sound of lightning being channelled. I jump to my feet and dodge her attack barely, the lightning crashing into the ground and shooting up bits of stone and dust. With a fist strike I shoot a flame towards her and she ducks down with ease, her leg shooting out form beneath. 

I jump into the air and bounce back onto the palm of my feet, kicking at her. I miss her again and charge another attack at her, flames crashing and singing around the both of us. My heart is pounding in my chest while I hear a voice of doubt in my head that tells me I can't win against her.

But that is when I notice that just as much as I can't hit her, she so far has not hit me either. She is not gaining ground. I feel sweat forming on my forehead, the constant heat of flame enveloping us in our battle. From the corner of my eyes I can see Katara and Aang fighting and when my eyes glance over Aang fighting Zuko, a voice in my head begins to scream _“WHY CAN'T HE BE ON MY SIDE?”._

There is fire, water, air and earth everywhere, and at some point I know that only fire is the only thing that wants to harm me. Zuko and Azula.

Azula and Zuko are being pushed together by the three of us and Aang launches an attack on Azula but is thrown back by a fire blast that sends him flying into the ground. Katara takes the chance and shackles Azula with her water, the blue line wrapping Azulas wrists and encasing them with ice. I throw my arm back to throw a fire-blast at Azula when a flame comes crashing through the middle of Katara's water, breaking her water chain and hitting me square in my chest.

It happens all too quickly. I fly back into a pair of crystals and groan at the pain, my head swimming slightly. For a few seconds I think that I must be unconscious because everything seems black and far away. Then, slowly, the sensations are coming back. I have a hard time focussing what is in front of me and realize I must have hit my head when a stinging pain shoots through the back of my skull. The heat in my chest is dampened and I feel the control come back into my limps, but the surging in my veins has stopped and I feel cold and burnt out.

When I blink my eyes open I can see Zuko standing frozen on the spot as he looks at me and our eyes meet. He looks mortified and his shoulders are tense, but I can not decipher his emotion at all as my own emotions flood through me.

_He attacked me._ , a voice in my head says. That is when I feel the pain throb through my chest and I grimace at the searing and stinging that is riding over my skin. 

With a hiss I grasp a hand over the area and as soon as my fingers touch the scorched skin the pain intensifies and I grit my teeth harshly together. In between my fingers I can feel the fabric of my robe, singed at the ends, right above my chest near my shoulder and close to my heart. My left arm feels numb and each movement is painful.

As I take a harsh breath I can see Zuko staring at me from far away and then he turns his head towards Katara who begins attacking him again. I can hear the water splashing and somewhere away I can hear the rumbling of rocks as Aang emerges from the ground.

It hurts. The wound, my chest...even inside. It _hurts_.

I stare at Aang, see him fighting Azula again, watch Katara bending water around Zuko. They are fighting. I can't stop here.

I push my right arm into the ground and feel the crystals beneath my hand, the little pieces that broke apart when I crash-landed. As I get up, hunched and bent forward, leaning onto the wall for support I feel my hair falling over my shoulder, tickling my skin.

I look up again and take a deep breath, my right hand bending a flame. I have one good arm and two good legs. I can do this. I have to.

Before I can react however the ground begins to grumble and shake. I grasp the crystal wall behind me for support and I see Dai Li agents coming from the ceiling and walls, entering the battlefield from almost all directions.

Oh no.

They jump down from the walls and encircle us one by one. I see them in their dark robes coming toward me, arms raised, ready to strike at me should I move, but I barely feel that I can even make a step at all.

I should have known Azula would not have gambled upon Zuko joining her. She had the Dai Li Agents all along, her trump card that I have chosen to ignore even though it was so obvious. Now they outnumber us greatly and Azula smiles triumphantly.

I see Katara channelling her water around herself and I adjust a rather pitiful flame in my good hand. Azula just disappears among the many agents and walks together with Zuko toward Aang. My shoulder aches, my breath is ragged and yet, as I watch them coming closer to Aang, I feel it burning inside me again, the desire to protect him, the Avatar, even if it means my own death.

The Dai Li have their arms raised around me, there are about twenty just around me, even more around Katara and Aang.

How will we get out of this? How can we possibly make it? I stare at Aang, the silence in the cave almost deafening as Azula and Zuko make their way. Will they kill Aang? They can't.

 _Get out of here, Aang._ , I think and stare at him desperately. His eyes catch mine and he looks away toward Katara as though he is assessing our opinions.

“There's too many.”, he says. Is he giving up? He can't. We can't. Not now. “I'm sorry Katara.”, he mumbles and then he sits onto the ground and envelops himself in crystal, creating a shield for himself.

What is Aang doing? Is Aang burrowing a tunnel to get away? Please, let him get away. He should get away. He has to.

The air is thick with apprehension and Katara's water splashes onto the ground, slowly dripping, but nobody is attacking. Everyone is waiting.... Waiting for something to happen.

Then a bright light emits from the fortification that Aang has made and I shield my eyes from the sudden burst of white.

The crystal shatters in a massive pulse and my arm are still lifted, shielding me form the blast. When I open my eyes again I can see Aang flying from his little fortification and I see his eyes and tattoos are glowing brightly. _This is the Avatar_ , I realize. My flame flickers fondly and wants to jump into action, but all I can do is stare in awe and bewilderment, my pain forgotten.

The light is warm and I feel the presence of something ancient and strong linger in the room, the feelings of justice and righteousness combined filter through the air.

There is a giant beam of light as he floats upward and I am waiting apprehensively for his strike when suddenly, lightning crashes down on him and I see Azula standing on a heightened passage, her fingers aimed at the Avatar and the electricity discharges through his body.

For a painful second the whole world seems to stand still. My eyes dart to Azula who has a triumphant smile playing in her lips, to Aang whose body convulses in spasms before his upper body turns forward and he begins to fall toward the ground. The light fades, the feeling fades and the reality comes crashing in, burning and painful.

I think I am screaming, but I can't be sure. I can't breathe. His body falls and falls and I see Katara, controlling a wave beneath her feet, washing over the Agents to catch Aang just barely before he hits the ground and disappearing out of sight.

I've taken a step forward without realizing it and before my mind can even try to stop me, I bend a giant ball of fire in my palm and run toward the distracted agents, jump into the air and blast right beneath my feet, sending me high up over the group.

My body turns in the air and for a second the world is spinning and I catch a glimpse of Katara and then, the ground rises up to meet me and I crash onto the ground, slither to a halt and grasp the ground with my good arm to hold on.

I whip my head around toward and I see her tear struck face, see the complete desperation in her eyes as she looks at me with hopeless, empty eyes.

Her face is so full of pain I can't stand to watch her. I whirl my head around and get onto my feet and with a swing of my arm I cast a firewall in between us and the agents that burns brightly and hotly. In between the flames I see Azula and Zuko staring at me. The flames will not hold them off forever. I won't. My left arm is useless. My chest hurts. Heck, I am burnt out.

All I can do now is buy Katara time.

“Katara. Get out of here.”, I order, but I do not look back to see her expression. I know my voice doesn't sound as strong as I would have liked, but I make sure that there is enough urgency in it.

“Xia...”, I hear her faint voice. She wants to argue?

“ _Do it_.”, I order harshly and my voice trembles. My eyes are trained toward the fire-wall and I can see Earth-hands being cast at it, but they evaporate as the flames nullify them completely. My eyes search over the agents and then, my gaze meets Zuko's. The second seems stretched agonizingly long and all different kinds of feelings surge through me, those of hurt and anger most prominent. Tears want to overwhelm me and I bite my lip so hard it bleeds and I glare at him. The betrayer will not get Aang. He will not get through _me_.

I hear rustling behind me. She must be moving, but I do not look. Azula clashes her foot into the ground and turns her palms down, pressing towards the ground and the flame wall shrinks. She smirks at me and takes a step forward but I blast a ball of fire at her feet and deflect an earth hand that is aimed at Katara. Zuko is about to make a step forward as well when a fire blast lands right in between us and I stagger back.

A figure jumps in front of me, a figure I know very well. White hair, bound neatly atop his head, his rather round, broad form protectively right in front of me.

Iroh.

“You've got to get out of here!”, He yells. “I'll hold them off as long as I can!”

“Iroh!”, I exclaim and he signals for me to stand back when my feet takes a step forward.

“Go!”

Tears well up in my eyes and I turn around immediately, following Katara up the waterfall by bending fire beneath my feet and I jump into the air, an earth-hand missing me just by an inch. My eyes dart to Iroh and my vision grows blurry as tears stream over my cheeks and he fights the army of agents, Azula and Zuko at the same time.

He sacrificed himself. For us.

I feel my heart tighten into a dense, black piece of coal that is cold and brittle as Iroh passes out of my sight.

 


End file.
